What To Do

Anon-i-Mouse

Unfortunately the health of my father has deteriorated very rapidly recently, his prognosis is poor and I can see me having to organise a funeral in the very near future.

Here lies the problem. I have one sister, we are not particularly close. Funeral arrangements are agreed (dad has spoken of his wishes). When other relatives have died, as a family we usually go to the wake and then all congregate back at the home of the family. Unfortunately I live closest to where the funeral will be and I dont want all the family coming to mine after the wake.

Ive got nothing against them all but I dont particularly like them and dont have much in common with them. I dont want to be the host running round after all these people.

What can I do?

pollypenny

Just do it, for your dad. It'll be a one-off, won't it.

Mojisola

Anon-i-Mouse wrote: »

Ive got nothing against them all but I dont particularly like them and dont have much in common with them. I dont want to be the host running round after all these people.

What can I do?

Arrange with a local pub to go there. The pubs near crematoria and cemeteries will be used to dealing with funeral groups.

If there is money available, you can organise a buffet; otherwise, let everyone buy their own.

TBagpuss

You don't have to have people at your home if you don't wish to. What about your dad's own home? (If he has a house rather than being in a care home) could you have the wake there?

If not, then speak to pubs close to the church or crematorium, or consider a church hall if your family would not be comfortable in a pub. depending on your budget, you could arrange for a local caterer to provide food etc. so that you don't have to host. If your dad is a member of a local church then of you ask, there may be other members of the congregation who might be able to help out.

One thing - if your family are used to going back to someone's home after the ceremony and wake then you may need to think about how to let people know that that won't be possible - do you have a spouse or partner who can help with this? Or even good friends who can can help out.

Marmaduke123

You can have a note either printed on the order of service or enclosed with it, telling people what the post ceremony arrangements are. It's very usual now for it not to be at someone's house.

Anon-i-Mouse

Thankyou for your replies.
The situation is that we will organise a wake, most likely in the local community centre but its following the wake that Im concerned people/relatives will expect to come back to my home and this is what im not wanting.
I hope that makes it clearer.

Savvy_Sue

Mojisola wrote: »

If there is money available, you can organise a buffet; otherwise, let everyone buy their own.

This is 'money in Dad's estate' money, rather than your own money. Although you may have to negotiate with the venue if you want it paid direct from Dad's estate rather than you paying and then reclaiming from his estate.

DigForVictory

It will be tough day anyway. Could you bring yourself to have a "fit of hysterics" or something similar (crashing migraine?) that requires you to be tenderly escorted home And Left Alone for a couple of days?

It isn't exactly cricket, or how you want to see him away, but if the alternative is an invasion of relatives, I'd consider it, or the threat of it, in negotiations.

Mojisola

Anon-i-Mouse wrote: »

Thankyou for your replies.
The situation is that we will organise a wake, most likely in the local community centre but its following the wake that Im concerned people/relatives will expect to come back to my home and this is what im not wanting.
I hope that makes it clearer.

It's difficult to break an unspoken pattern like this.

You will have to make it clear to everyone that you are not going back to your house after the wake - go out for a meal or see if a friend will have you round for a few hours (don't tell the relatives where the friend lives!).

If you can bring it up beforehand, all to the good. Otherwise, mention it as you talk to people at the wake

Anon-i-Mouse

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

This is 'money in Dad's estate' money, rather than your own money. Although you may have to negotiate with the venue if you want it paid direct from Dad's estate rather than you paying and then reclaiming from his estate.

Just to clarify that the cost of the buffet etc isn't the issue but the relatives descending on me. Surely all of us must have relatives we dislike!!!

Anon-i-Mouse

Mojisola wrote: »

It's difficult to break an unspoken pattern like this.

You will have to make it clear to everyone that you are not going back to your house after the wake - go out for a meal or see if a friend will have you round for a few hours (don't tell the relatives where the friend lives!).

If you can bring it up beforehand, all to the good. Otherwise, mention it as you talk to people at the wake

The meal sounds like a good idea (to me!) but after food at the wake I'm not sure I'll easily convince people that that's what we're doing.

My two older daughters do not live close by and will no doubt be coming up for the funeral and they would come back to my home with me which adds to the complications a bit.