Couple & money - advice?

Mojisola

losu wrote: »

I’ve been in a manipulative relationship before and this isn’t one

I think it could be but BF isn't actively manipulating but doing it passively.

He's not demanding you pay for X; he spends his own money so that you have to pay for X.

He doesn't do things so that you have to 'run after him' to make sure they get done.

He lets you get upset (tears, anger) and still carries on in his happy little way.

19lottie82

OK firstly I don't think you should be progressing your relationship further with this guy until he matures and sorts out his attitude (and actions),towards money.

I'm not sticking up for your boyfriend in the slightest, BUT 23 is still really young to be seriously considering marriage, especially for a guy. I'm not saying its unheard of, but he's still young (as are you). You both have your whole lives to live. And remember males are still a lot more generally immature than women at this age.

I wouldn't so be so keen to commit the rest of your life to someone who is barely out of their teens and is so financially irresponsible.

Oh and please don't get ANY joint financial accounts with this guy until he seriously bucks his ideas up.

pollypenny

I agree with all the good advice here. He is not ready for marriage at all.

You could try renting a place together, but ensuring that you are not paying for everything.

I think I'd be waving bye- bye to him.

SavingPennies_2

silvercar wrote: »

I find it strange that parents who fund their adult working children also charge them rent. Not saying it is right or wrong, just odd that they would on the one hand pay for his phone and loan studying money but on the other charge rent.

Ah but they aren't really charging him rent are they, 'cos OP says he doesn't pay and he owes months worth of rent, are his parents really going to make him pay? Doubt it.

jackieblack

Seanymph wrote: »

Financial incompatability will end a marriage sure as infidelity. It just takes longer.

This is so true, and one of the wisest things I've ever read in this forum

schwam66

i would seriously get rid of this guy......if not permanently i would move out for awhile and away from him to make him open his eyes...if he is this bad now what is he going to be like when you are married??? have a house?? worse when you have kids??? will he put himself first over what the kids need....seems like he will cuz he isnt putting you first which should be his top priority...

i would speak to his parents and voice your frustration to them, when he is not there and see what they say....then talk together(him and them with you) and go from there....i doubt this will do any good which is why i recommended taking a break....but give it a shot....

really hope everything works out, you clearly deserve someone so much better that wants to save for YOUR future TOGETHER, so i really hope you can work it out and be happy....all the best!

Seanymph

My ex had parents who did this - after bankruptcy and the failure of his first marriage they paid his deposit and rent, employed him - and then he moved in with me, in my house - and I bought a business and employed him.

I'd have spent six years saying he wasn't manipulative, one year avoiding the question - and now will say to anyone who will lesson he had a 'learned helplessness' that his parents taught him and I bought into.

He cloaked it well - with enthusiasm and blaming everyone else, and ignoring issues, and throwing tantrums and blaming me....

But ultimately they taught him real early on he didn't have to account for himself, or take on responsibility, they would always pick up the pieces, and he deserved supporting.

Your guy sounds, at his age, a lot like my ex.

Who now is 40, his parents have just given him another deposit for another house, and he still has nothing. A new girlfriend, no doubt one who is working her socks off, and paying their bills and mortgage and he's 'setting up a business'. Lovely. He does that a lot. It means you don't have to work very hard ('networking isn't working') - and when it fails it's not his fault at all.

I always thought as long as you had enough money didn't matter - but it does when there's only yours....

BigAunty

Ah, having a strong memory about a friend who fulfilled the criteria for 'learned helplessness'.

When I met her in her 20s, she was debt strewn and her family were bailing her out for council tax arrears, when we fell out in her 40s, her family were bailing her out for council tax arrears.

She had a middle class lifestyle on a minimum wage income with long stretches of unemployment and was skilled in coming out with sob stories which meant her friends and family around her would rally to pay her social expenses, fix up and furnish her flat, repair her PC and car, for example.

She dropped me when I challenged why I was subsidising her household expenses (after a sob story about prospective repossession of her flat) only to find out she took out a loan to pay for a long trip overseas.

The key thing to note is not necessarily her behaviour (scrounging, lazy, flattery to get things done, avoiding effort and expense) but the way she thought her priorities were right. She actually truly thought I was barmy to think she'd done anything wrong 'This trip was unmissable, you don't understand'. So truly, when I said 'why am I helping you out financially because you told me you would be homeless to find you have booked a trip overseas that I can't afford' I just received a shrug and wry smile.

And thinking back, despite earning more than her, I didn't have the latest iMac, long haul holidays, a car and constant trips out to the theatre and restaurants, but she did!

That's the mentality the OP may be on receiving end because their partner is cushioned against economic reality and have been pampered - they simply don't see any issues with anything they do. It's a mindset that never changes.

Seanymph

Oh yes! My ex went and put a deposit on a bicycle for £5000 and told ME i was mean when I said 'we' couldn't afford the balance.

He hadn't discussed it, or indeed told me he'd done it!

He went skiing every year - and when I (who owned the business) dropped his salary to a 'normal' amount, and then told him to go get a job and bring money INTO the family home, rather than my savings subsidising a business he drew an 'allowance' from without having to work very hard - he started seeing someone else behind my back.

I well remember counselling, where he was aggressively saying that he was unhappy because he 'wasn't allowed' a new four by four car.....

And then seeing the Counsellor some months after he'd gone and having her tell me that in 'over thirty years she'd never met another man who was so firmly fixed in the 'child' phase of his development'.

Shame she didn't say that to him!

barbiedoll

OP, your boyfriend is immature about money because he doesn't have to be otherwise.

My mum was a single parent and we were quite poor when I was growing up. When my brother was 12, he had a paper round. At 13 he was buying second-hand bikes, respraying them and then selling them on for a profit. At 15, he was doing the rounds with the local milkman (getting up at 3.30am at weekends!) and by the time he was 28, he had his own business worth well over £2million. He's now almost 40 and only works a couple of days a week because he wants something to do.

Your boyfriend is working for a living but he has never had to budget, nor has he ever had to "go without", so he has no experience of worrying about where his next penny is going to come from.

Maybe you should try speaking to one/both, of his parents? If they cannot see the damage that they are doing to him by their carefree attitude to his spending, perhaps you could point it out to them (nicely, obviously!)

And at 23, he is too young for marriage! (At 25...so are you. Go and live a bit first!!)