Couple & money - advice?

Dozey_crow

Seanymph wrote: »

Financial incompatability will end a marriage sure as infidelity. It just takes longer.

You need to get it sorted before the wedding or you are in for a lot of heartache.

I agree with this... Attitudes to money are a big thing particularly if in the future you face a crisis that requires you to pull together such as one of you losing your job for instance. We hope it doesn't happen but something like that displays stark differences.

I also think that differences are deeper than money.. It reflectss differences in personality and moral standards too. For example it seems from reading this that he has a sense of entitlement and you don't and that he had little respect or appreciation for his parents. I know that is a bit of a sweeping statement but hopefully you get what I mean .

PasturesNew wrote: »

Put the ideas of a wedding to the back of your head. Carry on doing what you're doing ..... saving your money for your future.

But don't take a step closer to being shackled to him as he's not mature enough to enter into a lifelong partnership as important as marriage.

He is what he is - young and having fun .... you have to wait for him to change, in his own time ..... or decide you're not prepared to put up with that and finish it.

Maybe you're pushing too fast/too soon .... maybe he'll never grow up. We, Internet strangers, can't tell you... but we can tell you that right now you're not singing from the same hymn sheet and you can't change people who aren't putting in the effort.

This is another good point.. My experience is that most men mature slower than women.. So this could be playing a part. Also it seems that he had been coddled by his parents and this won't help!

My advice would be not to hang around too long in the hope he will change..I know friends have done this and left it to late to do what they wanted to with their own lives . plus it sound like having to nag him turns you into someone you are not and you don't want that either.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

silvercar

I find it strange that parents who fund their adult working children also charge them rent. Not saying it is right or wrong, just odd that they would on the one hand pay for his phone and loan studying money but on the other charge rent.

thorsoak

losu wrote: »

My boyfriend comes from a fairly affluent family. His parents have always paid for everything and even now that he has his first proper job will still lend him quite large sums of money.
My family was not poor but not rich, so I worked student/summer jobs as soon as I was legally old enough and saved that money to fund my studies or for other non vital expense my parents would not cover.

I am 2 years older than my boyfriend and we are both working. I earn more money than him (£500/month more).


We also live with his parents as we both agreed it was the best way to save money for our wedding and a deposit on a property.


I am a saver and am meticulous with my budgeting and accounting.
I have direct debits to my in laws for the monthly rent and as well as to my savings accounts for our future, our holidays and tax.

My boyfriend is a spender and has no budgeting or planning whatsoever.
He simply checks his balance at the beginning of each month to see if his salary has been paid.
He borrowed some money from his parents when we first moved in to pay for a new phone and additional studies, even though he had a salary.


He refuses to set up direct debits and is not meticulous about paying his parents. This means after 10 months living with his parents he owed them most of the rent money as well as the money he had borrowed from them.
He also hasn’t budgeted and set up transfers to a separate account for his savings. This means he just leaves the money on his current account and dips into it when he feels like buying something.
This also means he doesn’t really know how much savings he has.

Problem is, we both agreed to save until February so that we could start planning our wedding – but he isn’t saving.

I’ve tried talking to him about it in different ways (calm discussion, tears, anger…) but he refuses to change his habits and is adamant that he will pay everything by cheque at the beginning of the next month.



He’s said this for the past 10 months and clearly doesn’t have enough self-discipline to write the cheque to his parents and saving accounts as soon as he gets his salary.
I end up being the bad guy for always talking about money and getting upset about it.

This really troubles me because:

• He is accumulating debt
• He relies on his parents even though he has an income
• He will not restrain his spending (even on unnecessary things) to save more
• He isn’t working for our future (wedding an beyond) and this makes me feel like I am not his priority
• He isn’t willing to change and his attitude towards money will not improve (even after marriage)
• I have to run after him every month for him to pay what he owes, but I end up being the bad guy while he still doesn’t pay what he owes
• In the mean while I work for our future, save and restrain my spending

Any suggestions on what I could do to improve the situation? It's really starting to anger me and I am starting to be resentful.

This situation is not going to improve until he faces up to his responsibilities - and that's not going to happen whilst you are both living with mummy and daddy.

My advice: walk away from the situation.

Mojisola

losu wrote: »

Problem is, we both agreed to save until February so that we could start planning our wedding – but he isn’t saving.

