Couple & money - advice?

losu

My boyfriend comes from a fairly affluent family. His parents have always paid for everything and even now that he has his first proper job will still lend him quite large sums of money.
My family was not poor but not rich, so I worked student/summer jobs as soon as I was legally old enough and saved that money to fund my studies or for other non vital expense my parents would not cover.

I am 2 years older than my boyfriend and we are both working. I earn more money than him (£500/month more).


We also live with his parents as we both agreed it was the best way to save money for our wedding and a deposit on a property.


I am a saver and am meticulous with my budgeting and accounting.
I have direct debits to my in laws for the monthly rent and as well as to my savings accounts for our future, our holidays and tax.

My boyfriend is a spender and has no budgeting or planning whatsoever.
He simply checks his balance at the beginning of each month to see if his salary has been paid.
He borrowed some money from his parents when we first moved in to pay for a new phone and additional studies, even though he had a salary.


He refuses to set up direct debits and is not meticulous about paying his parents. This means after 10 months living with his parents he owed them most of the rent money as well as the money he had borrowed from them.
He also hasn’t budgeted and set up transfers to a separate account for his savings. This means he just leaves the money on his current account and dips into it when he feels like buying something.
This also means he doesn’t really know how much savings he has.

Problem is, we both agreed to save until February so that we could start planning our wedding – but he isn’t saving.

I’ve tried talking to him about it in different ways (calm discussion, tears, anger…) but he refuses to change his habits and is adamant that he will pay everything by cheque at the beginning of the next month.



He’s said this for the past 10 months and clearly doesn’t have enough self-discipline to write the cheque to his parents and saving accounts as soon as he gets his salary.
I end up being the bad guy for always talking about money and getting upset about it.

This really troubles me because:

• He is accumulating debt
• He relies on his parents even though he has an income
• He will not restrain his spending (even on unnecessary things) to save more
• He isn’t working for our future (wedding an beyond) and this makes me feel like I am not his priority
• He isn’t willing to change and his attitude towards money will not improve (even after marriage)
• I have to run after him every month for him to pay what he owes, but I end up being the bad guy while he still doesn’t pay what he owes
• In the mean while I work for our future, save and restrain my spending

Any suggestions on what I could do to improve the situation? It's really starting to anger me and I am starting to be resentful.

Indie_Kid

You seriously need to talk to him about how you feel. And stop bailing him out when he doesn't have enough money. That's the only way he's going to learn.

ManofLeisure_2

OP, your OH sounds extremely immature and I'm not surprised you are frustrated with the situation. You have learnt to stand on your own two feet, but he clearly hasn't. I think it's time to lay your cards on the table and tell him that unless you are both singing from the same hymn sheet, the relationship isn't going to work.

sharp910sh

So when you say he borrows money from his parents, is it a gift? ir just free money?

silvercar

Are you both paying rent money separately to his parents? As you are a couple would it be easier to have joint finances and for you to manage them?

If his parents are still funding him then maybe they don't really expect the rent from him.

Seanymph

Financial incompatability will end a marriage sure as infidelity. It just takes longer.

You need to get it sorted before the wedding or you are in for a lot of heartache.

pinkshoes

If he can't be bothered to save, then I guess he's not taking your relationship very seriously.

How old are you both?

I would suggest you blow your savings on a 12 month trip round he world whilst he stays behind and learns how to cut the apron strings and grow up!

PasturesNew

Put the ideas of a wedding to the back of your head. Carry on doing what you're doing ..... saving your money for your future.

But don't take a step closer to being shackled to him as he's not mature enough to enter into a lifelong partnership as important as marriage.

He is what he is - young and having fun .... you have to wait for him to change, in his own time ..... or decide you're not prepared to put up with that and finish it.

Maybe you're pushing too fast/too soon .... maybe he'll never grow up. We, Internet strangers, can't tell you... but we can tell you that right now you're not singing from the same hymn sheet and you can't change people who aren't putting in the effort.

BigAunty

There are new threads on this forum (and the debt free wanabee board) virtually every week for women at the end of their tether (usually with long term partners and sometimes with children) who ends up with a lazy spoiled man-child.

I do hope someone posts a link to a couple of sample threads for you.

As they are now more mature or are approaching middle age, they rue the day that they stuck with their partners for so long as they've ended up with someone in debt, who prioritises their own interests and social life, who help little around the house, are often non- or under employed, who routinely leach off their partner and who are completely resistent to any change.

Sadly, some of them are very controlling with a minority who are completely abusive and manipulative as they seek to protect their meal ticket, the personal services they get - cleaning, cooking, child minding, sucking their bank accounts dry.

Even the non-abusive ones, the ones who don't try to emotionally or physically intimidate to dominate their partner, intentionally avoid any discussions on the unfairness or it and won't change. They are often verbally aggressive and defensive about talking about relationship issues.

They are adamant that their way of living is the only way of living, have a deep sense of entitlement and are certain that they have the right to live this privileged life, cushioned from reality.

Do you want this man to father your children and then ignore their needs?

Whose idea was it to move into the in-laws? He should be cutting his apron strings but clearly, he's accustomed to exploiting a good thing.

You just see this as an issue primarily around money and plans for a wedding and property. What you've actually got is a terrible relationship, one devoid of respect and showing all the signs of being an unequal one at your expense, emotionally and financially.

His attitude and behaviour will never change and you are clearly not matched - he may make token promises about changing - but only as a last resort when he realises you are being serious and there will be consequences for him if you end the relationship.

You are in the first warm flush of a new relationship with a serious commitment to it and he's not remotely on board. What is he going to be like a few years down the line when you hit big issues if he can't even modify his behaviour now to honour plans that you have jointly made?

Seanymph

BigAunty next time one of my daughters needs a mummy talk can I send them your way? You are awesome!

See he leeches off his parents, who have taught him he is entitled, the sun goes out when he sits down, and he's more important than them financially and they will prop him up.

He appears to be expecting the same from you.... it won't be pretty.

VestanPance

You're dating a child. Moving in with his parents might have been good to save money, but it's allowed him to keep on living like a spoilt teenager and not grow-up.