Why won't he say no?

ktb

SavinForNewYork wrote: »

The more I type on this thread, the more I am convincing myself he doesn't care about me

I have to say when I started reading this thread my 1st reaction was that it wasnt really about money at all - I definitely think there are some emotional issues here. I think that you are actually annoyed, not that he is off out and about (whatever the cost), but more that he isn't staying in with you. And I personally would feel exactly the same...

If the person you are spending your life with doesnt support you in something that you think is fundamental you really have to think LONG and hard about your priorities - otherwise you are going to drive yourself crazy & to dispair.

You might have to accept you cant change him - can you live with that... happily... and for the rest of your life?

System

Anyways, the obvious problem here is that he has to propose first.... his excuse for not proprosing is because he has no way of getting the money... but yet he can go away for three nights with his mates and p*** a load of money up the wall without a second thought.

Probably the marriage issue is a seperate issue. When I first met my husband he within weeks was begging me to marry him. I had just come out of one heavy duty relationship and was in no rush to get into another. He would write me letters, little notes and kept on asking me to marry him. Then I got pregnant and all of a sudden, the marriage wasnt such an urgency to him. I miscarried at 12 weeks and he started mithering me to marry him again. I think all he wanted from me was the commitment that marriage and children would give him. He was satisfied that I was going to be 'his' as I was carrying his child but once the child had gone, he needed the commitment of marriage again. Stands a chance that your man feels that he doesnt need the 'marriage' thing either. You are commited, you have a house maybe he doesnt think marriage is important at this moment in time. Its up to you to convince him that its important to you.

Clive_Woody

To give a bit of a male perspective, a stag do is a big deal and to try and pressure him into not going may cause him to dig his heals in further, he wants to celebrate with his mate who is getting married, not going would be a biggie. Also his annual golfing trip is probably very important to him.

I would say let him go, but once he comes back get him to be honest with how much debt he has run up on these two events. Try and encourage him to put away maybe £20 a month (do it at the start of the month) to cover trips like this. When he comes round to the next trip and has a nice stash to spend he may see the sense of saving.

Leaving debt sat on a credit card is crazy, the interest rates alone should be enough to put him off. Do a rough calculation how much he pays Barclaycard (or whomever he uses), and work out how many pints he is giving away every year.

Maybe consider encouraging him to live off a weekly budget rather than getting the whole £300 in one go, that way he might have a bit left over at the end of the month.

Threatening to leave him is extreem, and I would only advise you do this if you really mean to follow it through, otherwise when you back down he will see it as a victory. Only make threats/ultimatums if you really will do what you say.

tranquil_2

Just an idea.

You mentioned that your wages go into a joint account before being transferred into your separate accounts. Would it be possible to deduct your DP's credit card bill from his £400 before it goes into his account? That way he gets to go on holiday with his mates and you'll know that it will be paid off.

If he's going to be going over the £400 for this, then perhaps just transfer £200 next month (£200 off the credit card), then £200 the next month, until it's paid off.

Of course for this to work, you will have to cancel his credit card and overdraft and let him work in cash. However whenever I'm really skint, I find that working in cash really helps to cut back (real money rather than pretend like credit cards :rotfl:).

Hope this makes sense
x

Errata

OP - he may not have had his lightbulb moment yet, but I think this

his excuse for not proprosing is because he has no way of getting the money... but yet he can go away for three nights with his mates and p*** a load of money up the wall without a second thought.

should be yours.

Bargain_Rzl

Kimberley wrote: »

Reading stuff like this makes me even more determined to stay an independant women

:T :T :T :T :T

I am currently involved in a protracted "discussion" :rolleyes: with my XBF who's trying to make me feel like a self-centred b*tch due to the fact that one of the main reasons we didn't work out was that I was unwilling to give up my independence!

Even though he's much richer than me...

Kantankrus_Mare

Well I certainly wouldn't pool the money. :eek:

His debt would then become both of your debts and you would feel even less in control and more angry.

Let him keep mounting his debts up and one day he will realise the stupidity of his actions and HE will have to go without to put hisself straight whilst you are still plodding along nicely keeping within your budget.:D

paddy's_mum

If it isn't already owned as tenants in common (as opposed to joint tenants) I would be making very sure that your home could never be put at risk because of his lacksadaisical ways with money. You might be well advised to seek legal advice on the matter.

It is not unloving or non-trusting to want to protect yourself from the short-sightedness of your other half. You probably would never come into contact with horrendous viruses would you, but I bet your Mum had you 'done' against polio and smallpox. Same theory, different scenario. Good luck.

SavinForNewYork

Just got home from work now... I am not cooking any dinner as I have gone on strike until further notice! :rotfl:

Paddy's mum - I will definitely look into that asap.

I think I am just going to try and have a 'calm' chat with him tonight and explain myself completely (again)... I know this won't make any difference but i think its something I have to do.

Just spoken to my mum and she has said I can move back home if I need too. Obviously i don't want to move out of my flat, we both worked hard for it and i'm really happy here. I just don't think i can continue living like this anymore, but i will definitely think about it a lot more before I make any decisions.

Meanwhile I am going to bed because I feel very sick and have had a bad headache. I'll post later with an update. Thanks again for everyone's posts, they have made me realise lots of things and its also nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing these problems.

regularsaver1

I wouldn;t increase your monthly allowance - thats £600 between you - even £25 each (£50) could be overpaid on mortgage savings you even more, because you had a 100% mortgage

or put the money into a savings account for rainy day eg, when the washing machine breaks down