Adult step children problems

JoRuby

Hi
I met my hubby 7 years ago and we've been married for 5 years. I have one daughter who is now 16. Hubby has son age 24 and son age almost 22. Problems with both of them!
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Eldest son - lost his job in December and hubby took him on in his business at a detriment to us. It's a fledgling business though doing well. We're living off my salary while we invest in the business to grow it. Appointing him in the business means that around £1.2k each month can't be used for growth. He's also a lazy worker.
He has also borrowed £2k to move house and buy nice furniture for their rented property. Hubby also purchased some stock for a business on the basis that each item he sold the buy in price would be reimbursed. This isn't happening now.

Second son (almost 22) - came to live with us in January after being thrown out of a number of relative houses. He works (for now but after having an extended probation for not meeting standards could lose his job any day now). He earns £1k per month, but won't do any overtime as he's "tired" and weekends are for him. He runs a nice car on finance and in the first 4 months hadnt paid a penny. He's now on catch up and paying around £500 per month for the car and around £200 for insurance. He seems to think it's ok spend what's left in the first week after he gets paid then use his dad as a free atm. In just a few months he's borrowed £1.5k and this month has paid back £20 but is likely to need more.
He's not paying any board whatsoever nor doing any chores round the house. As I'm still recovering from a brain tumour I need sleep so we ask for him to be in by 10pm on a school/work night and 11pm on a weekend. He thinks this is unfair and we're treating him like a child. Where he lived previously he came and went as he chose and often came home 5am ish so at the moment if he's not back in time he chooses to sleep in his car. He's slovenly, surly, dirty and his room is a pig sty, it also stinks of oil and cigarette smoke. He often comes home late Sunday needing his uniform washing for the next day. He never lets us know if he's coming or going so is treating the place like a hotel. He often won't eat what's cooked for tea as I cook from scratch and he only likes burgers, pizza or other frozen ready meals. Unless food is prepared for him he chooses not to eat. The whole atmosphere changes when he comes in depending on his mood.

It's got to an untolerable level and hubby and I are arguing constantly about it - we never argued before. My daughter is very unhappy as she sees him getting away with murder while she gets away with nothing (my parenting style is liberal, trusting but strict when i need to be).

We've now agreed that he needs to move out and become independent. We've offered to rent a flat which we will pay for in full for 3 months, next 3 months half pay and after that he's on his own.

Both sons talk regularly though naturally don't tell the whole truth on matters - only the bits that suit them. Eldest son is now constantly having a go at hubby saying that he should put son before me (which I can understand) as he wasn't around when he was around 15. This is true generally but mainly because they were both very abusive (to an extreme) and wanted money that he simply didnt have at that point (a first business went bust when the recession hit). At this point he moved in with me and we lived off my salary but money was tight.

I'd like opinions as to whether I'm acting wrongly here. I've tried a number of approaches to try my best but it seems whatever we try unless its what they want, when they want and how they want things they just kick off (ie help with painting car wheels - has to be X weekend and with X paint that costs X that hubby has to pay for).

Thoughts/comments both positive and negative welcome.

dandelionclock30

If I were you I'd be talking to my husband about a trial seperation and take myself and my daughter to live elsewhere. Its for him to sort out as they are his kids and they will always come before you I'm afraid.
I'd be thinking about the impact all this has on her really. Your husband isnt doing much and just enables their behaviour. I'd not be prepared to put up with all that and would be gone.

FBaby

They sound like two spoilt brats. Yes it is possible that your husband want there for them at some stage of their life but it doesn't justify being such brats. Sounds like they've been spoilt growing up and that's the outcome of it. I think you are still being way too kind. The youngest had a job could do more hours if he wanted so why oh why would you suggest paying all our just about his rent for 6 months? He needs to learn the limits of real life and he only will do so if fully immersed in it. Suggesting help with the deposit sounds more than helpful everything else is a self fulfilling prophecy that he is still a little boy who needs mummy and daddy to look after him.

roobee13

Hi OP,

If you don't mind me asking, where is their Mum in all of this?

Sounds like you've got your hands full. I think OH (with your support) needs to sit down and tell his sons to man up and show a bit of respect.

They both sound like they're emotionally blackmailing him. What does your OH say about it all, does he think they're taking the p*ss?

If a 22 year old I lived with wanted their work uniform washed and ready for work I'm afraid they'd be doing it themselves! Just don't clean up after them (I realise this is easier said than done).

I hope you and your OH can tackle this together, sounds like you're being more than generous with them and dealing with your own health issues at the same time.

Good luck!

warehouse

You and your Husband are supporting these 2 lazy !!!!!!s and by continuing to support them they won't change. He needs to remove eldest son from the business NOW, younger son needs to stop getting free money NOW. They will have to learn to fend for themselves and it won't be pretty but unless you act hard now then you'll have this millstone around your necks for ever.

Errata

Your OH let's them get away with whatever they choose. He's the problem, not them.

InsideInsurance

Agree with everyone above, it sounds like you have an issue with your partner not his kids.

Not sure a separation is exactly necessary just yet but he needs to learn its his house, his rules. They dont like the rules? They know where the door is. Similarly its his business, particularly if its a Ltd company, he has a responsibility to ensure its run as best as possible and that means not carrying deadwood employees who dont pull their weight. Final written warning then out the door

JoRuby

thanks for all that - it does help having some validation of my views.
Their mum doesn't work and by all accounts does nothing for them. Younger son was thrown out for behavioural issues and constantly borrowing money.

I don't want a separation but the situation is not tolerable any more.
They are bullying him and he's accepting it. That's why I get so cross, he's getting more and more stressed and upset about it.
Time to get tough I reckon.

Morglin

For whatever reason, your husband feels guilty about his sons.

Therefore, because of that, he let's them get away with this behaviour.

Confront him, and issue ultimatums, but be prepared for an answer you don't want to hear.

Good luck - it's murderous when adult step kids start playing up.

Lin

System

Its called 'milking dads guilt for not being around'.

esmy

Hubby needs to grow a pair..........and you both need to stop treating them like children (a 22 year old in for 10pm???) if you expect adult behaviour from them.