Why won't he say no?

full-time-mum

SavinForNewYork wrote: »

I have just been sat here thinking maybe we should increase our monthly 'allowance' or just pool all the money together.

Good god no don't increase the allowance, he will only squander even more and if you pool your money, you are going to be even more resentful as you save so he can spend it.

I assume that the credit cards and overdraft are in his name only - if they aren't then get them that way PDQ (and make sure that he can't touch your savings).

What about shock tactics? You say you don't want to leave him but what if you made some threats. Maybe get the house valued and tell him your finding out where you stand if you couldn't stand the situation any more? Then maybe suggest counselling - you don't need to be on the verge of splitting up to go to places like relate and having someone independant to referee might help you express how you feel.

I assume from you username that you are saving for a big holiday - how about having a separate account EACH for this then you can show that you've saved your half and now he is holding you up - perhaps you could hint about going with someone else once you've reached your half

SavinForNewYork wrote: »

I was slowly starting to come round last night, and thought maybe I could pay off his cc and his overdraft once all these events are over with, get him to reduce his overdraft down to about £50 and start a fresh. I would then make damn sure he pays back every penny to me - I only thought I would do this to avoid him having to pay interest and I thought this way I would know he is actually paying it back.

Whatever you do, don't bail him out or he'll never learn. Support him with his moneysaving efforts, help him budget, show him this site and teach him to manage his debt - treat him to the odd night out if he is doing really well if you like. If you pay his bills, then you are likely to just find yourself in exactly the same position in 6-12 months time - you've only got to read some of the DFW threads to see this happening time and time again. I think it would be better for him to do it this way even if it does cost you as a couple a few extra pounds in extra interest. I suspect that he would have every good intention of paying you back but you can just hear his mind saying "Well, its only the gf I owe, she won't mind waiting another month"

January20

SavinForNewYork wrote: »

Good Morning!


I was slowly starting to come round last night, and thought maybe I could pay off his cc and his overdraft once all these events are over with, get him to reduce his overdraft down to about £50 and start a fresh. I would then make damn sure he pays back every penny to me - I only thought I would do this to avoid him having to pay interest and I thought this way I would know he is actually paying it back.

However, woke up this morning and just thought if for example something else came a long... e.g Liverpool are in the FA Cup Final... I know he would just go regardless of how much it is going to cost - which is kind of my whole point.

So I don't know! Left it last night that I was really unhappy with his whole attitude and that we both really needed to decide what we want out of life and whether we can spend the rest of our lives together with such different attitudes.

But why do you want to pay his debts? I know you are in a relationship, but what are you teaching him? He gets into debts and you pay it off for him? How can you make sure that you will get the money back? It will be much easier for him to resist paying you than official creditors.

It's his responsibility and perhaps he needs the short sharp shock of you not bailing him out to change his behaviour towards his spending. Didn't you say in your original post that you had cleared his overdraft?

[Deleted User]

My husband owes our joint account about £100, since February. Its because he's got to go into town and withdraw it from his personal book account that it gets delayed. he forgets or something else happens so he can't go out at lunch, often he works through. The bank doesn't have a branch in our town so he can't get it on a weekend.

I have asked and asked, reminded and nagged and i am still waiting. He just forgets to do it. If it was someone else I am sure he wouldn't have kept them waiting for so long, but its only "The Wife"!!!

I feel like I am his personal life organiser at times, I even have to say in the mornings half an hour after the alarm has gone off, "Are we getting up then?" I don't think he realises that having a baby things take longer and trying to keep our son in a routine means not letting his feeds back up close to each other. Its because its not his responsibility during the day that he doesn't think about it in the morning. It seems to be my job to organise my husband out of the door and get the lad fed and dressed. He does help out but I have to instigate and watch the clock and stop him getting distracted.

Its a man thing - he certainly can't multi-task.

SavinForNewYork

Ok paying off his cc and overdraft was a temporary moment of madness! I won't be doing this - if he really wants to sort himself out, then he will pay it off without my help. I will just offer my advice etc.

The only reason his overdraft was paid off last time was because we were putting £100 a month towards paying off our overdrafts, but meanwhile had a load of money sat in our savings account. So we decided we would use our savings to pay of this debt (from university) then we would have an extra £100 each month.

pollyanna24

Hmm, I think it is a toughie when you have differing views on money.

Like I said, we put £100 for our personal savings which we would use for things like this.

But everyone needs to have a life and not feel like they are just working to pay the mortgage and bills. So, so what if he wants to go to the FA Cup Final? As long as there aren't too many FA Cup Finals in the year (I know there is only one, but I think you get my drift).

I have various accounts for my non-monthly bills, and although I haven't done it yet, I'm thinking of having an account for entertainment, where we can do stuff, so we don't laden down with the drudgery of just work. If he uses his on stuff that doesn't involve me, I can use mine to go to a spa or something (or more likely, put it in my own personal savings ).

Of course, this will all change when we have kids, as things simply have to.

going2die_rich

Get shot of him. He obviously isn't capable of managing himself, even with your help. If he can't do it now, how will he ever do it. No point in being with someone who will sooner or later drag you into debt with himself.

SavinForNewYork

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I'm thinking of having an account for entertainment, where we can do stuff, so we don't laden down with the drudgery of just work.

I like this idea - It is very rare that we would go out for a meal together because we never have any money left to do this. Maybe if I set aside a small budget for entertainment, then we could use this instead.

pollyanna24

Wahey! I've been useful. The comment above about getting rid does not help (unless there other issues in your relationship of course), because if you split up over money, it's a pathetic reason to split up.

Some people are savers and some are spenders, but so what? We can't all be the same. I love my bf regardless and if I'm better with money, then I'll deal with it. It's just the way it is. Leaves us to concentrate on the more important things in life.

But yes, we always seem to have no money for us to do things together, and soon I will put aside say, £50 a month for a nice dinner for us to go out on a Friday night by ourselves or go cinema or anything. If we don't spend it all one month, it can roll over to the next month. It's not about work and savings and mortgages and having loads of money in the bank. You can't take it with you, so enjoy life while you can!

melancholly

SavinForNewYork wrote: »

I like this idea - It is very rare that we would go out for a meal together because we never have any money left to do this. Maybe if I set aside a small budget for entertainment, then we could use this instead.

just be careful that he doesn't blow the entire account when he has a weekend to go away too! if both of you put in, then you both have the benefit.

i'm all for him going on holiday and going to a stag weekend (2 weekends of peace for you too!) - but he has to put some money away to cover it. even if it just means being frugal for the month before to cover half.

i wouldn't pay for him - why should you? these activities are for him and not you - does he subsidise your clothes shopping? if you want a serious future together, something needs to give - whether that be you not counting every penny or him showing some financial maturity!

i'm all for planning - i don't live off nothing, but i live entirely within my means and put money away. with such a large mortgage, i'd be ploughing everything i could into it to save paying so much in interest..... but that's me. i still go out for dinner - usually using tesco clubcard vouchers, have holidays - either with money from a regular saver or this year, more clubcard vouchers, and go out, but i know how much i have to spend......

does he really realise the main issue here (i.e. both of you aren't pulling in the same direction)? it's not about money (well it is, but YKWIM), it's about wanting the same things. it sounds like he doesn't quite understand - it's very easy to get bogged down in details rather than dealing with the main issue.

i hope it works out - you both are going to need to compromise, but on a practical level, i think he's the one who needs to compromise more