Selfish or not?

nikkit72

Bear with me, **** means child's name
I have been married 2.5 years, with my hubby of 9.5 years, he has a child with someone else, we used to see her upto when we got married as the ex was not happy and caused so much problems turned the child against us, and he stopped seeing ******, out of the blue 2 months ago, a knock on the door saying ***** wanted to see him again, we have a 4 year old who knows nothing about *****,so he decided for him to go and start seeing ***** and to talk to ***** to see what ***** wanted, before telling our son. any how it's now been 2 months he is still going round his ex stays there for hours, makes a effort before going, when I ask how it went, what's going to happen is ***** gonna start coming here and introduce to our son, he just says nothing to tell, I'm just gonna keep going there, it's like he has started a secret life and won't talk about anything, so all I see is him making a effort to go there, whenever he withe he can go for days without a bath, if he comes shopping he looks like a tramp,, but a whole different story when he goes there. I have now told him, ****** either starts coming here or I'm sorry I can't be married to someone with a Secret life, it's awful I feel like this, but he hated his ex for the what she did, now he seems all pally, he says I'm being selfish,,, I don't think I am. Any advise would be appreciated, I don't feel I'm in love with him anymore, sometimes I look at him and Wonder why I bother, am I being selfish or not ? Xxx

**** known me for 9.5 years, step mum for 7 years until she stopped coming here, **** knows our son!

thorsoak

Deleted as changes have been made ;-)

nikkit72

It's only coz I didn't want to be recognised so didn't want to say her or him !! No offensive meant

ska_lover

I understand your concerns - with him making an effort - and do not think I would be comfortable with this either. Why is he more interested in looking clean and tidy to go round there, when he doesn't mind being a scruff at home, - I would be thinking that kind of thing.

I think HE is the one being selfish to you, and undermining your position in his life. You are his WIFE and he is cutting you out of a very important part of his life. The 're-introductory' period is over now, and I cannot see a real reason why, going forward, either the child cannot come to yours, or you cannot go round there with hiim

He does need to tell your little one, no point in keeping this a secret for any longer

headachesrus

No, not selfish at all. Suspicious, but with good reason.


How old is this child?

FBaby

I don't think you are selfish at all. He is not giving any reasons for going there, therefore he is the one being unreasonable. Even if she didn't want to meet you/your son yet, nothing is stopping him from meeting her outside of her house, or coming to yours when you are not there.

I think it is great they have started to have contact again, but that doesn't mean he should push you away. I am not sure about the ultimatum, but you were right to make your feelings clear.

cazziebo

"the kid"?

I think there are a lot of issues here which aren't about being selfish or not. You need to work on your relationship -especially for the sake of your four year old - before you make any demands about the older child.

If you take out this new development of seeing the older child, there's something wrong when someone doesn't wash "for days". Don't be looking outside of that for the issues. It's not to do with the ex or the child - it that's how your relationship is then that sounds as if it's the problem.

daisiegg

nikkit72 wrote: »

It's only coz I didn't want to be recognised so didn't want to say her or him !! No offensive meant

You have said 'her' at the beginning of your post

nikkit72

Have changed to *****

ska_lover

OH dear, I fear this is going to be one of those threads where people spend the next 25 pages completely focusing on the wording 'the kid' rather than the problem at hand

I know lets spend the next 25 pages picking holes in the OP, rather than offering opinions or advice, shall we? Lets all repeatedly gasp 'The KID!! '' in horror

I see nothing wrong with your wording OP, its like you called the child 'the brat' or something

nikkit72

Thanks everyone, I am so relieved I am Not being selfish, I'm sure he will say otherwise,
Any more advise really appreciated xxx