Why won't he say no?

ajaxgeezer

SavinForNewYork wrote: »

ajaxgeezer - what do you do when the washing machine breaks down for example, do you just go halfs with the bill?

.... yes, exactly that. The reality is that I'd pay it and she'd give me half back when she got paid. We both like to be financially independant because we find it cuts out any possibility of tension as we are hugely differently thinking financially. We just bung £500 each in a joint account that we have and the bills get paid out of that. When we do a shop, I'll pay it and she transfers half of the amount to me.

Ems*Honie

Whilst I agree that the overdraft/credit card thing is bad, one thing jumped out at me in your post.

The two events he has coming up are one off preplanned things, it's not something he does every month, he can never do the stag do again and the trip is only yearly. I really do appriciate that you have worked hard to clear debts and you are concerned about money, but surely you could allow him a little freedom/extra budget for these bits?

I admire that you can live on your budget, and I'm in awe at your ability to stick to it!! A partnership, imho, is a give and take thing, if you stopped him going to these events is it going to cause resentment?

I fully agree that on a month to month basis he should be respecting the budget, maybe he 'should' have saved for this month, maybe he just isn't as good as you with the responsibility of money. If a relasionship is to work you have to accept each others faults, unless you really are happy to move to your mums? I really think this is about more than just money.

Good lucj getting sorted with it, I hope your headache passes quickly !! xx

ceridwen

Sure makes me glad I am single! Certainly struck me t'other day when reading another thread - the one about how people got in debt in 1st place - just how many people pick up the "financial" pieces for other people. Also that it seems to usually be women helping men out - not very often vice-versa. Funny that - as statistics indicate that average woman still earns less than average man!

Its always been my plan that if I was partnered-up - that we would have my account, his account and OUR account (and we would both put in half each into OUR account for joint expenses only) - if he then "blew" the money in his account, then it wouldnt affect me - as he would have paid his share of joint expenses. On reading stuff on MSE - I am becoming steadily more convinced that that is the way to go.

Kantankrus_Mare

ceridwen wrote: »

Sure makes me glad I am single! Certainly struck me t'other day when reading another thread - the one about how people got in debt in 1st place - just how many people pick up the "financial" pieces for other people. Also that it seems to usually be women helping men out - not very often vice-versa. Funny that - as statistics indicate that average woman still earns less than average man!

Its always been my plan that if I was partnered-up - that we would have my account, his account and OUR account (and we would both put in half each into OUR account for joint expenses only) - if he then "blew" the money in his account, then it wouldnt affect me - as he would have paid his share of joint expenses. On reading stuff on MSE - I am becoming steadily more convinced that that is the way to go.

I wish we had gone down this route years ago as me and OH also have differing ideas where money is concerned. Im a saver and always looking at ways to cut back or save money for long term benefit, while he is a more of a live for today kind of person.

Having a joint account and only allowing each other £100 per month for personal use (covers clothing) leaves me taking one step forward and two steps back though he is not as bad as he used to be.

I suggested seperate accounts one time with a joint account for household expenses but he thought that we should put the same amount in each and with what he would have left, he would be loaded. :rotfl: As I only earn half what he earns this is obviously not a fair way of splitting things.

So we left it and now things are just as they always have been.

1sttimer_2

Not sure if this is really relevant but when OH and I got married (30 years ago) we got a joint account for the bills etc. and kept our own accounts for whatever we wanted. Over the years and after children, both our savings were put into the melting pot. He has always been a better earner/saver than me and he is very OS and hardly spends any money at all. EG. if he does the shopping it usually consists of whoopsies that we don't really need LOL!

Whilst children were young it was me who did the budgeting but we were always very careful with money and saved for something before we bought it. We only ever had one item on the never never, beside the mortgage, and that was for his first ever brand new car (15 years ago!) and paid that off asap.

