Why won't he say no?

SavinForNewYork

Wow thank you for all your lovely messages - I am in work at the moment so have to keep sneaking on when the boss isn't looking!!

I have just been sat here thinking maybe we should increase our monthly 'allowance' or just pool all the money together. This was suggested when we first bought the flat together and he didn't want to do it that way because he knows I will go crazy when he spends all our money on beer - but I suppose that is the whole point here - I am still going crazy with him spending all his money on beer!!

fac73 - he has always had this attitude to money, but I was promised when we got our mortgage that the flat would come first and he would sort his priorities out. Ok, so the bills are paid each month, but I don't think this gives him the right to blow all his money whilst I sit there counting every single penny and spending hours meal planning etc.

ftbworried - you are right, I don't WANT to leave him. I feel like I have to to make him realise how serious I really am. But then there is no guarantee this will work. I love your idea about pooling the money and letting him see how this affects me, but I can just imagine him letting me walk around bare footed - I don't know how much he cares about me anymore.

ajaxgeezer - what do you do when the washing machine breaks down for example, do you just go halfs with the bill?

Maybe we should sit down and have a chat tonight, I need to calm down and stop screaming and shouting! I am just soooo frustrated! I will suggest increasing the budget, or pooling the money and see what he says.

pollyanna24

My gosh, but this is so spooky, you could be me!!

Me and bf do the same thing, but give ourselves £400 out of our wages. We straightaway put £100 each in our personal saving accounts (saving for big purchases, I assume like these stag dos and stuff) and my bf had a big struggle staying within his £300 whereas I have no problem. The thing with him is he doesn't even know where his money is going, whereas I keep a note of all mine.

After getting rid of cc, he has started putting stuff on his again, notably an Nintendo Wii (cos that's so important!) and he doesn't seem to be paying it off. I'm going to leave it for now, but if he carries on putting stuff on his cc, I'm going to steal it and throw it away. Don't think he would actually do anything about getting it replaced (hopefully anyways).

System

I dont think theres a lot you can say to him at the moment because he doesnt seem to be able to see any further than his nose but with his reckless attitude to money, I can bet my bottom dollar there will be a time when he wont be able to afford to pay half of the bills and you will have to make some serious decisions as to the way forward but I do hope it doesnt get to that.

My husband is much the same. He loves to spend it but comes running to me if he is out of work. I am learning to be firm though.

pollyanna24

Me again, I've read through all the threads and just thought I'd add a bit more.

How did you come up with this figure of £300? When we decided to pool our money, we discussed it and decided that £400 a week was a good enough figure. At first, bf thought it was very mean, but considering he was used to getting all his wages, I can kinda see where he's came from.

The problem with me and bf is that because I deal with all the money side of it, he simply doesn't know how much things are. I get to see the lovely savings we have jointly piling up, but he doesn't. I used to try and get him interested, but he's not, so I gave up. He seems happy enough with the £400, and ever time he whinges, I say, ok, let's sit down and discuss it, then he'll go, no, it's okay, we need to save money (i.e. trying for baby soon).

I could never completely pool money as he does like spending more than me, and I would resent that. If I don't spend my £400, I have a nice personal savings account which he doesn't. No idea what I'm going to do with that money, but it's there and it's mine and he can't touch it. This way, at least we get the same out of our wages (even though I'm paid more, aren't I nice?)

I would just get rid of the cc, there's no point living off them at all. Cancel them.

SavinForNewYork

MilliesMum wrote: »

I dont think theres a lot you can say to him at the moment because he doesnt seem to be able to see any further than his nose but with his reckless attitude to money, I can bet my bottom dollar there will be a time when he wont be able to afford to pay half of the bills and you will have to make some serious decisions as to the way forward but I do hope it doesnt get to that.

My husband is much the same. He loves to spend it but comes running to me if he is out of work. I am learning to be firm though.

The only good thing is that both of our salaries get paid into our joint bank account, and then our monthly allowance is transferred after pay day into each of our seperate accounts. So luckily, I will always have his money to pay the bills!!

