Saying goodbye to a friend

top_drawer_2

Hello

I'm kind of thinking aloud here. And possibly worrying far too much.

A few years back I joined a book group and this evolved and developed and I made a few acquaintances and a couple of friends. One in particular has seen me through some really dreadful times in the past 18 months and now much of it seems to be over I sense that she is becoming more distant i.e declining invitations to do things and not suggesting an alternative / not asking after things I've mentioned I'm doing although I have continued to ask after her. Anyway this past week I've received some text messages saying she has a new job in a nearby city. I've asked after where / when she will be starting / will she move closer / what accommodation and although she has been replying and chatting etc she has ignored my questions as to where the job is or what accommodation she has in mind.

I think she's "moving on" and isn't intending to include me in her new life. I understand we all move on and I guess I'm sad that things couldn't stay as good as they were, I lived for the book group for awhile as we had real adult discussion about topics raised in the books and the books we read were gritty i.e The God Delusion / Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, not the typical books of book groups.

I do feel quite lonesome often, I've had to move back into my parents to the small town that I grew up in and there is definitely a difference in outlook / ambition / attitude to life here - lol I'm considered "odd" for being 31 and having no children!

Anyway, what I'm thinking to do is write her a little Thank you for being my friend. I'm a little worried I guess its all over the top. Plus I feel like I am the ONLY person in this situation and would like some strategies to move forward. I am hoping to teach abroad in the coming year (appl's in and progressing!) but I do feel sad that I have very few friends (work "friends" tend to fall by the way-side) who I would be leaving behind. Also I might not get offered anything, then I'm stuck here until January at least.

Thanks - please be nice. My parents are a negative blackhole in terms of advice on anything and I don't know anyone who would be able to offer me anything useful.

Artytarty

Aw, well it sounds to me like you have read the situation correctly.
Instead of a thank you card , I think maybe a good luck card and by the way thanks might be less...clingy?
My daughter is a bit younger than you and is also in a book club. They have read the titles you mentioned!Madame Bovary is the latest.
Could you advertise in Gumtree for like minded local people to form a new grou?

Artytarty

Also, your friend might just be one of those people who like to be needed and now that you are over the worst of whatever it was, she does not feel so vital to you.
That's not a criticism of you, some folk just love a person project.you maybe filled a role for her for a while.

top_drawer_2

You're right. I'm hoping not to come over as clingy, I think that is likely where I have gone wrong in the past. I've never had much luck with Gumtree; got an email from someone in response to mine requesting accommodation, he included an email of himself NAKED!

It seems to be the people round here are just ... like that!
Difficult to explain but I think I need a big city to meet more like-minded people who want to do stuff / don't expect everything to include their children etc.

I love a bit of genuine debate / discussion, its very difficult to find though.

ska_lover

Oh god please don't write a thank you for being my friend note.

I don't see your problem to be honest, you are planning to move and work abroad very soon anyway - your lives are moving in different directions is all - no drama needed

whitewing

Yes, I think Good Luck is more appropriate. She may just need a break from everything current to help her cope with the decision of moving.

ETA: Do you still have the photo, lol?

Artytarty

Ska lover is right and put it much more succinctly than I could.
I thought from the title of your thread that you had a friend who was dying!

top_drawer_2

whitewing wrote: »

Yes, I think Good Luck is more appropriate. She may just need a break from everything current to help her cope with the decision of moving.

ETA: Do you still have the photo, lol?

Yeay I think I was think of it more from my point of view than her's.

It will be forever embossed on my memory!

PasturesNew

top_drawer wrote: »

I'm a little worried I guess its all over the top.

It is. Just let it go, let it slide.

Don't do anything "awkward" that'd make it tricky if your paths crossed again.

skattykatty

you sound quite self aware.

good luck card-yes
thank you for being my friend-no

doing things that you are passionate and interested in will attract like-minded people. it sounds like you are on track for doing this.

a similar thing happened when a friend of mine moved abroad with her partner. she emailed with no real personal information, never giving me her contact details, despite me asking several times. i finally took it as a no. (she must have been wondering when the penny would finally drop) i think i last emailed her to say hope all is well and good luck. sad on the one hand (only after passing through anger, shame, self-criticism!!!) but made room for other people and other experiences on the other..

top_drawer_2

skattykatty wrote: »

you sound quite self aware.

good luck card-yes
thank you for being my friend-no

doing things that you are passionate and interested in will attract like-minded people. it sounds like you are on track for doing this.

a similar thing happened when a friend of mine moved abroad with her partner. she emailed with no real personal information, never giving me her contact details, despite me asking several times. i finally took it as a no. (she must have been wondering when the penny would finally drop) i think i last emailed her to say hope all is well and good luck. sad on the one hand (only after passing through anger, shame, self-criticism!!!) but made room for other people and other experiences on the other..

Thank you. I'm glad someone else has had a similar thing happen to them - and didn't feel the need to say they have 1000 other friends and I'm a a bit sad that I don't. I have wondered what I have done wrong - am I not exciting enough etc? But I think like with the book group, things change and I'm hanging onto the history of the group as opposed to enjoying it now. It winds me up something rotten that a bunch of well heeled retiree / w.i / catholic churchy types can alter a group to become so conservative and judging. But hey ho! I predict the infighting will begin soon enough!