Experience of Generalised Anxiety Disorder?

elsien

You lot are an untrusting bunch - remind me never to come on here for relationship advice. It's a huge step to go from trusting your partner to potentially further poisoning a relationship by watching and checking every move he makes. Me, I'd be suggesting he saw the GP to start with, then take it from there.

jetplane

Got to love MSE (or not) So far it has been decided that he has had a fling, is lying to you, uses illness to mask poor behaviour, is probably not gay / bisexual, and you should spy on him to check out these theories

OP do you think the problems started this weekend or could it be that the weekend brought them to a head? I think DaveTheMus may be close in that some one has teased him about his situation and this has sent his anxiety into overdrive?

Where did he stay for five weeks and does he have any family or friends who can give you insight into how he usually copes? In a relatively short timescale he has committed to a relationship, taken on a baby and bought a house and that can be daunting for any one. This weekend may have made him think how it was just 24 months ago and he's panicked.

It doesn't have to be an affair.

bess1234_2

Cor blimey- how to ruin a relationship! Accusing him of all sorts and becoming suspicious will end it for sure.

My partner has GAD , I had all the symptoms you have, CBT was wonderful, it's a very loving relationship, and so much better since he got help. I know he wasn't having an affair, cos he was in too much of a state to cope with one.

krustylouise

unicorn1984 wrote: »

Myself and my partner have been going through a really tough time lately. It all stemmed from a weekend away with work "teambuilding". Now he is generally known as being a "worrier", he is very methodical, intelligent and particular. He hates to be late, untidy, always needs to be doing or planning something to do etc.

I have always said he needs to try and relax more, switch off, but he finds it very difficult. He overthinks most things, looking at something from every angle, looking at ways in which it may fail. He has to be 100% (or as close to 100%!) about a decision before he will commit to it, even about small thing. But he can also be very indecisive too (preferring others to make a choice, incase it is the wrong one!)

Back to the problems. He went away on this weekend perfectly happy and came back and suddenly wasn't sure what he wanted. I am still married (starting divorce proceedings in the next couple of months, but this has never bothered him that I am married) and I have a 2 1/2 year old from my marriage, whom my partner adores.
We have known each other for about 5 years (through work) and been in a relationship for almost 2 years.

After 9 months he suggested we move in together, so he moved in with me, and then 8 months later he bought a house for us all. We moved in January. In April he goes on this weekend away and comes back different.

At first he said he wasn't sure he was ready for the whole responsibility of helping me to raise my child, and this is his only proper relationship (he has never seen the point in getting into relationships unless there was a future... again probably due to his fear of it failing) and he wasn't sure if he was ready for this to be the next 40-50 years of his life. He moved out of the house for 5 weeks to get some space to think, he admitted that he didn't actually spend any time thinking, mainly burying his head in the sand. I asked him to come home so we could try and work through things, and he did.

We agreed to see a couples councillor and had 3 sessions, then after the 3rd we had a row and split up (mainly due to the atmosphere in the house not being healthy for anyone). Things seemed to relax then, we both stayed in the house for about 5 days and got on fine, but went out socially with friends at the weekend and he had a few drinks then started getting very touchy feely, asking for kisses, getting into bed with me (we have been in separate rooms since all this) I told him he couldn't end it with me then act like this, so I said I should move out. I viewed a house and he got very scared of me going. We spoke and agreed to keep our last appointment with the councillor, which was last night, and got to talking and agreed that neither of us wanted me to move out, if I left I would struggle money-wise, and he would have to get a lodger in the house which he would hate, so he saw the only solution would be to sell the house.... so we agreed that we both wanted to try and make it work.

We went to the councillors and told him all that had happened, splitting up etc and the councillor thinks he may have GAD (general anxiety disorder). He says basically that he voices concerns when he hasn't thought them through, whether they are "legitimate concerns", and he almost looks for doubts, plucking them out of the air.