I suppose if we pooled the money though there is a risk he will spend it all and then we won't have enough to pay the bills.

pollyanna 24 - my OH doesn't know where his money goes either... I think sometimes he seriously believes someone stole it from his bank account during the night


Sorry to continue my rant... but another thing that has completely cheesed me off is the fact we have been talking a bit about getting married in 2009 - just a small quiet do with close friends and family. Nothing big and fancy as I can't justify the £20k is would cost!! Anyways, the obvious problem here is that he has to propose first.... his excuse for not proprosing is because he has no way of getting the money... but yet he can go away for three nights with his mates and p*** a load of money up the wall without a second thought.

The more I type on this thread, the more I am convincing myself he doesn't care about me

god I don't want to go home tonight!

benbenandme

My ex and I were like you ... I wanted to save a bit for emergencies, he wanted to spend every last penny. We were together 6/7 years and he left me out of the blue. I think our attitudes to money played quite a major part in it tbh, and two years down the line I've reached a point where I'm happy again.
When he left I managed to persuade him to accept £10k to pay him off the mortgage (he was desperate to get out of it so he could get somewhere with his new gf, and because we have a child he couldnt force me to sell the house, so I told him it was 10k now or wait 13 years till ds was 16 and he could then make me sell up ... knowing his attitude to money I knew he'd take the cash) ... there was about 60k of equity in it at the time . I've since downsized and relocated to a nicer area but cheaper (away from London) and now I can afford to work part-time, pay my mortgage (and overpayments sometimes), save for holidays, opened an Isa yesterday and put my rainy day £3k in it, and have already saved for xmas this year!!

I'm so proud of how I've managed to do it, especially when I look at him and his gf with their joint income of £60k and company cars, living with his parents rent-free and having 3 foreign holidays per year ... but knowing him I bet he still hasn't a penny in savings, he only contributes the minimum required by the CSA towards his son ... and has even had the cheek to ask me to lend him some money once ("You're bound to have some money put away, you always did";) ). I quickly pointed out that I am a single mother with a mortgage and a household income of less than 12k while they have an income of 60k and no outgoings!! He's never asked since .... and to top it all off ... hes a bank manager!!!!:rotfl: :rotfl:

pollyanna24

I think the main things that annoys me about our £400 spending money is that I want to spend some of mine on going out for a pint or for a pizza. But bf won't know where he's has gone, so he's "skint" and we can't go out. I get exactly the same as him for exactly the same reasons, so I can't understand it either. He even has things coming out of the joint account that he doesn't have to worry about that I don't have, like gym membership.

I tried to make it as simple as possible, so he couldn't get surprised by dd that he'd forgotten about, but no, it still doesn't seem to work!

jess1974

My first husband was a nightmare with money, he had a degree, got a good job but we lived on the overdraft. He was always down the pub, taxis home, takeaway on way etc etc, so could easily spend £60 upwards on a night out.

I on the other hand was always scrimping and saving which bored him, i met someone else and divorced him. My new hubby earns far less, but we have a nice home with a low mortgage, and money invested for our future.

My ex has a tiny shoebox, a huge mortgage and is constantly short of cash.

Imho i think such different attitudes to money cause huge problems, and i could only be with someone who feels the same as me...

Kimberley

Reading stuff like this makes me even more determined to stay an independant women

Vampgirl

Kimberley wrote: »

Reading stuff like this makes me even more determined to stay an independant women

LOL that was me 3 years ago! Friends were happy when I got together with OH, but they were totally shocked when we announced we were getting married coz I've always been a very independant person:rotfl:

But it is possible to be in a serious relationship/married and still be independant, just slightly more complicated :rolleyes: Communication, understanding and compromise are they key things with money (and with everything else I expect!). I feel much happier when I'm in control of our money, but I I have to be careful not to make hubby feel like a naughty schoolboy. We do spend more than I'd like us to, but we spend a lot less than we would if hubby was left to his own devices so all in all that's a good compromise.