Advice on the Ex and access to my kids

cakeforbrains

How often do you actually see the children now? And what is she offering in terms of contact?

I can give you a 'sort of' insight into the other side: when my ex and I split up I decided, after about a year, to move back home to be near my mum. My situation might be slightly different in that when heavily pregnant with our second son when my ex and I originally moved several hundred miles away from all friends and family so that we could 'afford' to buy a house (his idea). Once single I was left with no emotional support and isolated. Additionally, my ex and his mother (who owned part of the marital home) were pressuring me to sell up.

I've got to say that even when my ex threatened to throw himself in front of my car, or stood outside the house screaming 'you lost your father - how would you like it?' I was still adamant to move. In fact it sped up the process, to be honest.

I'm not saying all this to imply that you are the same as my ex. It's just that the pull to be close to family when you're vulnerable can be overwhelming. In our case my ex moved back down to our original area a few months after I left. He and his girlfriend (who he had moved up) are from around here too so it was relatively easy for him.

Edit to add: our children did have contact with him throughout this time, both when we were living close and after I'd moved.

What do you think you are going to do now?

Zully

FatVonD wrote: »

I don't think you are going to be able to stop her moving so you have a couple of options.

Either you relocate as well or you firm up which weekends you will be having them and get booking accommodation in her new locale for those weekends.

Yeah, I know im on a losing battle.....


That's something I might have to consider.... FML

Zully

cakeforbrains wrote: »

How often do you actually see the children now? And what is she offering in terms of contact?

I can give you a 'sort of' insight into the other side: when my ex and I split up I decided, after about a year, to move back home to be near my mum. My situation might be slightly different in that when heavily pregnant with our second son when my ex and I originally moved several hundred miles away from all friends and family so that we could 'afford' to buy a house (his idea). Once single I was left with no emotional support and isolated. Additionally, my ex and his mother (who owned part of the marital home) were pressuring me to sell up.

I've got to say that even when my ex threatened to throw himself in front of my car, or stood outside the house screaming 'you lost your father - how would you like it?' I was still adamant to move. In fact it sped up the process, to be honest.

I'm not saying all this to imply that you are the same as my ex. It's just that the pull to be close to family when you're vulnerable can be overwhelming. In our case my ex moved back down to our original area a few months after I left. He and his girlfriend (who he had moved up) are from around here too so it was relatively easy for him.

Edit to add: our children did have contact with him throughout this time, both when we were living close and after I'd moved.

What do you think you are going to do now?

I see them once a week for 3-5 hours, its difficult to have them for longer as the house im in is NOT child friendly and even taking them to the park is difficult solo as they are both into everything so I try to arrange someone to help me.


oh I get why she wants to move, I haven't been there for her despite it being her choice, she gets support from mum and dad if she moves up there, the thing is, im trying to convince her that when I get the new place, I can then have the kids for longer times (as it will be my place) and she will get the support she needs, but she needs to give me that chance....


I don't think its going to make any difference, being able to swan off to Sweden to see her boyfriend whenever she wants im sure has a greater appeal than every other weekend.....

FatVonD

Zully wrote: »

I don't think its going to make any difference, being able to swan off to Sweden to see her boyfriend whenever she wants im sure has a greater appeal than every other weekend.....

So kill her with kindness and let her 'swan off' to Sweden on alternate weekends. You need to put your own feelings about the fact she's with your best friend aside and concentrate on what's (more) important, ie seeing your kids and stop kicking off or you will find you don't get to see them at all..

I do hate when dads are deprived of their children but her going back to college does sound like a good idea for your children's future.

Zully

FatVonD wrote: »

So kill her with kindness and let her 'swan off' to Sweden on alternate weekends. You need to put your own feelings about the fact she's with your best friend aside and concentrate on what's (more) important, ie seeing your kids and stop kicking off or you will find you don't get to see them at all..

I do hate when dads are deprived of their children but her going back to college does sound like a good idea for your children's future.

That's the kind of thing I want to do, is give her some freedom back so she can get out and do stuff, but I cant in my current situation, I need a house and I cant get a house until I know what she is doing/im relinquished of the contract for the house she currently resides in (actually that's a lie, I have a backup plan there).


There is nothing to stop her doing evening classes or open university, she doesn't have to move to do that... (all put forward and rejected out of hand)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Zully wrote: »

That's the kind of thing I want to do, is give her some freedom back so she can get out and do stuff, but I cant in my current situation, I need a house and I cant get a house until I know what she is doing/im relinquished of the contract for the house she currently resides in (actually that's a lie, I have a backup plan there).


