Trying to get fiancee to take the strain of the chores

ska_lover

Wow, the ''whoever cooks, washes up'' rule is harrrrrrrrsh! In our house that is the opposite, whoever cooks, doesn't wash up.

I hate washing up, I would rather cook any day of the week lol

lostinrates

ska_lover wrote: »

Wow, the ''whoever cooks, washes up'' rule is harrrrrrrrsh! In our house that is the opposite, whoever cooks, doesn't wash up.

I hate washing up, I would rather cook any day of the week lol

I'm not sure we have a 'rule'. We tend to stack dishwasher/ cleanup as go along where possible and stacking plates isn't a huge deal.

On the occasion there is something left to go in a Tupperware and the fridge I suppose that's slightly more hassle, my husband likes doing that when he is home. If the dishwasher's full we leave it stacked on top till the morning. And turn the blighter on. ( unless it had time to finish before bed when we do it later, our dishwasher has really long cycles though.....)

Our only rule is I don't like make after dinner coffee, so if its wanted someone else has to do it. Whether its us or a dinner party.

pinkshoes

ska_lover wrote: »

Wow, the ''whoever cooks, washes up'' rule is harrrrrrrrsh! In our house that is the opposite, whoever cooks, doesn't wash up.

I hate washing up, I would rather cook any day of the week lol

Same in ours! I'm a good cook, but if DH doesn't wash up, then the next day he gets tomato and lentil soup. Mmmmmmm!

Which reminds me, must go find that soup to microwave...

ste_wilko

She has no valid point at all! If you're not there then you are not contributing to the mess. She is merely cleaning up after herself and her guests.

In my opinion, completely selfish.

If you're both there contributing to the mess then you both should equally. Fair enough, if she's been to work it would be nice if the dinner was ready when she got back. But if you're just as equally busy during the day her being at work doesn't hold more weight. By the sounds of it you travel a lot and there is a lot of preperation that goes into each visit so effectively you are still working, just that it may be from home.

Sit her down for a serious conversation. It sounds childish for a grown couple to have to do but draw up a rota if that helps. Or both agree that when you're both at home you both need to do your bit.

And if my other half made me wash pots after cooking dinner, I'd only ever cook it once. I'm not saying that just because you've cooked she MUST wash, as I cook and wash sometimes but she shouldn't expect you to do it

Timeflies

Washing up on your own is pretty miserable. Washing up while your OH dries up and vacuums/wipes down the kitchen after tea is a nice chance to chat together and get the whole thing done in half the time. We take it in turns to cook, but washing/clearing up is always shared, unless one of us is very busy with something.

trailingspouse

You don't say what your job is - but in your working life are you used to giving orders? OH#1 had to be reminded on a regular basis that I wasn't part of his crew.

Also, don't underestimate how tiring it is running a house and job etc etc single-handedly. Presumably she is managing to do this perfectly well when you're not around. Your girlfriend might want you to just come home and take some of the strain from her occasionally. When did you last make her a nice cup of tea, or pour her a glass of wine without having to be asked? And what about the things that she perhaps can't do herself while you're away - I'm sure she'd appreciate you getting on with doing those.

As to the whole thorny question of who does the washing up - for goodness sake, you haven't seen each other for 4 months, do it together and talk to each other while you're doing it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Hmm. I think I can kinda understand where she's coming from.

Week in, week out, she's alone as soon as she finishes work. She does all the housework, deals with all the problems, effectively lives as a single person without being able/willing to act as one (because she's waiting for you).

Eventually, months later, you're back. But you're busy all day every day. And, to top it off, you're trying to instigate a regime change, criticising what she's doing. For all you know, she could cry into her pillow in her big, empty bed, wishing for you to come back and hold her for much of the time apart. But when you are back, it's not about the two of you in love, it's about you complaining that you're just a slave in the house she's left alone in for months on end.

Do you miss her? Are you alone for night after night, or are you around people all the time? Does she know that you miss her (if you do)? Because it probably doesn't feel like you do to her right now.


I think, after the initial happiness to see you, she'd then start feeling hurt and rejected. And now she's angry and resentful. Which is dangerous territory for you if you want this relationship to succeed.

Talk to her about your feelings about her, not the washing up. Don't be busy every day, make time for her as well. Go on dates - a trip to a beautiful location where it's just you and her and some strawberries and champagne/fizzy elderflower.


She's telling you loud and clear that she's not happy. Listen to her. If you do, the housework thing might just disappear by itself.

maman

OP hasn't been back and until we have a few more details it's hard to be definitive.


What I would say, when I lived alone for a couple of years (now DH lived 200 miles away) I had a very easy life domestically. I could do what I liked when I liked. Didn't make a great deal of mess so little cleaning, just washing for one person, could snack on whatever I wanted like porage for dinner if I fancied, have a late night or an early night, work late, go in early. Whatever I liked.


I certainly don't recognise the overworked woman that OP's fianc!e is being described as but it seems that when he gets back she wants him to do everything. Is it because she sees it that she 's still working but he has time off? Whereas he's done long shifts away and resents using his down time for domestic chores.


I'd say they definitely need to talk it out. If she won't then I'd suggest OP just chooses a range of things that he thinks is a fair share for him. So do a bit of shopping, washing, cleaning and cooking and then if she doesn't do her 'half' just tell her calmly you'll not be doing any more until next week. You could be in for a rocky road ahead though.;)

whitewing

Buy a dishwasher. I hate washing up and I love my dishwasher.

duchy

So when you are away she does 100% of any home stuff and when you come home even though she is out working all day you would rather she came home and did chores rather than the two of you spend time together. You have hobbies and they take priority over ldoing chores and spending time with her.

And you are wondering why she is resentful? really?

Maybe instead of telling her to do things you could have an adult conversation. She's not a child or feeble minded. Presumably with your attitude you are either forces or ex forces.