Trying to get fiancee to take the strain of the chores

aggypanthus

CRANKY40 wrote: »

My late husband worked that shift pattern 17 weeks on, 12 weeks off and I was working full time at first, then part time when we had a baby. While he was away I did everything....all paperwork, looked after the house, sorted any problems (I hate leaking pipes, that was a huge one off problem) looked after the baby and worked too. When he was home, some of the jobs shifted. I still did the ironing but he would see to the wasehing if I asked him. He would put the rubbish out because it gave me a break from doing it and would hoover round in the day while I was out. Cooking depended on what we fancied eating. He made great enchiladas and pizzas, my lasagne was great and so on. We didn't wash up, we bought a dishwasher.

If we were both too tired to cook then sometimes we had a takeaway. To be fair I couldn't stand the sight of him the first week he was home because he totally disrupted my routine, and the same the week before he went when he was collating and packing things like 17 weeks worth of decent toothpaste and so on.....









I used to say to him that my life was like groundhog day sometimes while he was off seeing the world (even though he was working there were shore trips, foreign bars etc), but generally we rubbed along ok while he was home. Do you think maybe your fiancee has a routine while you're away and she's not happy having to change the way she does things because you're home?





It takes a very independent woman to live alone for 17 weeks while her partner is elsewhere. That is also the quality that is making her tell you to do one when you ask her to do jobs in the house. Instead of telling her, how about sitting down of an evening and asking her what stuff needs doing the next day and sorting out who can do the tasks based on what other things both of you need to do. Oh, and buy a dishwasher. Life's too short to argue over washing dishes. The last trip my husband was on he didn't come home alive.

so sorry, what happened to him?

PenguinJim

duchy wrote: »

You have hobbies and they take priority over ldoing chores and spending time with her.

And you are wondering why she is resentful? really?

Maybe instead of telling her to do things you could have an adult conversation. She's not a child or feeble minded. Presumably with your attitude you are either forces or ex forces.

I'm late to the thread - did the OP post again but then delete it? I can't see these "hobbies" you're referencing. I can see:

steveouk wrote: »

We have had so many arguments of late as I am busy during the day on my leave and still doing the majority of the cooking cleaning etc and I ask for help and she says she will not be dictated to and will do things when she pleases and not when I ask her!!
...
I know we need to draw up an agreement as to who will do what a rota or something but I just want an easy life so take all the chores on to do myself. but then end up exhausted as I have much else going on as well.

Nothing about "hobbies"?

I know from experience that if I've been away on business for a while and then come home and I'm not scheduled to go into the office, my first week (at least) is usually crammed with administration, both personal and job-related - bank appointments, licensing updates, renewing registrations, writing reports, and even - dare I say it, or do I risk your anger as well? - meeting people who are important to me who I haven't seen for several months. That's ignoring many other possibilities such as the OP needing to take care of sick relatives, working on further education or another "job" (e.g. writing), or simply doing things for the house that they haven't classified as housework (e.g. fixing the roof, landscaping the garden, etc).

Cramming your entire non-work life into a few months of leave every year must be difficult. Working a 9-5 and then doing some washing up in the evening seems to me, on the face of it, less difficult.

It's funny how I see some threads where the pitchforks come out for lazy partners who work 9-5 and then don't do any housework in the evenings, and then threads like this where the 9-5 partner should be protected from doing any housework in the evenings. If only I could put my finger on why it is apparently "right" for some partners but "wrong" for others...

seven-day-weekend

This reminds me of the ongoing thread where it is classed as perfectly acceptable for women to leave lists telling their husbands what chores to do. Now this is the other way round it's suddenly unacceptable. I wonder why that can be?

lostinrates

Living schedules like this can be a huge adjustment ( nothing to do with sex seven days). Not in chores but in the very way you live and feel about your space. Not once as when you go in to a partnership, but repeatedly. I remember my parents doing the longer stints and it could difficult over quite small things.

BrassicWoman

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

This reminds me of the ongoing thread where it is classed as perfectly acceptable for women to leave lists telling their husbands what chores to do. Now this is the other way round it's suddenly unacceptable. I wonder why that can be?

That thread isn't as one sided as you suggest, but don't let facts get in the way of a good bit of sexism!

seven-day-weekend

BrassicWoman wrote: »

That thread isn't as one sided as you suggest, but don't let facts get in the way of a good bit of sexism!

Possibly not...but I did notice the different interpretations in this one.

I personally think the problems in this one are the constant changes. They both get used to living as singles, then suddenly they are a couple, then they are singles again. I did it for a year while my husband was at Uni in Wales and it is very difficult. What they need to do is have a long and honest talk about how they both feel and agree on how to move forward.

pattojones

duchy wrote: »

So when you are away she does 100% of any home stuff and when you come home even though she is out working all day you would rather she came home and did chores rather than the two of you spend time together. You have hobbies and they take priority over ldoing chores and spending time with her.

And you are wondering why she is resentful? really?

Maybe instead of telling her to do things you could have an adult conversation. She's not a child or feeble minded. Presumably with your attitude you are either forces or ex forces.

Pardon? That last bit is more than slightly rude!

Tiddlywinks

duchy wrote: »

She's not a child or feeble minded. Presumably with your attitude you are either forces or ex forces.

WHAT?

pattojones wrote: »

Pardon? That last bit is more than slightly rude!

I agree, that last comment is completely discriminatory.

I've got direct experience of forces life and get sick of these kinds of assumptions about the way we live (lived) and our attitudes to life.

You are a bigot!

duchy

Lets see if the OP is or not first.
My assumption was based on certain phrases they used rather than anything else - but don't let that stop you throwing a tantrum before you have all the facts !

fivetide

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

What they need to do is have a long and honest talk about how they both feel and agree on how to move forward.

Best bit of advice here.

If you are apart a lot the last thing you want when you do have time together OP is to be bickering over petty things like washing up.

If the basic civilities aren't right then it will damage your relationship. I would agree that a good clear the air chat and some mutual support instead of resentment about who does what is needed.