Why won't he say no?

SavinForNewYork

Hello,

I am in need of some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years now, 18 months ago we took out a 100% mortgage of £105k and bought our first flat together. We both earn £20k a year so can afford to pay the bills and still have cash at the end of the month.

Since discovering this website I have spent many hours trying to find ways to cut back on our outgoings so that we have more spare cash to go away on holiday, decorate our flat or even 'just in case' the car broke down or something. We have been managing to do ok, and I have paid of our credit card, my overdraft left over from University (about £500) and OH's overdraft (about £850).

We both have an allowance of £300 a month - this is our money to do as we please with. We will use this money if we want to go on a night out, or in my case I buy all my clothes etc. We did it this way mainly to avoid arguments about who spent too much and on what!

Well I have been managing ok on my £300, and although some months its a struggle, if I don't have the money, I simply won't go out. I have never gone overdrawn and never spend anymore than this because I simply don't have the cash.

However, my OH can't stay within his budget and has now built up a credit card bill of £300. I know this is only small, but he has no way of paying this back now as he keep going over budget every month.

Now this month is an absolute joke and I am fuming! Every year he goes away with his friends on a lads holiday - This year he is supposed to be going away for three nights. I have no problem with him going, but at the end of the day he has not saved any money towards this trip so will just either put it on his credit card or use his overdraft. Then to add to this, one of our friends has invited him on a stag do in a couple of weeks so this will cost even more money which hasn't been budgeted for.

If this was me, I wouldn't have agreed to go away with my friends for 3 nights in the first place because I know I simply can't afford it. I certainly wouldn't be going on the stag do as well.

I have told OH he needs to go on one or the other, not both. He is not having any of this, he has said he will go on the stag do and is currently arranging his trip away for 3 nights. His answer to everything is that he'll make it back next month. This is what frustrates me so much because something else will happen next month and he won't make it back.

I honestly don't know what to say to him anymore. This morning I told him if he goes to both then I will walk out - I don't know if this is unreasonable or not but I don't see why I should stay at home all the time living within my means whilst he goes out and has all the fun. I am not saying I want to go out all the time because it doesn't bother me, but why does he carry on without a care in the world? I just feel like he is out for himself.

Sorry to moan, I feel so much better now for this little rant. I just don't know what to say to him anymore, and I don't know how I can get him to realise that he shouldn't be spending money he hasn't got.

He thinks £300 isn't a big enough budget but I think this is fair enough, and if I can manage then why can't he?

:mad:

melg1973

You have my sympathies. He's like my hubby, they just 'don't get it'. Mine has always lived hand to mouth, he gets paid weekly, has at least £100 left and it goes nowhere and disappears in a few days. Would never think to save up for something happening in a few weeks.

I manage on a lot less and still buy myself plenty of new clothes, go on nights out, save up for hols etc etc. The difference is he won't buy any clothes that aren't named, will spend £100 + on a night out whereas I spend £20 and am drunk as a skunk.

They do say you can't change someone..... but I will keep trying!

SavinForNewYork

Thanks Melg - nice to know I am not alone!!

All he ever says is that its none of my business, but I know if I leave him to it, the credit card bill will soon be £5k and then what are we supposed to do?

I feel so alone, why should i miss out on nights when he's not prepared to miss out too?

divadee

£300 a month just for going out and clothes!!!! EACH!!

i wish we had that much to spend we dont have £300 a month left for the 3 of us!!




Anyway back to the question. I personally dont think you are being unreasonable. You have managed to pay of all your debts and got a very good budget every month. I think if he is like this now he will never change.

The biggest thing couples argue over is money. In this i do think you need to find a partner that has a very similar outlook to yourself. mr divadee and myself are the exact same about money, and we very rarely argue over it. I mean like once a year or something!!!

Dont know what else to say, other than only you know if he will change his attitude over this, but if hes happy to keep getting in debt just for going out, then i think it will eat away at you and you will resent him for you having to live within your budget and him not giving a toss about his budget!!

dhotchin1986

divadee wrote: »

£300 a month just for going out and clothes!!!! EACH!!

lol.... After all my bills have been paid and I have got some food. I have around £80 left for the month. I manage to go out each week. I always get ask to go out, but i have to say no sometimes, because if I do its me who pays and not the girlfriend. lol

daphne_descends

When you have different attitudes to money, I don't think there is any way around it - you OH may come round to your way of thinking on his own but you can never force it, and it might mean that to get there that yes he does run up some debt - it's only by taking responsibility for it that he can learn - and then only if he chooses to.