There is nothing to stop her doing evening classes or open university, she doesn't have to move to do that... (all put forward and rejected out of hand)

You should be able to look after two children by yourself. She does it.

Daytime courses are far better, in my experience. You don't miss bedtimes and it fits in nicely with nursery/play group/school times - plus you get more human interaction - I stopped taking OU courses because sitting at home in front of a laptop, listening to disjointed voices was no substitute for living, breathing people you could chat to on a break or get a lecturer to explain something practically. Evening courses have more people who can't wait to leave, you're often more tired and even things like grabbing something to eat can be harder, as many shops will be closed, including anywhere in the college itself.

Regular contact via an order will enable her to have time off, being near her parents means that she isn't dependent upon you for childcare. And as she's already moving, that frees you up to make your own accommodation arrangements. For a two bedroom flat or a one bedroom with a sofa bed, whatever you can afford.

brenda10

Zully wrote: »

I checked with my lawyer, she would immediately lose her primary carer status because we would be under the same roof, we would resume joint carers again

Zully if this is possible do it, once she has been caring for the children for a period of time she can claim she has been main carer which gives her BIG advantages by being able ot take the children out of your life, ie further away and ? even abroad in time. Also financially she will be quids in as you will have to pay high mainatainence wherein is equal care, you do not have to pay maintainance as each same division of monies to look after children 50% of time.
A family member stuck a very bad situation with wife, she was a psycho, intent on turning child against him and out of his life. he fought through court to get a contact order stamped for 50/50 equal share and got it as he could show he had been a carer of children equal to her! Now if he hadn't have won that she would have went back to court as caring for child 5days out of 7 and then requested a new court order where the judge would have said OK with a shake of her hand, yes dear you misss your family, yes dear you are depressed going through divorce, yes dear you are isolated etc etc and off she goes ABROAD.(as she wanted the court to allow him to have child 2 days and her 5 days!!-cunning longer term plan). She was planning on moving jurisdiction but doing it in a sneaky way one step at the time-the judge saw through her ploy, these women will try everything and the end result was to do like her sisters ahd done, cut the Father out of the childs life and the child is his most precious gift, he has been from DAY 1 the mother and father all in one, mother instantly jealous when child born because she was not getting all attention.
If you can stick her for your child's sake get back in the house again. my family member never left and him and wife never spoke for 7 months!!! he survived, she moved out, she had stolen all money etc for years unknown to him. She gone 1 year ago, she has been unable to move country without going back to court, she was told not to be seen back in front of judge again as she behaved so badly, her statement of why the child should be with her 5 days and him 2 hung herself......it was laughable...all v stressful but the moral of the story is get your family on board to help you mentally physically and financially, I haven't much £ but I gave what I could and it all turned out good int he end. her plan was to leave him pennyless and then he couldn't fight through the court. You may need a PROHIBITIVE STEPS ORDER to prevent her removing the child out of the area, best to get legal advice and at least she has not left the home, in our case she took child and left and luckily wasn't so clever and stayed in UK until he got a PS Order in place as great risk of kidnapping child. Good Luck, Hope this is helpful.
Anyways go to court, go for 50/50 SHARED care order

brenda10

Zully wrote: »

well the previous "emotional"versions of the letter seemed too aggressive and "blamey" so I backed off and went formal to avoid confrontation, I have opened up a dialogue with her today via facebook chat, essentially throwing myself on her mercy, needless to say, its not going well she is intent on blaming me for her moving away.... somehow this is all my fault... *head-desk*

Step back.
Be very wary and think 3 times about a message before you send it.
Have only positive info in it.
Be amicable in writing.
Do not mention boyfriend.
mention children's needs as priority.
Be 2 faced if need be but be sweet and be very wary of her!!!!!
Don't dig your own GRAVE. xx
All written info can be used in court as evidence against you so BEWARE.!!

brenda10

Zully wrote: »

I checked with my lawyer, she would immediately lose her primary carer status because we would be under the same roof, we would resume joint carers again

She will have it all worked out, she sounds v angry, that what she wants, have no fall outs with her, she will use the angry episodes against you, stop, let her rant then calmly say your bit. She has it all cleverly planned for you to get angry etc, then ? call the police for assaulting her. KEEP COOL, play her at her own game, don't let her get he response in actions/words that she needs, do the opposite be NICE. IT WORKS!!!! It will totally take the wind out of her SAILS. You can do it.