new baby on the way... family rift...WWYD?

DigForVictory

nai87 wrote: »

"get over it. you are not blood. you are not family."

Well, what a peach she isn't. And your poor beloved poppa with a drink problem? Ick.

Discuss this with your husband, so you work from the same page.

This week, be clear, grandfather only.
This month, be clear, grandfather only if sober & no unaccompanied overnight stays til grandchild Gillick comptetent.

When the baby is born, and you have recovered a bit, go out for a meal & invite your father to meet his grandchild there. Take the photos your baby will learn as usual. Omit his female - by *her* rules she's "not family" after all.

Only meet on neutral ground, control photos as best you can & just see how things roll.

Focus on having as calm & constructive a preganancy as you can, maintain the courtesies insofar as your health allows & here's hoping a healthy happy grandchild helps your Dad lay off the booze.

What he does with the womenfolk is his business, but yep, your baby, your rules. Steady as you go!

view

Wouldn't you rather, in all honesty, put all of this properly behind you? It's still eating up at you and although you may not realise it, you're using a baby that hasn't been born yet to further drive into the wedge. Not fair on the baby, not fair on you.

Ask to meet with your stepmother. Sit down and tell her you were upset with what she said to you but you want to move forward. Don't bring all the past into it, just say you felt hurt at her words. Give her a chance to respond and then say I would really like to move forward and create a new future. Keep it to the point, try as hard as you can to not get emotional and don't play the blame game. Just tell her how you felt. If she dismisses it, then properly move on.

You would be doing yourself a massive favour. Or you will be looking aback when your child is 10 still seething and having created another ten years of hate. This child knows nothing of this situation, change their future.

It'll be awkward to do this with your stepmother however, if your father and she are getting back together then do what is best for the family as a whole.

Hate and holding onto bad feelings only hurts one person, you.

esmerelda98

nai87 wrote: »

Morning all. I can understand where everyone is coming from. If I need help, I have a heck of a lot of people to help out with and dad isn't the only person I have in my life. I haven't relied on him for over 10 years not out of choice.

There has been many times where I was barely 16 17 18 at college with no funds that he has asked me to look after his dog while they go on month long holidays. I did say yes and stay there. A bit like living there... but they will have cleared out the fridge and kitchen of edible things before going. This is not a one off occurrence. ...

I don't see how I would need his help one day if I had to have fended for myself for a very long time

regarding family events, he has come on his own, i.e. my wedding/reception, birthdays etc so it is done that way and has been for 4 years. he has accepted that.

He is kicking off due to the fact he wants to have this baby overnight 50 miles away with that woman and HER SISTER living across the road from that woman. not a chance in hell.

You know what you want to do, and you have known since before you started the thread. Do it, and stop boring the rest of us.

There is no indication that this woman has any interest in playing grandma to your child so you are probably doing her a favour. She won't have to come up with excuses to your father as to why it is not a good idea for him to bring his grandchild to visit them as a couple when she would rather be doing something else. He'll probably expect her to do most of the humdrum caring stuff because she's female, more so if she's brought up young children herself, and if there's no warm, loving relationship with you, why would she want to put herself out for your sprog?

In any case I doubt we have been given the complete and literal transcription of what she said to you. I suspect it was a poor attempt to say that despite her sister's bad decision, she wasn't going to turn her back on her. But regardless, you are happy now, right? Continue as you are. I suspect your dad is the only one that will be hurt by this. But he'll just have to learn that we can't always have what we want.

KxMx

It's your baby, so you get to make the decisions, not your Dad and not your step mother.
You don't need to justify yourself, or explain them to others.
As I see it, you're being quite reasonable, letting your Dad make his own relationship choices and supporting them (or at least not opposing them), and willing for him to have a relationship with baby. Just because you wish to exclude stepmother doesn't make you unreasonable. And nothing wrong with saying no to overnight stays for now either. You have the rights, not your Dad.

January20

JIL wrote: »

What goes around comes around. She is not blood she is not family. Those words will and have come back to haunt her. Even she should see the irony in that.
The ball is firmly in your court. I would carry on with your life and see how things pan out. Just concentrate on your partner and your pregnancy.

