Better half of 2014 - all about me

lulabelle

so, had to buy a pasta salad from m&s today as the boy made me a mouldy sandwich!!!!

bought milk on the way home though that was from odds and s*ds we had lying around.

i've not gone out tonight but the boy has - i feel like i must have a virus or something as i've had zero energy past couple of days, keep feeling dizzy and faint and have a really bad headache. Am a bit upset as feel bad letting him and other down and I was quite looking forward to the food but tbh i think i'll be going to bed in a minute! on the plus side - saved money by having (a not very nice) bowl of pasta with grated cheese (as we literally have nothing else in!)

2 more days then the weekend - thank god!!!

lulabelle

so, spent nothing yesterday. had lunch and dinner from stores (made sausage and chestnut pasta bake for tea - delicious!).

was in chronic pain all day yesterday - i had shingles when i was about 14 and suffer, on the right side of my body, from nerve related issues anyway. I had a flare up of the pain (started weds night really now I think about it) and it was just awful yesterday but didn't have time to go to docs. Nipped to pharmacist and she said to try co-codamol which I did with a cuprofen also and it didn't even touch the pain.

has been unbearable since. got a message from my boss at 630 this morning (which i didn't actually see until 755) asking me to go into work to help him. was going in at 815 anyway for a breakfast thing they were putting on so got in then but couldn't even have the breakfast with everyone as had to work for him.

then in court for 3 hours and had to go out halfway through for a few minutes as was in agony.

went to docs at lunch and got told its a flare up of my nerve pain and probably due to stress as also indicated by several ulcers in my mouth and my hair falling out again. now on tramadol and amitriptyline and have not gone back to work.

its weird how i've only just fully realised that these constant effects on my health are not worth the money law pays. for that trial last year i delayed having pre-cancerous cells lasered off as i had to go under anaesthetic (as i can't deal with needles etc) so id be fresh for the trial and no thanks or reward whatsoever.

i now cannot wait to finish and just regain my health and reclaim my life!!!

lulabelle

so we had dinner out with friends last night. didn't really want to go as was in such pain but had let the same people down weds night so decided to go. was £42 each and I had budgeted £50 so was ok though seems a lot for what we had. I think though that it has made me worse today.

Boy has gone to do supermarket shop as I am in pain and have taken my drugs so may fall asleep soon. He has a list so hoping he sticks to it!!! I have budgeted £40 (so an £80 shop) but really hoping it comes in under that and if he sticks to the list it should be well under that.

We were going to do some stuff together today but weather is pants and I am in pain so we might just read books/watch some tv. Boy is out with his mates tonight so I am going to have a bath, get a take away and watch "the affair" on box sets - fairly MSE.

I do love our little life together. Am scared though I may lose him as I have been hurt badly in the past as some of you know. Also, when we were at dinner last night there was this girl there who I recognise as one of his friends on FB. She is gorgeous and I mean gorgeous - perfect skin, hair, figure etc. Anyway, I don't know that much about his past girlfriends as he's never really been in a proper relationship at all (not because he's a player, he's the furthest from a player you could get - in fact he says he had no confidence with women before me as he never felt good enough whereas i constantly tell him how amazing he is) but I know that he was seeing someone for a while who had a kid who used to moan about how her ex treated her and then went back to her ex and it really upset him. He said he had "really fallen for her" (this was right at start of our relationship when we were talking about past experiences as you do - we've been together 11 months now). Anyway, know this girl has a kid and last night, boy walked past her and I was jus behind and she was kind of pointing at him to her mate and going "oh my god...." you know how girls do when they see someone they know/went out with previously.

I guess (and this sounds a bit "high school") I am worried that she might want him back and start making moves and he might be so blinded by how gorgeous she is that he might go for it. He isn't that kind of bloke but I have learnt over time that men are led by their !!!!s! I don't want to ask him about her though because I actually want to think that he never went out with her as she is very beautiful and that will make me feel even more insecure.

lulabelle

arrrggghhhh, the boy didn't stick to the list! but it wasn't too bad in the end, £72.13 so under budget by just under £4. He's out now and I was going to get a take out but I've lost my appetite which I think is down to the meds I'm on.

