Stalker

SquirrelNutkins

I live with my best friend, we are both young women, who moved in together last year, to this town (its cheaper sharing rent and we get along great so no problems there). She has moved quite a long distance, and after a few month of living together a friend of her brother moved to a town not too far away from us. He asked if he could visit her and she said sure.

To make a long story short, it turned out the only reason why he moved hundreds of miles to that town was to live closer to her! It also turns out that he has had a crush on her for about 6 years, never said a word to her and instead seems to have been living in lala fantasy world where he convinced himself that she is his soulmate and they will end up married! She told him, that she is not interested (several times) but he just doesnt get it. At first she was probably too nice to him, he kept texting and calling her for months and months and she talked to him because she felt as he is an old family friend she couldnt just brush him off like that. But he kept bothering her for months, ignoring her telling him that she is not interested and that she feels uncomfortable with him contacting her so much. About two months ago she was more nasty to him on the phone, yelling at him to leave her alone etc. and he still does not get it! She is at a point where she completely ignores his messages now, but he still texts, even though he never gets a reply.

I have to say that she has ignored him more or less for most of the time that this has been going on, but occasionally she cracked. Like one time when he threatned to kill himself. What a git, I was so mad at him for that. She told him off for it, as she is smart enough to see that its emotional blackmailing.

Im writing here because I think my friend is more stressed about this than she lets on, she refuses to talk about it most of the time and gets grumpy at me if I mention it. But I have to talk about it because it worries me. So far it has only been phonecalls, and texts, emails etc. (everyday he writes her like 15 messages). But Im worried that he´ll find out where we live. When he visited us, that was still at our old place, we moved since then, but we are still in the same town and he knows that. Can he still find out where we live just by my name? (the place is under my name) I dont think he knows my last name, but he could ask her family for my last name or something. My friend also hasnt told her family about this, even though I told her she should.

Any thoughts or advice? Thanks

spirit

Block his number....

Grumpypoo

Take it seriously. Not to scare you but he does not sound normal. Even let the police know what is happening.

fizz

She could a/ ignore him b/ ask her brother to 'have a word' with him
c/ notify the Police and see what they think.

Personally I'd go with b but she may not have a brother like mine!

Yorkie1

This is classic stalking behaviour and should be taken seriously.

I would advise contacting the local police and making a report, if your friend feels able to do that. If she does decide to do that, then she should retain the texts and other evidence / make detailed notes of any conversations both previously and going forward.

The police can choose to issue a formal warning under the Protection from Harassment Act. Essentially, this means that if there is any further contact, the offender cannot subsequently claim that they were unaware of the impact of their behaviour - and thus removes a line of defence.

I don't want to alarm you or her, and it is fair to say that many incidents of stalking do not significantly escalate, but it is also fair to say that some do escalate when the person doing the stalking does not feel that their affections are returned.

Ultimately, though, it's up to your friend / housemate to make the complaint. I know you're housemates, and if the phone calls were being made on the house landline and thus affecting you equally, then you could be the one to make a complaint - but if she's not up for following it through then that doesn't help either your relationship or the complaint.

System

SquirrelNutkins wrote: »

But I have to talk about it because it worries me. So far it has only been phonecalls, and texts, emails etc. (everyday he writes her like 15 messages). But Im worried that he´ll find out where we live. When he visited us, that was still at our old place, we moved since then, but we are still in the same town and he knows that. Can he still find out where we live just by my name? (the place is under my name) I dont think he knows my last name, but he could ask her family for my last name or something. My friend also hasnt told her family about this, even though I told her she should.

Any thoughts or advice? Thanks

It sounds like you are dealing with someone who has an obsession with your housemate. Obsession can be just as strong an emotion as hate or love, maybe even more so.

I fear if he has enough time on his hands he could easily make enquiries and find out where the two of you are living.

You may need to tell your friend that if she doesn't tell someone then you may have to, because you are feeling threatened by this man.

BitterAndTwisted

Please persuade your friend to take this seriously. His behaviour isn't just irksome and he can be deflected or avoided, it's worrying. She should share this information with her family, his family and the police. Get her to call them on the non-emergency number 101 before it becomes a real emergency. If she's not responding to texts, calls and emails he will in all likelihood attempt to locate her. And you could both be quite easily found if you're on on the Electoral Register. All he has to do is turn up at the LA offices and see the lists.

Does he know where she works?

Her family need to be warned NOT TO disclose any information about her to him whatsoever, no matter how plausible he might sound.

Seanymph

You have listed the things you know, but believe me there is stuff you don't know.

Tell the police. This is disturbing and Not Normal behaviour.

He needs to get help, and your friend deserves piece of mind - this is robbing her of her normality.

whitewing

http://www.stalkinghelpline.org/

You both can get advice here.

pogofish

Yorkie1 wrote: »

This is classic stalking behaviour and should be taken seriously.

I would advise contacting the local police and making a report, if your friend feels able to do that. If she does decide to do that, then she should retain the texts and other evidence / make detailed notes of any conversations both previously and going forward.

The police can choose to issue a formal warning under the Protection from Harassment Act. Essentially, this means that if there is any further contact, the offender cannot subsequently claim that they were unaware of the impact of their behaviour - and thus removes a line of defence.

I don't want to alarm you or her, and it is fair to say that many incidents of stalking do not significantly escalate, but it is also fair to say that some do escalate when the person doing the stalking does not feel that their affections are returned.

Ultimately, though, it's up to your friend / housemate to make the complaint. I know you're housemates, and if the phone calls were being made on the house landline and thus affecting you equally, then you could be the one to make a complaint - but if she's not up for following it through then that doesn't help either your relationship or the complaint.

This - In buckets!

BigAunty

You don't have to be a skilled stalker to find a new address. Simply by registering with the electoral register, anyone can find you on 192.com by paying a small fee, for example (though i don't know how long it takes for a new address to be updated).

As he's obsessed, he might just follow one of you home from work or a regular social hang-out, stick a tracking device on a car or anything.

There's no sign yet that he's losing his appetite for contacting her, is there? And if he is in stalking mode (because deep down he likes the journey, the process, not just the end object or destination), it simply another chance for him to continue playing games and practising his skills which are giving him a thrill, the thrill of the chase.