^^^This is exactly what I would say to your dad.
Also I wouldn't want a woman who disrespects me as much as your ex stepmothe disrespects you to be around any child of mine.
Nobody can behave so badly and expect to play happy families! Clearly your dad is not thinking logically!

duchy

Overnight?
Fifty miles away?
With an alcoholic?

Forget any family rows this wouldn't be acceptable to any competent parent regardless

January20

esmerelda98 wrote: »

You know what you want to do, and you have known since before you started the thread. Do it, and stop boring the est of us..

Well, that's charming isn't? I am not bored at all by the OP and I can understand why, although she has already made a decision, she would like to see other people's opinion. She is after all dealing with a problem regarding her father, not just any old acquaintance!

OP, you ex stepmother has shown you little respect. She has told you "no blood, no family" just throw this phrase back in her face. She deserves it. She sounds vile.

I'm afraid neither her, as a nasty piece of work who clearly has no respect for you, or your father, as an alcoholic, are suitable people to look after a baby overnight anywhere and certainly not 50 miles away! Why would they even think you would let them do it? some people are really deluded!

Peter333

January20 wrote: »

Well, that's charming isn't? I am not bored at all by the OP and I can understand why, although she has already made a decision, she would like to see other people's opinion. She is after all dealing with a problem regarding her father, not just any old acquaintance!

OP, you ex stepmother has shown you little respect. She has told you "no blood, no family" just throw this phrase back in her face. She deserves it. She sounds vile.

I'm afraid neither her, as a nasty piece of work who clearly has no respect for you, or your father, as an alcoholic, are suitable people to look after a baby overnight anywhere and certainly not 50 miles away! Why would they even think you would let them do it? some people are really deluded!

I agree. The stepmother sounds like a nasty cow, and the OP's father sounds like he is pretty spineless tbh.

The OP should stick to her guns and tell him that HE can see the baby, but the stepmother cannot.

What she said to the OP was dreadful, it sounds like she meant it, and she will not apologise.

pollypenny

It's not even a stepmother! It's an ex-stepmother!

TBagpuss

You and your husband get to decide who gets to see your baby.

If you are happy for your dad to have contact, but not your step mum, then that is fine. You ell you dad that he is welcome, she is not. if he is going to eilfully misunderstand when you use BSL then you could write him a letter. Explain that his relationship with SM is his relationship, and that he should do whatever makes him happy, and you wish him well whether he is with her or not. However, as SM was rude, agressive and deeply unpleasant to you, you do not wish to have any kind of relationship with her, and do not want her to come to your home or to be involved with your baby.
You can make clear that he is welcome to visit by himself, whether or not he is in a relationship with her, and you can, if you feel it is appropriate, tell him that if she is prepared to apologise and offer assurances that she will treat you and your family with respect, you would be willing to consider including her in future , if he does get back with her, however, only offer this is you would actually be willing to include her if she were to apologise. You may feel that there is nothing she could do which would make you willing to have her near your child, and if that is the case, that is OK.

I would not even address the issue of over night says at present - if you are willinfor your dad to visit the baby at your home, offer that. If you are willing to meet half way in a park, offer that.

There is no benefit to a small baby in having overnight contact with granddad ( and as he is deaf and alcoholic, there would be safety issues, unless you were also there, and you are free to decline any invitation for yourself, if SM would be there)

By the time your litle one is 5 or 6 and old enough to see an overnight say with granddad as an adventure and to enjoy it in his or her own right, anything may have changed, and you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Finally - your dad sounds pretty pushy - is it possible that he would take more notice of your husband than of you, as they don't have the same parent / child dynamic? It might be worth agreeing with your husband what your joint position is, and letting your husband deliver the message to your dad. (even if your dad ignores him, to, it shows them that you are a united couple, and also takes some of the pressure off you.)

Also - having a relationship with you adult child, or with your grand children, is not a right. If your dad is serious about wanting to build that relationship, he will listen to you when you explain what you need to have happen for that to be possible. He gets to chose whether having that relationship is, for him, worth accepting those terms. If he choses that it is not, then that is his choice. it is not your choice, and it is not your fault. Don't let him try to guilt you into thinking that it is.