What To Do

getmore4less

What's the travel arrangements time/distance most of those attending will be making


A couple of options.


If they are traveling distance, having a late in the day funeral and an extended time at the wake will they drift off home rather than want to stay longer?


Is there a place that would work for an extended wake that does evening food for those that do want to hand on.


Is there anywhere locally that you could stay at along with daughters families and perhaps sisters.


How close is the next relative? would they be more open to taking on the job.


If is a nice day are there any places that have great outdoor space.


If you have had a busy time an early funeral then you go off on a short break to recuperate. Might be that you would prefer to go home with your direct family

Auntie-Dolly

Why would people expect to go on anywhere after the wake?

Mojisola

Auntie-Dolly wrote: »

Why would people expect to go on anywhere after the wake?

It sounds like one of those family traditions that just develops.

I'll be surprised if Anon-i-Mouse is the first one who didn't want to entertain people in her home all evening but it is hard when people aren't being invited but just assume what will happen.

TomEdpost

Hi Anon-i-Mouse, as I understand it your father has not yet died but his health is deteriorating, so this must be a very stressful time for you and it can be hard to think straight and sometimes things get out of all proportion.

First, can you talk about it to your sister and if she understands you don't want everyone back, can you present a "united front" and just stand at the door and say good bye to everyone at the end of the wake?

If that won't work, have you thought about talking to your older daughters who will come back? Would they want to see their relatives for longer? Would they help you manage things, so it wasn't so bad?

I don't want to make light of your concerns ( I have several relatives I would happily never see or speak to again) but I do wonder if this worry is actually about something bigger ..feeling put upon by the family or being left to cope with your dad?

My experience with family deaths is that they can very easily cause family rows and splits which can take years to heal ..all sorts of emotions come bubbling to the surface... so just try and be calm and think about it carefully before causing a breach with relatives, you may regret later.

But, in the final analysis, it is your right to grieve and remember your father the way you want to ... you can just leave the wake and go for a long walk or drive and leave everything else behind if you need to.

Good luck with a difficult choice and I hope you are able to get some peace in these last days with your father. Hope it goes well for you.

Anon-i-Mouse

mountainofdebt wrote: »

So if i've understood the situation right you're worried that after the wake aunts/uncles/relatives-out-of-the-woodwork will expect to go to yours?

How long for? Over night? A few days?

If they need to be in the area then researching local b&bs /travel lodges may be an idea where by you give them the details when the time comes.

If you mean for tea etc afterwards then I'd be tempted to say at the wake its been lovely to see you we must keep in touch (as you cross your fingers behind your back!)

Those relatives that will be coming to the funeral (and it's impossible to say who will come) live within a reasonable distance, max distance would be 40 mins drive.

No one would be wanting to stay overnight :T but it's after the wake that I wouldn't want to be entertaining them.

Your suggestion of it's been lovely to see you, we must keep in touch is a fabulous suggestion, thank you.

Just to add a bit more info, when my mum died, the same relatives came to the wake but then somehow they all ended up at my dad's. I'm not sure if he invited them back or what exactly happened. Some 4/5 hours later everyone was still at my dad's still chatting, my dad didn't mind as he was reminiscing with his family about old times but it's for that reason that I'm getting your views as I don't want them sat here for hours drinking tea.

Anon-i-Mouse

TomEdpost wrote: »

Hi Anon-i-Mouse, as I understand it your father has not yet died but his health is deteriorating, so this must be a very stressful time for you and it can be hard to think straight and sometimes things get out of all proportion.

First, can you talk about it to your sister and if she understands you don't want everyone back, can you present a "united front" and just stand at the door and say good bye to everyone at the end of the wake?

If that won't work, have you thought about talking to your older daughters who will come back? Would they want to see their relatives for longer? Would they help you manage things, so it wasn't so bad?

I don't want to make light of your concerns ( I have several relatives I would happily never see or speak to again) but I do wonder if this worry is actually about something bigger ..feeling put upon by the family or being left to cope with your dad?

My experience with family deaths is that they can very easily cause family rows and splits which can take years to heal ..all sorts of emotions come bubbling to the surface... so just try and be calm and think about it carefully before causing a breach with relatives, you may regret later.

But, in the final analysis, it is your right to grieve and remember your father the way you want to ... you can just leave the wake and go for a long walk or drive and leave everything else behind if you need to.

Good luck with a difficult choice and I hope you are able to get some peace in these last days with your father. Hope it goes well for you.

Hopefully the last para in my last post will explain things a bit better and what happened when my mum died re the relatives. I'm not 100% sure how they all ended back up at my dad's, whether that was by invite or whether they just congregated back there.

Re your 2nd para, I don't feel put on by the family but when my mum died, my mum's family all said they would keep in touch with my dad and never did. That has caused no resentment on my part but my dad has voiced his concerns to me some time ago about this.

Generally though I don't really get on well with the aunts/uncles, they're an odd bunch to say the least and I don't really have much in common with them at all (other than being related) and I definitely won't regret any breach with them, in fact my mum passed 9 years ago and I haven't heard anything from them in all that time!!! In fact I walked past one aunt in a shop in a local town some 4 years ago, luckily she didn't recognise me and I sneaked past! My daughters will definitely not want to see the relatives either, they know a few of them but others they've never met other than at my mum's funeral.

Hence this lack of relationship is my reason I don't want them at my house. Luckily the wake won't be here (we will probably hire the local community centre).

Anon-i-Mouse

Auntie-Dolly wrote: »

Why would people expect to go on anywhere after the wake?

What usually happens for people after a wake?

Obviously I only know what has happened previously in my family and have no experience of what others do. It would be insightful to say the least to know what goes on for other families.

whitewing

At funerals that I have been to, we have either gone to a venue after the service and then home alone, or to the service and back to a nominated house (which may be the wife's etc). In all cases, it hasn't stretched on forever into the evening.

Is there a good family friend who would be happy to have everyone reminiscing after the venue as their last thing they can do for your dad? Maybe it would be worth having a 'just in case' discussion. (Obviously it would need to be someone reliable).

melanzana

Hi OP,

When you say "wake" can you say what that means for you and those attending?

I am Irish, and a wake over here, is usually a vigil just after the person dies, before the funeral. If the person is waked at home that can mean an overnight vigil.

If the person is in a funeral home, the clan gathers at the persons home and people visit both the funeral home and the house before the funeral to sympathise.

After the funeral, it is usual for a reception to be held for the family and mourners, and nowadays this is in a hotel or pub.

There would be no question of anyone (other than the immediate family) adjourning to anyone's house after that.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was just wondering what your situation might be.

And I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this relatively soon aswell. It's not easy at all.

M.

Anon-i-Mouse

Maybe "wake" isn't the right word, when I mention the word "wake" I'm meaning the reception after the funeral where people attending the funeral are welcomed back for buffet food and tea/coffee.

Sorry for any confusion.