Trying to get fiancee to take the strain of the chores

steveouk

Ok so here goes.


I am trying to make changes at home and not having much luck.


It seems that whatever way I go about it I cant seem to change things.


I just want an even division of tasks between the two of us but I have probably screwed things up by putting up with doing too much over the last few years we have lived together.


We have recently moved house a few months ago and when I came back from working away it has been better in that she does more washing up but only because she says if she does not I will moan I am being left to do it all. I work away for up to 4 months at a time and have 3 months leave. She says she has to cope while I am away and I should do everything I can during the week when I am home. She does do things at the weekend when we are at home and not busy visiting relatives or out and about ourselves.


I accept that when we lived in our old house I did not much during the day so it would not be fair to ask her to cook. But I got fed up that I only seemed to exist as some sort of house slave. I would ask her to do the washing up and she would say who ever cooks washes up I cooked Monday to Friday so I cooked and washed up 5 days a week and she might do it at the weekend.


We have had so many arguments of late as I am busy during the day on my leave and still doing the majority of the cooking cleaning etc and I ask for help and she says she will not be dictated to and will do things when she pleases and not when I ask her!!


I do things when she asks me so why should she decide when she does what she wants?


I have tried speaking to her nicely but all I get is oh shut up moaning - I just want her support!!


I don't know what to do I know I sound like I am moaning but when I try to divide things fairly she says my way of doing it is wrong.


I know we need to draw up an agreement as to who will do what a rota or something but I just want an easy life so take all the chores on to do myself. but then end up exhausted as I have much else going on as well.

greeneggs_2

To be honest I think she may have a bit of a point. Are you busy during your leave doing hobbies etc? If that's the case I think it's only fair thats you do the majority of the housework since she's at work all day.

NinjaSavingKat

Hmmm interesting! She might have a different idea of what clean is to you ( not including the dishes obviously) and might find it hard to clean when it doesn't "look" like it needs done.

Why don't you sit down together, draw up a regular cleaning list - then figure out who could do what and when - perhaps on a monthly basis if shifts get in the way for her etc..

I hate doing the dishes. I would quite happily leave them for a few days and do them all in one hit. I have lived with a friend who had OCD which was too much to deal with as she would clean until 0200 in the morning and expect me to do the same...

Expecting her to do the cleaning and tell her to do so is incredibly patronising if you do mention it all the time. She might waiting for you to stop asking for ONCE and let her get on with things herself.

Albeit this "whoever cooks also washes" is rubbish - who ever has dinner made for them needs to get off their a** and be grateful and wash the dishes out of kindness more than anything....

But again don't tell her to do the cleaning - she is not a child. And won't like being spoken to like one. Save the arguments for something worthwhile and make a list (perhaps separately to see what each of you thinks should be done on a daily / weekly / monthly basis to compare ) and then sit down like adults and discuss how things are to be divided?...

How do you think this will go down - have you spoken to her about your frustrations. Perhaps a proper sit down is required and not just an off the cuff remark when her back is up at being told what to do by her boyfriend.

Just a thought. Or you could just stop doing any of it - and let it pile up. She will soon notice what needs done....;-)

Georgiegirl256

She sounds like she's got a bit of an attitude, but she does have a point.

Usually for most couples one cooks and the other one washes up though. You could start off by suggesting that.

CH27

It must be difficult for you both to adjust to you being home. She has four months to do as she pleases & now you are telling her what to do.
I assume the house is maintained whilst you are away?

You need to talk to her about how to split tasks & then do yours & leave her to do hers. Don't pick up after her by doing her jobs though.

GwylimT

So you think when you are at home you and your partner should share the chores, so when you are currently away what are you putting in place to do your half, or do you expect her to do it all and then moan when you are expected to do your fair share.

Person_one

I don't think I'd take it particularly well if I was managing the house on my own for four months at a time and then my partner came home every now and then and took it upon themselves to criticise me for not doing enough!

When you're working away, do you have any domestic chores to do or is it all taken care of for you?

AnnieO1234

OP I think we need to know a few more details before we launch into what could be an attack on you and/or your partner!

When you're away where do you stay? Are you working standard hours so still getting evenings and weekends or is it pretty much full throttle 12 hour days with no real time off?

Does your partner work? If so what are her hours like?

On the face of it maybe a cleaner once a week would solve certain issues.

You both need to come to an understanding of what you both want and need. You'll both be either grown up enough to deal, or one or both will be too childish to accept (sorry harsh but true) and this will end up being a decisive moment in your relationship.

Xxx

dandelionclock30

If your at home all day and she is out working then you should do the majority of the chores. I think she is right with this. However, if you do the evening meal then I think she should do the washing up.
You could get a dish washer, although I think often its more hassell with them than doing it by hand.
All you can do really is encourage her to help with them. Also she will be used to doing things her way really as she is on her own when you are away. So obviously it will take her a bit of getting used to having you back.

CRANKY40

My late husband worked that shift pattern 17 weeks on, 12 weeks off and I was working full time at first, then part time when we had a baby. While he was away I did everything....all paperwork, looked after the house, sorted any problems (I hate leaking pipes, that was a huge one off problem) looked after the baby and worked too. When he was home, some of the jobs shifted. I still did the ironing but he would see to the washing if I asked him. He would put the rubbish out because it gave me a break from doing it and would hoover round in the day while I was out. Cooking depended on what we fancied eating. He made great enchiladas and pizzas, my lasagne was great and so on. We didn't wash up, we bought a dishwasher.

If we were both too tired to cook then sometimes we had a takeaway. To be fair I couldn't stand the sight of him the first week he was home because he totally disrupted my routine, and the same the week before he went when he was collating and packing things like 17 weeks worth of decent toothpaste and so on.....

I used to say to him that my life was like groundhog day sometimes while he was off seeing the world (even though he was working there were shore trips, foreign bars etc), but generally we rubbed along ok while he was home. Do you think maybe your fiancee has a routine while you're away and she's not happy having to change the way she does things because you're home?

It takes a very independent woman to live alone for 17 weeks while her partner is elsewhere. That is also the quality that is making her tell you to do one when you ask her to do jobs in the house. Instead of telling her, how about sitting down of an evening and asking her what stuff needs doing the next day and sorting out who can do the tasks based on what other things both of you need to do. Oh, and buy a dishwasher. Life's too short to argue over washing dishes. The last trip my husband was on he didn't come home alive.

sulphate

More information needed about the hours your partner works, but generally I think when she is at work all day and you are home you should do the majority of the chores.

I worked all day today and my husband was at home, so he did some chores that needed doing and will cook dinner later, I will do some tidying of our bedroom later as half my clothes are all over the place. On Saturday he was working and I was at home so I did some tidying and baking etc. Seems only fair.