Better half of 2014 - all about me

lulabelle

thanks Buffy and LG. Meant to post this morning but ran out of time!

Went back and big man was really nice and gave me a hug. I wasn't expecting that. I think they just don't want me to go ultimately.

Am having second thoughts again but my best mate said "you can't, my nerves can't take any more of this" - and floated with the boy the idea of working until the end of march to which he said "absolutely not" - ha ha! best mate also said "you've made the call, now own it".

Both of them are right.

It is only the money and that IS IT which makes me question leaving. If I could get paid the same doing something else I would (as long as it wasn't compliance - boooorrrrinnnng!!!) so that tells me its the money.

Prime example: friend has invited us to her wedding next year. Happened to notice from her invite that she was having it at her house and they'd moved - I'm thinking how big's your house?! looked it up online - 1.375m!!!!!!

then I'm thinking, god, I really want a nice house (she was at uni with me and we do same job) and so should i stick with where I am (because then i can have one). Discussed it with the boy and he said "depends on how much you value money over happiness" and pointed out i'd then be tied to the job for the rest of my life.

he's right and the above may make me sound shallow - i hope it doesn't - i just always wanted a really nice house as the house i grew up in wasn't great.

but i know if i did stay in this profession i'd feel trapped so i guess the house would then feel like a millstone round my neck.

but it's hard, not to covet what others have, even though i know i'm fortunate.

pain has now thankfully gone from back and abdomen and now in face! but much less and coping without painkillers though work hard - combination of that and just not being motivated as notice period.

if i spend nothing until friday have managed not to go over budget this month on what i had allowed myself to spend by £1.10! even though i had to pay out £350 for buildings/contents insurance which i hadn't factored into that spending budget.

lulabelle

oh, LG it was season 3 - love suits!!! (love harvey specter more!)

lulabelle

epic fail on the MSE front - went to a shopping thing last night - only spend just under £10 (and it's actually just under £5 as being split with the boy) on xmas gifts.

Then went for tea after - £17 each.

Then boy said car (he tends to use my car now as it's parked closer to home than his) needed petrol and we needed rolls for work and milk - so around £12 each.

And ordered a few small xmas presents on line yesterday for the boy and also his nephew - so about £13.

Am taking it out of what I've budgeted for spending from 27 nov - 26 dec (we get paid tomorrow) but psychologically annoyed! I think I may well go over budget for december as my rental prop is due for a buildings/landlords insurance renewal which is usually around £250 and also christmas presents and the inevitable dinners/parties etc. Will have to try best to limit it.

Had a melt down at work yesterday. Basically big man was saying how good I am at what I do and how he's really enjoyed working with me (we've only really directly worked together since end of march) and how much he relies on me. He is one of the factors on the "don't leave" side of the balance as I really enjoy working with him (even though sometimes he does drive me mad) and I really like and respect him. SO I was in tears and saying I wasn't sure I'd made the right decision and didn't know what to do.

He was really good and said "I think you need to go". He said I need to see it as an opportunity - I'm not married and have no kids and I have the option of going out there and seeing if there is something I really love doing. He said if he had enough money he would stop working and spend time with his family but he doesn't have that option. He said that he knows I feel I've lost confidence and that is partially true but, heading out with no job is not a sign of someone without confidence, it's a sign of someone with plenty of confidence. He said, go have a break and see what's out there and if it's 3, 6, 9 months or whatever and you come back and sit on the other side of the table from me saying "big man, I've made a mistake", he'll be saying "there's the desk, now i need you to do, x,y and z".

It was really comforting to hear that. I do think he's right, I need a break for sure and just focus on getting fit and healthy and totally de-stressed. He said if I stayed, we'd be having the same conversation in June. He's right.

This weekend am going to get myself a shiny new notebook and jot down ideas (not "musts") of things I want to do with my time when I'm off. I have a new idea for a kid's book involving my lovely little (fat) cat, and the two dogs either side of us. Might work, might not. But will have a creative licence to write what I want - even if it just turns out to be a fun book for the boy's nephew.

Also want to get back into horse riding - boy's aunt has a farm with horses so might see if can go and help out in exchange for a few free rides.

And of course I have to train for the marathon.

Also want to work on my baking and cooking plus get thin (the two are obviously contradictory!)