Nowadays we have more money available as I now work ft but we still don't spend much at all. He has his sport nights and equipment and I have my church and girls nights out. We don't have issues of who is spending what. When the cc bills come in we just look at it and if it's over £500 (3 of us) then we cut back for the next month. This is for everything - food,petrol etc. We've always been able to have decent holidays and if we need anything suddenly (eg new washing machine) I am able to get one straight away. Both children are good at budgeting too.

ajaxgeezer

ceridwen wrote: »

Sure makes me glad I am single! Certainly struck me t'other day when reading another thread - the one about how people got in debt in 1st place - just how many people pick up the "financial" pieces for other people. Also that it seems to usually be women helping men out - not very often vice-versa. Funny that - as statistics indicate that average woman still earns less than average man!

Its always been my plan that if I was partnered-up - that we would have my account, his account and OUR account (and we would both put in half each into OUR account for joint expenses only) - if he then "blew" the money in his account, then it wouldnt affect me - as he would have paid his share of joint expenses. On reading stuff on MSE - I am becoming steadily more convinced that that is the way to go.

... yep, this is exactly what me and my wife do, a current account for bills/mortgage and pay equally into that on pay day. It got a bit complicated just before we got married - I had a regular saver and associated current account in her name, thinking she'd leave it alone as it was my money. Nope, she went and spent it, and then compounded the problem by withdrawing the money on her credit card to pay some of it back. Of course, then I had to get her sorted with the longest 0% transfer I could find :rolleyes: . Rather than being a problem though, this re-iterated that the way we did our finances (how we've both described on here) was the way to go - it only failed to work when we crossed that strict boundary.

Also, I do understand that you did say it's usually women helping higher-earning men out but in this case it's different... her basic wage is 9k higher than mine. Maybe that is the real way to measure the problem? Rather than gender, it may be a case of the lower earners (and that has traditionally been women) respect the value of money more, so recognise the warning signs earlier?

SavinForNewYork

Good Morning!

Well I had a chat with OH last night, and he says he has realised he hasn't been managing his money properly and has promised to sort it out - reckons he is going to do a load of overtime to make back the money he will spend at this stag do etc.

I was slowly starting to come round last night, and thought maybe I could pay off his cc and his overdraft once all these events are over with, get him to reduce his overdraft down to about £50 and start a fresh. I would then make damn sure he pays back every penny to me - I only thought I would do this to avoid him having to pay interest and I thought this way I would know he is actually paying it back.

However, woke up this morning and just thought if for example something else came a long... e.g Liverpool are in the FA Cup Final... I know he would just go regardless of how much it is going to cost - which is kind of my whole point.

So I don't know! Left it last night that I was really unhappy with his whole attitude and that we both really needed to decide what we want out of life and whether we can spend the rest of our lives together with such different attitudes.

ajaxgeezer

The FA Cup Final is in May, the Carling Cup is in March so that's quite some way off.

[Deleted User]

benbenandme wrote: »

and has even had the cheek to ask me to lend him some money once ("You're bound to have some money put away, you always did";) ). I quickly pointed out that I am a single mother with a mortgage and a household income of less than 12k while they have an income of 60k and no outgoings!! He's never asked since .... and to top it all off ... hes a bank manager!!!!:rotfl: :rotfl:

That's unbelievable..........god help his customers if they want some savings advice!!

ajaxgeezer

Hi,
Sorry but I just read this again. How did you get from this....

SavinForNewYork wrote: »

Good Morning!

Well I had a chat with OH last night, and he says he has realised he hasn't been managing his money properly and has promised to sort it out - reckons he is going to do a load of overtime to make back the money he will spend at this stag do etc.

.... to this?

SavinForNewYork wrote: »

So I don't know! Left it last night that I was really unhappy with his whole attitude and that we both really needed to decide what we want out of life and whether we can spend the rest of our lives together with such different attitudes.

.... Was something else said after he had his mini-lightbulb moment? From what you said, it appears you went to bed happy, woke up realising that Liverpool are quite good these days, and then got unhappy again. Unless more has happened, all poor olf bf has done is sleep, he can't be blamed for you being 'newly' unhappy?