How does he feel about the effort you are making?

When I met my OH he spent his wages the minute he got them and I still don't know where that money went, really. It was only when my then housemate moved out and he had the choice of saving up the deposit to move in or watch me find a new housemate that he started to change his ideas... then when I found this site and started making changes I used to get funny looks and resistance, when I changed the food we bought etc but slowly he got used to the idea and it was only when he saw the difference it had made that he got on board, so to speak.

SavinForNewYork

fac73 wrote: »

How does he feel about the effort you are making?

quote]


I get the impression he appreciates my efforts with cutting down the bills etc which has made a big difference.

But when it comes to the effort I put into keeping with my own budget, then he just thinks I am a complete saddo and need to get a life. But I personally wouldn't enjoy a night out if I knew I could afford it in the first place.

He thinks I should blow my budget as life is too short etc etc - you get the idea!!

I agree with everyone else that £300 is more than enough and I realise how lucky I am to have this money to spend.

Vampgirl

Its a difficult situation that I think boils down to fundamentally different attitude to money. My hubby is pretty similar tho not exactly the same: it doesn't bother him having debts so long as he can make the repayments, the thought of spending £1000s on credit card interest doesn't bother him so long as he can still go on holiday.

We're now in the process of paying off our credit cards - which built up to around £20k (Ok its not all his fault, I stuck my head in the sand and enjoyed the lifestyle too), but now its me that is doing the economising and working out what gets paid off when.

The problem is, unless he wants change then there isn't much you can do. I'm lucky, tho we have different attitudes to money we have worked it out and he's making an effort to cut back and think twice now whether we can afford whatever he's planning. All I can suggest is that you continue keeping to your budget and gently explain things to him (try not to nag or argue tho: that doesn't help in the long run).

I do truely believe that people with different attitudes to money can live happily together - it just requires compromise on both sides. Is there any way that you can increase your "allowances". Maybe by sitting down and saying that you realise he needs more per month, ask him how much he needs then compromise. Saving is all well and good, but you work hard so its also nice to enjoy your money. If you want to save some of your wages then that's great, but maybe he resents it if you're making him save some too?

daphne_descends

Has he always been like this with money - you say you've been together 8 years.

How many of us here would love to blow the budget and go crazy? Trouble is that's why so many people ended up here in the first place. Sure it feels good at the time but what's the point if you have to pay for it for the rest of your life? It feels great to have a fab night out in an expensive restaurant or bar but does it feel so good being charged interest for it?

But if he can at least see what you are doing then that sounds to me like a good basis - I think that's where it started with my OH, he got interested and curious about how I could manage to save £30 a month on elec/gas for example without too much 'hard work'. Little things become easy habits and can grow from there. Does he do anything to save a bit here and there - eg making lunches for work, that sort of thing? These are always good starting points.

ftbworried

I agree with the above replies...money is one of the 'crunch factors' in relationships and I REALLY feel for you but since you just have inherently different attitudes to money the situation is destined to get worse if not better. I think it's kind of like your sex drive, they are either compatible or they aren't- theres not much you can do to change something so far ingrained! Its one of the reasons i strongly believe people should live together & share finances before you get married.

Anyhoo....havign said that- you probably love him and dont WANT to leave so I suppose you have to make a real effort to get him to 'see the light' (not that you haven't already).

PERHAPS (this is only speculation) you should look at pooling your 'play' money. It might make for arguments at first but there is methid in this madness.....

1.Currently you have seperate 'play money'. If he overspends, he gets HIMSELF into debt- he thinks "why is she bothered about it, it's not her problem".
2. You pool your play money. He spends more than his fair share and it impacts on you. He then might see that this affects someone OTHER than himself. When you complain that your heel has snapped off your shoes and you need new ones but there is no money in the account as he's peed it up the wall on some stag do, he MIGHT start to feel guilty and regret being so SELFISH.

This all epends on how much he values you really- if he doesn't mind seeing you walk around barefoot and doesn't really care that he's left you with no money and goes on spending regardless, then you are better off without him anyway as he only cares about himself! At the moment tho he doesnt see that his behaviour is impacting anyone but himself so therefore he doesn't see why its an issue for you.

p.s. i obviously dont know you or your OH so these judgements maybe far wide of the mark!

ajaxgeezer

Why not do what me and the wife do? Split the mortgage and bills 50/50 and then everything else is to do as we please with our own money, including savings. It's not only men who are weak with it, in our marriage I'm the frugal skimping one, always tarting around for everything. She loves it when a bill decreases