Adult step children problems

JoRuby

Thanks for all the advice. We've now agreed that he needs to move out on a 3m full rent paid and 3m half rent paid basis. Nothing seems to be happening and he's making no attempts to move out. We're reluctant to take out a rent in our name for him as we don't believe he'll pay after that and we'll be left with the liability of paying.
Answers on a postcard again please ...

RAS

JoRuby wrote: »

We've now agreed that he needs to move out and become independent. YES

We've offered to rent a flat which we will pay for in full for 3 months, next 3 months half pay and after that he's on his own. NO

He needs to be told that having failed to make any contribution to the household for the last 4 months, he is moving out in 2 weeks.

If dad is feeling really sad and can afford it, he can be told that dad does not expect him to pay back the money he owes but that he will not be allowed to "borrow" any more money ever.

Errata

JoRuby wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. We've now agreed that he needs to move out on a 3m full rent paid and 3m half rent paid basis. Nothing seems to be happening and he's making no attempts to move out. We're reluctant to take out a rent in our name for him as we don't believe he'll pay after that and we'll be left with the liability of paying.
Answers on a postcard again please ...

Bin bags are on bogof at Asda.

CH27

JoRuby wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. We've now agreed that he needs to move out on a 3m full rent paid and 3m half rent paid basis. Nothing seems to be happening and he's making no attempts to move out. We're reluctant to take out a rent in our name for him as we don't believe he'll pay after that and we'll be left with the liability of paying.
Answers on a postcard again please ...

Stop wiping his backside.

Give a leave by date & then change the locks.
I certainly wouldn't take a tenancy for him or pay his rent. He is an adult.

BitterAndTwisted

JoRuby wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. We've now agreed that he needs to move out on a 3m full rent paid and 3m half rent paid basis. Nothing seems to be happening and he's making no attempts to move out. We're reluctant to take out a rent in our name for him as we don't believe he'll pay after that and we'll be left with the liability of paying.
Answers on a postcard again please ...

On the income you have mentioned plus his liabilities with regard to the vehicle finance he WILL NOT pass the credit-checks for a tenancy in his name. This leaves you with applying for the tenancy, and if your income isn't sufficient to cover your own housing costs and his on top you are unlikely to pass the credit-checks yourselves. Most especially if your husband is trying to get a new business off the ground.

I would advise you in the strongest terms possible not to get yourselves into a situation where you act as guarantors fr him or take out a tenancy in your names. This could result in a long-term liability for his rent for years.

He needs to find himself a room in a flat or house-share. That he's not making any attempts to move out indicated that he has no intention of doing it. He almost certainly can't afford to do it under his own steam. If pressed, the most I would do for him would be to gift/loan (!) the first month's rent.

He needs a deadline, and he needs to know that it's not negotiable.

Loz01

Why have you given one of them £1.5k? :eek: stop giving them money and start charging them board and if they don't like that they should get finding for a cheaper place to live!

sulphate

CH27 wrote: »

Stop wiping his backside.

Give a leave by date & then change the locks.
I certainly wouldn't take a tenancy for him or pay his rent. He is an adult.

I agree.

Their behaviour is encouraged by you and your partner's willingness to accommodate them.

Honestly they sound like my half siblings, who, to use person_one's phrase, weren't guided into adulthood well either, they think the world owes them a living and spent much of their childhood being supported by my mum (not theirs) until she finally saw the light. They are now in their 40s. One of them called our dad, who is 81, recently asking for £££ because they, like your stepsons think that the money supply they relied on was never ending. The other one still lives with his mum.

Consider what will happen in 20 years if you keep supporting them.

Melaniep101

OP - Your stepsons are now ADULTS, your OH and you have no further legal obligations to support them. They don't even seem to be grateful for all the support you give them, so if it were me, they'd be given a months notice to vacate your house. They don't need to act like adults because you're treating them like children - Let them fend for themselves in the big wide world, it's the only way they'll grow up.