Has anyone ever suffered, or known anyone to suffer from this? I have read about it and it sounds just like him. The councillor said he wants to now work with my partner 1 on 1 to try and help with this anxiety.

I really hope that this helps, the thought that the man I love spends so much time going through this torture is unbearable! For 2 months I have been very tense, uncertain, on edge, uncertain about the future and it has drained me. I have lost 2 stone from worry and had panic attacks. Now I think this must be what he feels like most of the time, its horrendous! I wonder how he manages to relax, if ever!

Sorry for the essay! xx

Hi,

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through atm. I live with GAD and panic attacks {PA}. It isn't nice, but it can be managed. I see a counsellor and have been having cognitive behavioural therapy to help with my PA.

Your OH seems to have many of the signs of GAD, but you worrying about it {which is natural I know} will not help you and your OH. First of all I suggest your OH see a counsellor alone. It's great that you have been seeing a counsellor together as your OH will be more likely to visit one alone, alot of people feel they are a failure if they have to see one.

Also, with whats going on in your relationship, that can't be helping your OH {obviously I know it must be affecting you too, but we're discussing your OH}. It must have been ongoing for a while as you have been sleeping in separate rooms. I really think you need to get down to the bottom of that, for both of your sakes. Its all fine and well saying you decided to stay as otherwise the house would have to be sold, but is that really a decision you're both willing to make for your future? Is that a good enough reason?

Whatever you decide to do, as a couple and individually, I wish you both the best of luck. GAD isn't the be all and end all

unicorn1984

Hi, thanks for all the posts.

To all those that say he must be cheating/cheated or other, I don't agree that he is. I am not about to start checking his phone and other devices because I trust him and when he tells me that he hasn't done anything then I believe him. I actually started this thread for some advise on the (possibility) that he may have some form of anxiety disorder, and whether people have any experience/knowledge of this type of thing.

To the poster who said I saw him as a meal ticket (or words to those effect), I can safely say that is way off the mark. It was my partner who initially made the move on me, FULLY aware I was married with a child as we worked together for 4 years, he is the one who suggested he move in with me and my "baby in tow", he is the one who wanted to buy a house, for us ALL to live in. I have NEVER pushed for any of these things, as I am fully aware that I am still married and have my child, so I was not about to start suggesting he move in/buy a house for us as I can imagine this would freak out many men! I am aware of my situation, but you make it sound like I have leached onto him and am using him, which is highly unfair, presumptuous and rude!

The counselling has been a good place to help us communicate our fears as I think we have both maybe been scared to say everything we have been thinking, incase we hurt the other, the councillor now wants to work 1 on 1 with my partner, to help him try to understand where this worrying (in general, not just regarding our relationship) comes from, and if they can work together to try and help.

At the moment, we have both agreed that we want to try and make this work, we aren't staying together purely so he doesn't have to sell the house, its because we agreed that neither of us wants to split up with the chance of looking back in 6 months and thinking it was the wrong decision and we could have tried harder to work through things.

Jetplane, you are near to the mark when you say its all happened in such a short space and made him panic, that's exactly what I have been thinking from the start. I know he also worries that he is such a huge part of my childs life, and he plays a role in helping to raise him (to a certain extent) and he worries about that.

For the 5 weeks, he stayed with his friend 5 minutes up the road. He has a fantastic group of friends, who I am lucky to also be friends with now, and they have all said its very out of character but on the other hand he has never had a "proper" relationship before, so its not like they can compare it to any other break up he has been through.

His Mum says he has always worried about things, ever since he was a young child. I have spoken to her loads and she says that although the way it has all been handled may look like he is being cruel, all throughout this he has maintained he feels guilty that he is putting me through all this, hurting me, causing uncertainty etc. but he feels its better to deal with these doubts/worries now, rather than push them aside and have them rear their head again in 5 years time, when we would potentially be married with kids of our own.

I appreciate that people may look at this and say "silly cow, he has gone away, cheated and now he feels guilty, that's why he is anxious".... but he has ALWAYS had this worrying nature, it hasn't just cropped up lately.