This really troubles me because:

• He is accumulating debt
• He relies on his parents even though he has an income
• He will not restrain his spending (even on unnecessary things) to save more
• He isn’t working for our future (wedding an beyond) and this makes me feel like I am not his priority
• He isn’t willing to change and his attitude towards money will not improve (even after marriage)
• I have to run after him every month for him to pay what he owes, but I end up being the bad guy while he still doesn’t pay what he owes
• In the mean while I work for our future, save and restrain my spending

Read that list - how serious is he about wanting to marry you?

Unless you are willing to spend years chasing after him, getting more and more resentful, get out now.

If the thought of losing you doesn't make him re-evaluate his behaviour and cause major changes, you will have had a lucky escape.

If he does say he will change, wait and see evidence of a sustained alteration before you believe it.

CH27

If he was serious about marrying you he would change his ways.
You are very lucky in finding out exactly what he is like before getting married & financially linked.
If you stay with him you will have this forever more.

fabforty

Keep on saving, make sure it's in your account as opposed to a joint one, so that when the time comes, you are able to go it alone. He sounds incredibly immature and selfish- you might have to decide if you really see a future with someone like this.

losu

Waowzer, thanks everybody I didn’t expect so many replies.
Thanks all for taking the time to read and reply.

I probably should have mentioned this: we’ve been together for 4 years I am 25 and he is 23.
I am more mature than many of my friends as I was forced to put on my big girl pants from the moment my parents divorced when I was 5.

There are many points which I had already thought about and agree with:

You have learnt to stand on your own two feet, but he clearly hasn't.

Put the ideas of a wedding to the back of your head. Carry on doing what you're doing ..... saving your money for your future.

But don't take a step closer to being shackled to him as he's not mature enough to enter into a lifelong partnership as important as marriage.

He is what he is - young and having fun .... you have to wait for him to change, in his own time ..... or decide you're not prepared to put up with that and finish it.

Maybe you're pushing too fast/too soon .... maybe he'll never grow up.

You're dating a child. Moving in with his parents might have been good to save money, but it's allowed him to keep on living like a spoilt teenager and not grow-up.

This situation is not going to improve until he faces up to his responsibilities - and that's not going to happen whilst you are both living with mummy and daddy.

If he does say he will change, wait and see evidence of a sustained alteration before you believe it.

However, I know he isn’t manipulative and leaching off me.

Sadly, some of them are very controlling with a minority who are completely abusive and manipulative as they seek to protect their meal ticket, the personal services they get - cleaning, cooking, child minding, sucking their bank accounts dry.

I’ve been in a manipulative relationship before and this isn’t one (at least for now) and he has a job in a very good field with potentially very high money once he has experience. But I am not blind, more money doesn't mean he will change.

I guess his parents are a bad influence and he simply hasn’t grown up and learnt to stand on his feet.

I must say he has made a lot of effort in the past 4 years but this is the outstanding big issue. I know money problems lead to divorce and will not marry him before he changes.

As you have all said, does he really want to marry me in the first place?

I guess I will talk to him, explain how serious I am , give him time to change and if he doesn’t then I’m out.

Thanks all for your advice

FBaby

I've been there and trust me, no matter what a fantastic partner he is in every other way, if he can't sort out this issue, it will drain you in the end, just as Seanymph said.

This is what happened to me with the father of my children. He had much going for himself, but he just couldn't manage his money. However much I tried to be supporting, it did very much felt like he was having an affair. The lies, the promise, the trust that goes, then the respect, the resentment and finally nothing left to save.

I am now married to a man who is the exact opposite. I can't describe what a relief it is to share your life with a person you can trust when it comes to money (and the rest of course).

You deserve better than someone who either can see why he needs to manage his money, nor is prepared to make an effort for you. You need to start making it clear to him that this is crucial to your relationship.

ska_lover

Your boyfriend is still immature, that's the bottom line. Also sounds that his parents are more than happy to fund him - which doesn't help your cause

You have been trying to talk sense into him for the last 10 months, and it is clear he isn't taking any notice...IMO you are wasting your breath

If you carry on as you are - his financial dependance will eventually transfer on to you too - and you will end up funding him. This is not a healthy balanced relationship

BigAunty

His parents are a bad influence? At that age, they should have no real hold over him - that's your job. Don't put his defensiveness to discussing issues or failure to achieve promises on the parents. Put it on him. There is no excuse, he is directly responsible.