new baby on the way... family rift...WWYD?

whitewing

With regard to the second question, I sometimes think new parents can be in a bit if a bubble of how they expect family life to be when the baby arrives. The reality can be different, especially on lack of sleep. I wonder, for example, if you are day dreaming of having a future extended family life of going on holidays with grandparents or whatever floats your boat, and this woman isn't meeting your ideal image.

Whatever happens, give yourself some wriggle room so that you can choose to get on with her in the future should you wish to do so.

nai87_2

ahh understand you because it was a little vague.

i have lack of sleep anyways with a bladder disease and ibs. i do know its nothing compared to a new born lol, it was a shock having my niece when she was a month old for a couple of weeks. i found just to cope, is to let my husband soothe me which tbh is a massive gift!

i don't see my dad that often, it always ends up feeling like I'm talking to a brick wall and thats not even about his ex wife. just his common sense and intelligence has seemed to have disappeared since he has started to drink more and more so he's not exactly going to be reliant. (this is the reason of the marriage breakup. the drinking problem)

i suppose ive had to fight my corner for many years since he left my mother for her on my 14th and my sisters 10th birthday and move to a different town, hardly seeing us and now he has been dumped on my doorstep because she decided he's something to dispose of. (i am in no way saying my dad is perfect, he has his faults. he is still my dad.)

so i dunno if i ever have daydreamed in that sense of family outings. all I've thought about is that carl has a wonderful family to be part of and i have a mum and stepfather to lean on when ever i need to. so i suppose that stepmother will have to miss out due to the fact she doesn't see the irony

thanks everyone, i feel much better that its not me being a complete cow

duchy

Just as you have no right to dictate whether he should restart his relationship with this woman -he in turn has no right to dictate to you who you and by extension your child can see.

It appears you are fine with him playing a full grandparent role regardless of if he goes back to this woman or not-so he could have a lot more to moan about than having to visit without her (presumably he is able to visit without her assistance eg no disability ?)

nai87_2

duchy wrote: »

Just as you have no right to dictate whether he should restart his relationship with this woman -he in turn has no right to dictate to you who you and by extension your child can see.

It appears you are fine with him playing a full grandparent role regardless of if he goes back to this woman or not-so he could have a lot more to moan about than having to visit without her (presumably he is able to visit without her assistance eg no disability ?)

He is deaf, I'm fluent in bsl just for him and thats a massive play in the miscommunication. English and bsl structure are completely different and when i do explain to him what i deem is correct/acceptable e.g. this subject and my feelings. he goes back to her and ask her if this is acceptable. of course... she warps his mind so he comes back and calls me a vindictive cow.....

sigh.... :think:

aggypanthus

whitewing wrote: »

With regard to the second question, I sometimes think new parents can be in a bit if a bubble of how they expect family life to be when the baby arrives. The reality can be different, especially on lack of sleep. I wonder, for example, if you are day dreaming of having a future extended family life of going on holidays with grandparents or whatever floats your boat, and this woman isn't meeting your ideal image.

Whatever happens, give yourself some wriggle room so that you can choose to get on with her in the future should you wish to do so.

thats just daft! The woman clearly has been nasty to OP, why would she CHOOSE to play happy stepmum with her!

And why wud she daydream! Of happy days with her?!

seven-day-weekend

nai87 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Im expecting a little one due in december time and long story short, my father has been throwing strops in regards to his (ex) wife (stepmother).

long story short...

Over four years ago, i had a partner whom i was living with just about a year. Very serious and intense relationship as he blew hot and cold.
This same partner was seeing my stepmothers sister and later dumped me for her.

This nasty vile stepmother of mine basically said to me, "get over it. you are not blood. you are not family." :eek:

Needless to say, i fell out with her and her family that day, quit my temp job and lived with my mum for a year in Australia to piece myself together again.

Its not about him going with her, he did me a favour. But to have your stepmother turn around and say these kind of things.. that hurt me and still hurts me now. Since cutting them out, my life has been somewhat very peaceful!!!!

My husband and i view this as a serious matter because of my father, he has come round today saying that there is a chance to fix his marriage to her. i told him if things work out then i am happy for him. don't expect me to speak to her. that is my choice.

He has since then kicked off because this choice will extend to my child once born. if he wants to see my child, he will have to come on his own without her.

Am i being too hard?

On your father, yes. It wasn't his fault your stepmother upset you. Call a truce for his sake, so that he can see his grandchild. Life's too short for arguing with loved ones.

HPoirot

nai87 wrote: »

He is deaf, I'm fluent in bsl just for him and thats a massive play in the miscommunication. English and bsl structure are completely different and when i do explain to him what i deem is correct/acceptable e.g. this subject and my feelings. he goes back to her and ask her if this is acceptable. of course... she warps his mind so he comes back and calls me a vindictive cow.....

sigh.... :think:

Hi, if a grown man would need to ask another person if it was acceptable before he believes what his daughter says, then he is not much of a man. Hence his ex having free reign with her spiteful nature over you.

Your dad is kicking off over a little person who has not been born yet? Why the drama? Some people would be awed that they are to be grandparents, end of. Why does he involve 'family' politics into this? Who is this woman who has to control everything?

This is your dad's problem not yours. You don't want any added stress and drama. I would do the same as you, stand my ground that this woman will not be pawing my baby.

Oh, and I would be adamant too, that those who are unhappy that this woman won't be pawing my baby, are to keep away themselves. End of. I don't see the proud grandfather-to-be at play here and I would definitely not want anyone using my unborn baby as a pawn in yet another episode of their high jinks drama.

Good luck - and congratulations

jackieblack

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

On your father, yes. It wasn't his fault your stepmother upset you. Call a truce for his sake, so that he can see his grandchild. Life's too short for arguing with loved ones.

OP's not saying he can't see his grandchild, just that the stepmother can't.
Seems fair enough to me.
She (step mother) was nasty and hurtful to OP and hasn't apologised for it. If she's bothered she knows what to do.

seven-day-weekend

jackieblack wrote: »

OP's not saying he can't see his grandchild, just that the stepmother can't.
Seems fair enough to me.
She (step mother) was nasty and hurtful to OP and hasn't apologised for it. If she's bothered she knows what to do.

Life's too short. Ok, so she hasn't apologised. She may not ever apologise. You can then either live in a family feud for ever, or you can be the better person and put up with the stepmother for her father's sake.

Spendless

Having gone through several family feuds, over the years, some involving me, some not and having only learnt about another one yesterday I'm with sdw.

Whilst baby isn't here and on an internet forum it may look simple that you can exclude step-mum from yours and babys life whilst letting your dad be involved. The reality is likely to be somewhat different. You are going to put your Dad in an awkward position if he's asked to attend events without his wife or what if an emergency comes up and you need Dad to help out and if that can only be done from his house. I know you have said that you have your Mum and step-dad to rely on, but what if they can't, they're ill, on holiday, have an emergency of their own, die unexpectedly. My eldest is 14 and all the previous have happened to people I know who were reliant on a Grandparent to help out.