We have a pizza and sweet potato fries in the freezer if I do get hungry.

Not sure I'm going to be able to work monday - the pain is still pretty bad and on top, the meds knock me out - have spent most of today asleep.

I will prob have to go and get stronger meds or guess doc may increase the dose which will make me more sleepy. I also feel like I'm high as a kite most of the time but I guess that's because tramadol is an opiate.

Will feel bad if I don't go in next week but having said that, I think this is my body making it pretty clear it's had enough so I have to listen to it really.

Buffythedebtslayer

You are leaving, you don't owe them ANYTHING.

Take the time off. it doesn't matter.

You know this week I have maybe fractured my ankle? Went into work for two days - big mistake - foot was swollen and so painful. SO painful. In fairness my lovely line manager said thank you for coming in a lot of people wouldn't - but then the head looked at him and he stopped talking to me entirely!

Generally speaking Lula, the people who care about it are your FRIENDS and Family. Work people are just that.

XXXX

LondonGirl252

Hey Lulabelle,


No job or amount of money is worth risking your health for, stay at home please until you are ready to return to work. I think this break when you leave will do you the world of good!


Try not to worry about this girl, I am sure you are just as gorgeous and I am sure your boyfriend loves YOU, and I bet she was just pointing him out as an ex rather than deciding to make a move, if she knows he is taken then she would be beyond awful to do that!


Try and be confident in yourself that in itself is a very attractive thing and remember that he picked you to go out with and live with, he wouldn't have done that if he was planning to run off with someone else, especially as you say as he isn't that kind of guy


Rest up and hope you feel better soon x

lulabelle

thanks buffy - you are right of course, I guess I just feel like ultimately i'm letting the clients down.

That said, what is the point anyway, I killed myself last year with work and put off having pre-cancerous cells lasered off so could be fresh for a trial and all I've been faced with is criticism and complaints!

you're right, the only people who actually care are your family and friends.

so I've not gone in. Been asleep most of the morning due to meds. Been to docs for blood tests just now and going back in to see the doc tomorrow.

no doubt will get made to feel incredibly guilty when i go back to work but I am in no doubt that all the symptoms i have are down to stress.

sorry to hear about your ankle buffy - how is it now??

lulabelle

thanks LG - think we must've posted around the same time!

I am trying to rest up and not feel guilty. At the end of the day, I am suffering like I am and my whole weekend was spent in bed and thus ruined, because of that job. So really, they owe me.

The boy is making some sort of rick stein creation in the kitchen - smells amazing!

lulabelle

so, am still in oodles of pain and not going in today. going to docs at 11 - she may give me something stronger i guess.

am going to at least show willing and if i'm still crook tomorrow am going to have a set of the trial bundles delivered so i can at least read in at home. again, no-one else who has been signed off sick recently has bothered and in fact, have point blank refused to do anything to help but it doesn't sit right with me to leave people in the lurch even though i should be putting myself first for once.

i will save this week as no way i can go to my trainer - at least not tomorrow - so that's £30 saved though of course i'd rather it was under different circumstances.

suppose i may spend a little today on a further prescription but other than that, lunch and dinner from stores but could actually do with some sweets (I am honestly not 5!)

it's so boring being off though - only so much day time tv you can watch! at least when i'm off and well (taking my break) I can work out and go places

lulabelle

so, my doctor was sick so had to go to another one this afternoon.

he has tripled my dose of painkillers and signed me off until monday. i asked him if i could have work delivered home and he said no, I need to rest.

Work are going to go mental. They once said to me unless I'm dead they expect me to work. I don't know whether to have work delivered and try to do it or just rest.

Last year killed me and I got no recognition for it. Other people are off sick (1 has been off for 6 weeks) and don't do any work whilst off but I just feel guilty letting people down.

That said, it's the jobs fault I'm in this state in the first place - I told them in january/february this year I was struggling to cope with the stress and they agreed I could do a different practice area then went back on it so they can't now be surprised I'm suffering.

I also don't want to burn any bridges