Sorry, I'm a fan of the tough love, but why put up with this crap when they can't even respect you or your home?

purpleshoes_2

JoRuby wrote: »

Hi
I met my hubby 7 years ago and we've been married for 5 years. I have one daughter who is now 16. Hubby has son age 24 and son age almost 22. Problems with both of them!
.
Eldest son - lost his job in December and hubby took him on in his business at a detriment to us. It's a fledgling business though doing well. We're living off my salary while we invest in the business to grow it. Appointing him in the business means that around £1.2k each month can't be used for growth. He's also a lazy worker.
He has also borrowed £2k to move house and buy nice furniture for their rented property. Hubby also purchased some stock for a business on the basis that each item he sold the buy in price would be reimbursed. This isn't happening now.

Second son (almost 22) - came to live with us in January after being thrown out of a number of relative houses. He works (for now but after having an extended probation for not meeting standards could lose his job any day now). He earns £1k per month, but won't do any overtime as he's "tired" and weekends are for him. He runs a nice car on finance and in the first 4 months hadnt paid a penny. He's now on catch up and paying around £500 per month for the car and around £200 for insurance. He seems to think it's ok spend what's left in the first week after he gets paid then use his dad as a free atm. In just a few months he's borrowed £1.5k and this month has paid back £20 but is likely to need more.
He's not paying any board whatsoever nor doing any chores round the house. As I'm still recovering from a brain tumour I need sleep so we ask for him to be in by 10pm on a school/work night and 11pm on a weekend. He thinks this is unfair and we're treating him like a child. Where he lived previously he came and went as he chose and often came home 5am ish so at the moment if he's not back in time he chooses to sleep in his car. He's slovenly, surly, dirty and his room is a pig sty, it also stinks of oil and cigarette smoke. He often comes home late Sunday needing his uniform washing for the next day. He never lets us know if he's coming or going so is treating the place like a hotel. He often won't eat what's cooked for tea as I cook from scratch and he only likes burgers, pizza or other frozen ready meals. Unless food is prepared for him he chooses not to eat. The whole atmosphere changes when he comes in depending on his mood.

It's got to an untolerable level and hubby and I are arguing constantly about it - we never argued before. My daughter is very unhappy as she sees him getting away with murder while she gets away with nothing (my parenting style is liberal, trusting but strict when i need to be).

We've now agreed that he needs to move out and become independent. We've offered to rent a flat which we will pay for in full for 3 months, next 3 months half pay and after that he's on his own.

Both sons talk regularly though naturally don't tell the whole truth on matters - only the bits that suit them. Eldest son is now constantly having a go at hubby saying that he should put son before me (which I can understand) as he wasn't around when he was around 15. This is true generally but mainly because they were both very abusive (to an extreme) and wanted money that he simply didnt have at that point (a first business went bust when the recession hit). At this point he moved in with me and we lived off my salary but money was tight.

I'd like opinions as to whether I'm acting wrongly here. I've tried a number of approaches to try my best but it seems whatever we try unless its what they want, when they want and how they want things they just kick off (ie help with painting car wheels - has to be X weekend and with X paint that costs X that hubby has to pay for).

Thoughts/comments both positive and negative welcome.

Dont pay the rent on the flat for them. They could present as homeless and see what the reality would be like for them living in a hostel, I bet they wouldnt like it.

You start paying rent for them, it will continue because they wont put aside money to pay it when you stop

I know sometimes parents do help adult kids out, but one of these sons is earning a decent enough wage, he certainly doesnt need you to pay his rent for him, thats ridiculous.

19lottie82

I agree with Bitter and Twisted, your SS can't afford his own flat. He needs to be looking at renting a room / a flat share.

If you guarantee a lease, you will be stuck paying the rent for the extent of it, then he will end up back in your house. I can almost guarantee it.

Tell him to look on Gumtree and SpareRoom. If you are feeling generous, tell him you will pay his first months rent and deposit, but after that he is on his own.