What To Do

Mojisola

Anon-i-Mouse wrote: »

Just to clarify that the cost of the buffet etc isn't the issue but the relatives descending on me. Surely all of us must have relatives we dislike!!!

After Mum and Dad's wakes, I found it a huge relief to get home to some peace and quiet and I like all the people who attended!

If I'd had to set to and start looking after loads of people in my home, it would have made the days much more stressful.

After all, it will have been your father's funeral - you're entitled to give yourself a break.

Marmaduke123

How many people will expect to come back to your house, and how closely related are they?

If its just your sister and her immediate family I would think very carefully about possibly alienating her. You will have things to discuss and sort out on relation to the estate.

If its more of the extended family I would say you are very sorry, but unfortunately you don't feel able to invite them back to yours.

Mojisola

Marmaduke123 wrote: »

If its just your sister and her immediate family I would think very carefully about possibly alienating her. You will have things to discuss and sort out on relation to the estate.

There's no need to do this on the day of the funeral.

Anon-i-Mouse

Marmaduke123 wrote: »

How many people will expect to come back to your house, and how closely related are they?

If its just your sister and her immediate family I would think very carefully about possibly alienating her. You will have things to discuss and sort out on relation to the estate.

If its more of the extended family I would say you are very sorry, but unfortunately you don't feel able to invite them back to yours.

I wouldn't mind if my sister and her immediate family came back to my house, it's more my aunts/uncles etc. My dad has quite a number of brothers/sisters and my late mum had even more brothers/sisters and I think they might come to the funeral too and then be at a loss where to go afterwards, hence my place!

Savvy_Sue

Anon-i-Mouse wrote: »

Just to clarify that the cost of the buffet etc isn't the issue but the relatives descending on me. Surely all of us must have relatives we dislike!!!

Yes, I absolutely get that. Sorry I'd partly misunderstood the first post.

Right, so the expectation is that there is a wake, which you can happily hold at a pub or somewhere, and they they all think they're piling back to yours?

Is the issue that you can't cope with more than the wake, or that you don't want people coming back to yours? If the latter, suggest your sister goes back to Dad's, and b*gger off home yourself. Job done.

Otherwise, plan a kitchen re-fit, or some disruptive decorating, which precludes visitors.

Marmaduke123

I'm that case, I would just invite your sister and family back, and tell the others that unfortunately you are not able to invite them back to your house. No need to give a reason, but if pressed you could say there are private family matters to discuss.

Perhaps you could suggest a place they could move on to
Often these relatives won't have seen each other for a long time.

Marmaduke123

Mojisola wrote: »

There's no need to do this on the day of the funeral.

I didn't mean on the day of the funeral. I meant subsequently.

mountainofdebt

So if i've understood the situation right you're worried that after the wake aunts/uncles/relatives-out-of-the-woodwork will expect to go to yours?

How long for? Over night? A few days?

If they need to be in the area then researching local b&bs /travel lodges may be an idea where by you give them the details when the time comes.

If you mean for tea etc afterwards then I'd be tempted to say at the wake its been lovely to see you we must keep in touch (as you cross your fingers behind your back!)

Savvy_Sue

Right, so it seems to be a case of working out whether it's a numbers thing, or a location thing.

As in, could you cope with all the aunties and uncles anywhere but at your house? Or do you just want to draw a line after the wake, to be held elsewhere? I think the answer to that makes a difference to what suggestions we make.

growler834

I have just buried my mum & after being at her bedside for weeks, day & night, I would have been annoyed if family had expected to return to come to my house after the wake - I was physically & emotionally exhausted & my house hadn't been cleaned for weeks.
I would do as others have advised - arrange the wake at a local venue & print the details on the funeral card given out at the service. If relatives ask you if they are coming back to your home afterwards politely tell them that you have been so busy during dad's death & afterwards that you haven't had the opportunity to keep up to the housework or your own health so you are afraid it's not possible to invite them back. If they take umbrage that your sister & her family are going back with you just say it's because you haven't had time to grieve together until now. If they don't like it they aren't giving you the respect you deserve as dad's closest relative & for the everything you have been through.