Adult step children problems

JoRuby

esmy wrote: »

Hubby needs to grow a pair..........and you both need to stop treating them like children (a 22 year old in for 10pm???) if you expect adult behaviour from them.

As I said I'm recovering from a brain tumour. That makes me absolutely shattered. We're up at 5am in a morning for work. We have dogs. The dogs, naturally bark when anyone comes in which means that we get woken up.

I didn't choose to a) get a brain tumour or b) have stepson live with us. These were the terms when he arrived, he was told why and he accepted them on this basis.

Morglin

JoRuby wrote: »

As I said I'm recovering from a brain tumour. That makes me absolutely shattered. We're up at 5am in a morning for work. We have dogs. The dogs, naturally bark when anyone comes in which means that we get woken up.

I didn't choose to a) get a brain tumour or b) have stepson live with us. These were the terms when he arrived, he was told why and he accepted them on this basis.

Not easy, trying to recover from a tumour.....perhaps tell hubby you cannot do it all, and he needs to sort out his guilt?

Or, let him get on with it, and stand back, as far as possible.

A couple of weeks away, on holiday, alone, might be what you need.

Lin

Person_one

JoRuby wrote: »

Both sons talk regularly though naturally don't tell the whole truth on matters - only the bits that suit them. Eldest son is now constantly having a go at hubby saying that he should put son before me (which I can understand) as he wasn't around when he was around 15. This is true generally but mainly because they were both very abusive (to an extreme) and wanted money that he simply didnt have at that point (a first business went bust when the recession hit). At this point he moved in with me and we lived off my salary but money was tight.

I think it's really poor form for a dad to put the blame onto his children like this and say it was their own fault he chose not to see them when they were teenagers. These young men clearly haven't been guided into adulthood very well, but whose fault is that?

They sound angry, and poorly equipped to cope with life, I feel very sorry for them both and for your daughter. Is this the sort of environment you want for her at a crucial age?

JoRuby

No they haven't been guided into adulthood very well, however when advised by the police to stay away because of THEIR violence, it was the right think to do. He was in a damned if he does, damned if he doesnt position

Primrose

I suggest you and your husband sir down quietly and try to agree a joint policy between you on the way these boys should be treated which you are both going to stick to. It's your house and if you let them do what they like they will drive a wedge between you. It sounds as if they are already doing so. You jointly have to decide how important your marriage is and where the lines in the sand are drawn. And then stick to it. They need to learn some manners and respect. You can't undo the wrongs or guilt of the past but you can try and set some higher standards for the future by making it known and understood the specific way in which will have to be done differently in future. Then sit everybody down together and clear the air.

Annisele

It doesn't sound as though second son can afford to both keep the car and move out. £1,000 a month wage, £500 on car, £200 on insurance and presumably something on petrol doesn't really leave enough money for food and bills - let alone rent. If you do rent a flat for him, I don't think he'll be able to afford to run it. He'd be far better IMO getting rid of the car and then choosing his own flat share.

Given his expenses, I don't think it's surprising that he's running out of money - and I don't see how he can afford to start paying the £1,500 back. I'm assuming that you and your husband are extremely well off (because the extra monthly costs you're talking about would be crippling if you're not), so I think there's merit in agreeing a token repayment of £10 a month on the £1,500, and then not lending anything more until the first loan is repaid.

What does your husband think about all this? You say you argue - but what does he think the solution is?

JoRuby

The point is that he really can't afford the car but to him it's a status symbol. We seriously aren't very well off and it has caused us some financial difficulties ourselves.
Hubby agrees but feels he's in a no-win position. Particularly when son has no money for fuel to get him to work. He's still on probation (has been 6 months in this new job) for not meet the required standards.

He feels bullied but hates conflict ..

emmaj30

JoRuby,
Im sorry to hear about your illness and hope you are recovering well from this. Im sure this whole situation has not helped matters.
This is my suggestion - You need to have an honest talk with your husband and set boundaries regarding his sons. Its your place as well and they need to respect you. They are not 12 years old. They are young men and the world does not owe them anything If they owe money they need to get a second job to pay it off so they can afford to go and live in a flat (kindly paid by you for a while) and do what they want.
When you and your hubby have set the boundaries then I suggest having a sit down with all the family (incl your daughter) and telling them of this news. Trying starting off friendly and then if they act like brats then resort to telling them HOW it will be in your household.
Good luck with everything

Annisele

JoRuby wrote: »

We seriously aren't very well off and it has caused us some financial difficulties ourselves.

Do your stepsons know that? From what you posted, I honestly assumed that you were well-off, because otherwise I didn't think you'd have been contemplating paying somebody else's rent for several months. From your stepson's perspective, if he's been given money every time he asks for it then he might assume the money supply is essentially inexhaustible. Based on what's happened up to now, it might be hard to blame him for reaching that conclusion.

If you're actually in financial difficulties yourself, then sooner or later the situation has to end. I think it's far better for everyone (including your stepson) that he has fair notice of that, so he can make plans for his new circumstances.

Hubby agrees but feels he's in a no-win position. Particularly when son has no money for fuel to get him to work. He's still on probation (has been 6 months in this new job) for not meet the required standards.

I think cutting the money off immediately would be unfair. I do think it would be fair to tell stepson that as from [date] you won't give or lend him any more money, and as from [date plus a month or two] you'll start charging him a token rent of £200 a month (or whatever you and your husband agree is fair). That way, stepson will have fair warning that from [date] getting himself to work is his own problem. If he gets fired, then he gets fired.
Stepson may well have bought the car knowing that he could afford it, because somebody else was going to underwrite his living expenses. Fair notice gives him chance to either sell it or find a better paying job.

meritaten

I cant see what YOU are doing wrong. Your husband has brought up a pair of wasters who think the world owes them. or at least your OH and you owe them. they are adults! sit down with OH and discuss what you would expect from adults if they weren't related to you. this is what you should expect (at the very least), from KIN! Then work out a schedule to get the sons back on their own two feet!
honestly, you are not a well woman obviously and to expect you to run around housekeeping for them all is a bit much - I would feel very aggrieved in your place - but, I would be putting my foot down and not taking all this. and I am seen as 'soft' by my kids - but they do know where the boundary is! your stepsons don't even know what a 'boundary' is, by the sound of it!

you and OH need to be united in this and determined.

I rarely advocate splitting up - but if the above doesn't work then for your own health, I would say you and DD move out. you need TLC - not all this crap!