Trying to get fiancee to take the strain of the chores

Tiddlywinks

duchy wrote: »

Lets see if the OP is or not first.
My assumption was based on certain phrases they used rather than anything else - but don't let that stop you throwing a tantrum before you have all the facts !

I'm not having a tantrum - you made a sweeping generalisation about armed forces' attitudes. I made a specific comment relating to your assumption.

My comments aren't about the 'facts' of this thread and everything to do with your clouded view of a group you feel likely to be sexist.

He could be a circus clown or a project manager... that wouldn't make everyone in that profession sexist would it? So why assume military?

duchy

Not sure where you get the idea that I was been sexist.
The military does have females nowadays too who also go on long tours.

Male or female makes no difference-it's about the "coming home" .
Most people who have partners who work away find there is disruption to their routine as they have simply coped with everything - from housework, minor repairs, flood, fire and pestilence, as well as working (presumably fulltime from what the OP implies) and looked forward to their partner returning - appreciating they have kept their home going and looking forward to some quality couple time together. Instead they are moaned at about the washing up - the partner is off doing their thing every day (and is essentially "on holiday" so whilst some may be to do with the business of life that isn't going to take up all day every day in the week) and then wants to visit family every weekend. It doesn't seem to leave much "couple time" to just relax together and catch up.

After months of been at home alone - who wouldn't want to come home from a day at work to no chores and a meal cooked by a loving partner appreciative of the efforts you've put in -far nicer than bickering over washing up (I agree Get a dishwasher) or nagging over other failures. They travelling partner is going from a work enviroment to a home enviroment - yet doesn't seem to want to do coupley type things -No wonder she's fed up. (If it was the woman travelling the man no doubt would be equally fed up if she came home and was out all day and didn't have time to make them feel appreciated and that the time alone whilst they were away was worth it.
Nothing to do with sexism and everything to do with making your partner feel appreciated for their efforts when you are apart.

marisco_2

steveouk wrote: »

I just want an easy life so take all the chores on to do myself. but then end up exhausted as I have much else going on as well.

If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got. That will make you miserable, and could cause avoidable damage to your relationship.

Try again to talk and reason with your partner. Do as much listening as talking, and see if she is prepared to meet you half way. The happiest and healthiest relationships require both parties to want to pull together and work as a strong team.

I hope you can work through this and get back on track. Time with each other is precious and it must be painful when much of it is spent in a negative atmosphere.

Tiddlywinks

Nice try at back tracking BUT the same applies to all long absences.. whether they be commercial or forces.

If you meant nothing derogatory, why say:

duchy wrote: »

She's not a child or feeble minded. Presumably with your attitude you are either forces or ex forces.

The person not deployed may work hard keeping the household going, but the person returning also finds it hard to fit back in and needs some 'chill out' time too. That's the whole idea of the extended leave... to allow assimilation back into normal life... not to have to skivvy to make up for all the time away when you couldn't do the chores.

PenguinJim

Wow! That was impressive! How did this:

steveouk wrote: »

She does do things at the weekend when we are at home and not busy visiting relatives or out and about ourselves.

...transform into this:

duchy wrote: »

Instead they are moaned at about the washing up - the partner is off doing their thing every day (and is essentially "on holiday" so whilst some may be to do with the business of life that isn't going to take up all day every day in the week) and then wants to visit family every weekend. It doesn't seem to leave much "couple time" to just relax together and catch up.

???

I think the technical term is "projecting"?

Gordon_Hose

Whatever you do won't be enough. I wash up, do the majority of the clothes washing, bath and put to bed our son most nights. I've compressed my working hours so 5 days is squeezed into 4 (she works part time) so that our son only has 3 days at nursery (it's cheaper) and I take care of the garden, wash the car, put the bins out. Yet the second I take 5 mins to sit down with a brew and check Facebook on my phone I'm "never off that damn phone" and "don't lift a finger around here"...

Women are never happy! :rotfl:

steveouk

Sorry for not replying sooner but I have been out of signal range! Anyway every one has made valid points and I will try to go over them when I have time at home! I will talk to my other half though and try to do it nicely saying all the nice things that she has done then how its maybe best to agree what we want. I know people have said about a dishwasher and or not worrying about arguing over the dishes but she will not dry up she just washes up then leaves it to drip dry saying that its more hygienic. I agree but I do like to leave the kitchen tidy once we have eaten. I believe a lot of it is to do with our partners when she was growing up her mum did all the housework where as at home my mum and dad will share some of the chores!

Georgiegirl256

steveouk wrote: »

Sorry for not replying sooner but I have been out of signal range! Anyway every one has made valid points and I will try to go over them when I have time at home! I will talk to my other half though and try to do it nicely saying all the nice things that she has done then how its maybe best to agree what we want. I know people have said about a dishwasher and or not worrying about arguing over the dishes but she will not dry up she just washes up then leaves it to drip dry saying that its more hygienic. I agree but I do like to leave the kitchen tidy once we have eaten. I believe a lot of it is to do with our partners when she was growing up her mum did all the housework where as at home my mum and dad will share some of the chores!

It is more hygienic to leave dishes to air dry. So instead of fighting her on that one, you could just go along with it. Let them dry and then put them away the next time you are in the kitchen.

TBagpuss

It's great that you are willing to talk this through with her. It's likely that you each have very different perceptions about what is going on, and it can be really helpful if you are each able to express that - not saying "you always do x", or "you never do y" but more "I feel that I am expected to do x, and that makes me feel..." if you focus on how you feel about the situation rather than making it about what one of you is (or isn't) doing then it is likely to feel less like a personal attack, and you may be better able to discuss options and to see each others points of view.
I think one of the things which is hard about living alone, (which your fiancee is doing, a lot of the time) is that you don't ever have anyone to do something for you, or to acknowledge what you do. It sounds as though perhaps she is going too far the other way when you come home. Equally, and particularly if she has never worked away, she may under-estimate the number of things other than housework which you need to do.

Like others,. I think that if the other things you have to do are leisure rather than work it is reasonable that you do a greater share of the housework etc. but that doesn't mean that you should do it all. You should however bear in mind that sharing the chores may involve negotiating on how they are done.

I can think of one couple I know where the wife does all of the house work. She moans a lot about being expected to do everything, but she *also* expects her husband to do everything in exactly the way she wants. He has, not entirely unreasonably, taken the view that if he is doing a task then he will do it his way. I wonder whether you are a little like that wife, and that your fiancee feels (for instance) that if her method of washing up is not good enough for you you can do it yourself! I would imagine that this would be particualrly annoying as you are away so much, so she may feel that you are not only dictating what she should do and how she should do it, but also ignoring the workable methods and habits she already has in place.

Of course, it is *also* possible that she is lazy, but it is worth looking at, and discussing, the other possibilities before leaping to that conclusion.