Thanks for the replies so far x

unicorn1984

ManofLeisure wrote: »

My opinion (for what it's worth ), is that it's impossible to say whether the chap has GAD or not. There are a number of conditions which present with similar characteristics and so a chat with his GP would be beneficial.
Having said that, I think we are all aware of the fact that some men (for whatever reason), are unwilling to commit to a relationship. Maybe your OH had a taste of freedom during his weekend away, and rather enjoyed it. Hope that is not the case and you are able to resolve your problems soon .

Hi,

He has alot of freedom in our relationship. He still goes out with friends, with and without me, he has been on long weekends away (stag weekends etc) and I have never "stopped" him doing things.
I could understand if we spend every moment together and he never gets his own time to do things, but he does.

He may well not want to commit, and if that is the case then there is nothing I can do to change that.

thanks x

unicorn1984

Emkayoli wrote: »

It's a bit harsh to automatically assume he has/is/wants to cheat on the OP. GAD is a very real mental illness and does present these kinds of behaviours. Whether or not people think he is the OP has said that they believe he isn't so why try and make them feel silly for trusting and wanting make their relationship work?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a wonderful tool Unicorn and I hope he will go and give it a try with an open mind. I know some men i have met especially find it difficult to talk about their feeling and feel it is all hokum.

I have a huge amount of anxiety and intrusive thoughts and even after one session of CBT I feel lighter and more collected.

I don't have GAD.

Thank you. This was most helpful.

I do not feel silly for trusting him and wanting to work through this, I see why people may suddenly assume he has cheated, but I don't believe he has.

He was quite keen for us to see the councillor, and to be fair he did alot of the talking. I was half expecting him to agree to it and then clam up, only going as I had suggested it but he seems to have embraced it and we are already communicating better (except for the blip last week when we rowed and that was mainly down to me).... he is starting one to one next week, the councillor did mention "intrusive thoughts" and the fact that my partner needs to learn to distinguish between these and "legitimate concerns".

It may not be GAD, this was just something the councillor suggested, but he also said he doesn't like to work with "diagnoses" but he thinks my partner just needs to re-train his brain to be able to work out whether things really do need to be of concern to him.

Thanks for your reply, and I hope you continue to feel more collected! I hope the same can help my partner x

DaveTheMus

unicorn1984 wrote: »

To the poster who said I saw him as a meal ticket (or words to those effect), I can safely say that is way off the mark. It was my partner who initially made the move on me, FULLY aware I was married with a child as we worked together for 4 years, he is the one who suggested he move in with me and my "baby in tow", he is the one who wanted to buy a house, for us ALL to live in. I have NEVER pushed for any of these things, as I am fully aware that I am still married and have my child, so I was not about to start suggesting he move in/buy a house for us as I can imagine this would freak out many men! I am aware of my situation, but you make it sound like I have leached onto him and am using him, which is highly unfair, presumptuous and rude!

I'm not suggesting that IS what happened........ I'm saying I wouldn't be surprised if his work mates are telling him that this is how it is, hence the reason he was different after the weekend away with the workmates.

lilherbz

I have recently finished Cogitative Behaviour Therapy (CBT) Group and one on one therapies, for panic attacks and GAD. I over think everything, assume the worst will happen and pushed my partner away.

CBT helps retrain your way of thinking makes you see the positive in situations, a thought is just a thought doesn't mean you have to act upon a thought. I am by no means cured i still wrestle with my thoughts but my life has almost gone back to normal.

He should go to his doctor or he can self refer on the mind.org.uk website, i found both group and one on one therapy helpful.

All the best xx

lilherbz

DaveTheMus wrote: »

I'm not suggesting that IS what happened........ I'm saying I wouldn't be surprised if his work mates are telling him that this is how it is, hence the reason he was different after the weekend away with the workmates.

Or because he has undiagnosed GAD he could have had a bad panic or anxiety attack whilst he was away.