I have to now "own" this decision and forge forward looking at it as a massive opportunity I am lucky to have.

lulabelle

arrrggghhhhhhh - crappie day due to an absolute cow bag at work!!!! someone (very) junior to me who is a total b1tch and has a massive attitude problem. I am fuming. I really really hope karma works!!!!!

Buffythedebtslayer

Hope Karma works it all out XX

Are you ok? not posted for a few days, just checking XX

lulabelle

hi bufster. thanks for asking - I went MIA as I had a trial this week so been super stressed.

Have given up on budgeting this month as with xmas it has just not proved possible. January will definitely be more frugal as will feb as we are away skiing but that's all paid for and i have enough euros left over from the summer.

karma did work - feel a bit bad for saying it but the silly cow broke up with her boyfriend and her mother got served with divorce proceedings (do feel a bit mean being glad at that but she has made it known she is very pleased I am leaving)

Didn't even get an interview for the latest job i applied for - starting to get a little worried I won't get a decent job but have to try and view it as the universe's way of making sure i do actually take some time off!

pretty exhausted after trial - early starts, working through lunches, late finishes and total concentration throughout. so not sure if i will get an awful lot done at work today.

really torn now - want to finish work as need the break but worrying about leaving having a job and an income. am not sure i will ever be able to be comfortable with the two.

lulabelle

went away with the boy for the weekend to visit his dad and stepmum (who have moved away) - was lovely and fun but we spent a fortune - travel is so expensive. But will just have to live with it.

Went a bit nuts on fruit etc yesterday as we have decided we are not eating well enough and wanted to put something in the nutribullet - really want to get healthy so don't feel too bad about it.

Just still worrying about not having a job/income but I really do need some time off and guess will just have to tighten the old belt when I leave.

Only 3.5 working days left this week as we shut at 1 on friday for our xmas party. Boy has his at same time so it's quite handy - we will probably meet up in town afterwards

Just wish I could stay in and be fully frugal but there are so many things on between now and xmas

LondonGirl252

Hey Lulabelle,


Just catching up on your recent posts, glad to hear you are in less pain now, keep focused on what you want to get out of this job move and the opportunities it will presnent you.


There's no reason a different career can't provide you with a lovely house but you don't wan't to be tied to a job that makes you ill to enable that to happen. Plus size isn't everything! You could have a smaller property and make it totally lush yourself!


Good luck with work for the rest of this year and I hope you continue to feel better xx

lulabelle

thanks LG. I did write a reply to this the other day but my laptop crashed!

I am now really stressing about money - it just seems to keep flying out, and the boy doesn't understand why I'm getting stressed. I have almost spent what I had budgeted this month - have £30 left to last me until 27th but also have to pay out £300 for flat insurance, £70 for gas safety check, £god knows what for the repair we just had to the toilet, plus have the girls coming over weds who are pushing me to provide food when we normally get a take out and split it, we are out friday night, saturday night and sunday lunch - not to mention the food we will need to buy for next week plus xmas eve and booze for xmas day.

It is really getting to me. But the boy doesn't want us to change our lifestyles so I don't want to stop doing what we do. On that note, he was very sweet and took me out for dinner for our 1 year anniversary on saturday night as well as buying me beautiful flowers.

Oh, and had a kick off with the person I despise in my department at the xmas party on friday - was so hammered i can't really remember what i said - everyone was hammered but that's not the point. I was worrying all weekend about going into work today and have spent most of day in my room with the door shut. Got the impression everyone hates me.

Still, 7.5 working days left until am off for xmas. They put me under pressure again last thursday to do a horrid application this coming friday. I had a meltdown and actually scratched my arm really hard (my friend who is a psychologist said this is just a coping mechanism and recommended I get some flannels to bite down on instead) but they are no longer making me do it - I don't know why they keep asking me to when they know what my reaction will be.

Anyway, sorry for the brain dump!!!

When_the_going_gets_tough

Hi lullabelle sorry that you are struggling right now. For your sabbatical period -if I can call it that to work I think you need to have a clear financial plan that you are able to keep to or you will only worry about money. Do you have a budget for all your bills including the property you are letting out? I think that is the first step. Then you need to decide how much socialising you can actually afford on your savings post job. Perhaps in January when everyone needs to tighten their belts you work exactly how the finances are going to work post job and use January and February to practise putting this into operation. If you treat your own finances like you would a client at work and give them the attention they need I am sure you can develope a strategy that will give you the breathing space you clearly need. Good luck.