Advice on the Ex and access to my kids

Zully

well that will take a little of the sting out of it... here's to hoping

Zully

well I decided to have a conversation with her last night to discuss some things and to try and get my point across, all completely moot, she has a deposit down and is moving within the next 2 weeks FML.....

Poppie68

You need to get a solicitor if she is refusing you access. Get the solicitor to send her a letter inviting her to mediation, if she refuses or ignores you will have to then go the court route to gain access and a contact order but you will have proof that you tried to get her into mediation in the first place ask them to send it recorded/registered.
It also a good idea to go onto the child support website and work out how much support you would be required to pay if she decides to go that route, set up a standing order titled Child Support and pay her through your bank. Not saying you have to pay the amount on the website but paying support and have proof will all help you in court, also the sooner you set it up the better it looks for you, and it's also better for you if she accepts the payments and does'nt go through the CSA.

Zully

Poppie68 wrote: »

You need to get a solicitor if she is refusing you access.

This is no longer the case, contact is being made available, but its infrequent, difficult in my current circumstances and about to be made even harder when she moves away

Poppie68 wrote: »

It also a good idea to go onto the child support website and work out how much support you would be required to pay.

I have been paying from the day I moved out, we worked out the amount from the site and I have been paying it without fail.


This post was more to do with the impending move and how I wont get to see my kids as often and how she isn't looking at the larger picture and whether or not I had any options to prevent her.


As I know I no longer have any options available.... im feeling a bit defeated and I suppose this is now more of a vent post...

BucksLady

Hi Zully. I was wondering if it might be worth writing your Ex a letter. You could explain exactly how you feel, particularly in respect of your children. As long as the letter was written in a kind way (as I'm sure it would be), it might just make your Ex stop in her tracks to consider matters again. I don't know your Ex, so can't guage her reaction, but a letter would take the 'heat' out of the situation. Points can be made in a very rational way. Hope this helps .

Zully

BucksLady wrote: »

Hi Zully. I was wondering if it might be worth writing your Ex a letter. You could explain exactly how you feel, particularly in respect of your children. As long as the letter was written in a kind way (as I'm sure it would be), it might just make your Ex stop in her tracks to consider matters again. I don't know your Ex, so can't guage her reaction, but a letter would take the 'heat' out of the situation. Points can be made in a very rational way. Hope this helps .

Ive already attempted similar in the past, she is too focused on the idea of her parents babysitting for her so she can go back to college and to get time to visit her new boyfriend in Sweden, sadly she is only caring about herself, everything else is secondary and has been since the split....

Zully

I sent her this: last month

"Dear XXXX

I am writing to you to implore to you that you not move to xxxxx, I understand that you believe that you are doing the right thing for the children, but I don’t think you are fully considering the long term impact of what you are planning on doing, in doing so, you will be creating additional complications to the relationship I will have with my children.

Unfortunately the situation that has been created has made it very difficult for me to explain what my intentions are and what I am going through, I don’t know if you realised this but I was looking into renting a 2 bed place so that I can accommodate the children for longer periods of time giving you the opportunity to get evenings and weekends off, the announcement that you were planning to move to xxxx left me unsure of how to proceed.

The only reason I have not been more involved with the children is because it was recommended by my therapist that if I am unable to set my emotions to one side that I distance myself from the situation until I have found a way to cope with it, this is why I got my father involved.

I hope this helps you understand that my actions have not been driven by me not wanting to, or trying to punish you, what I have had to endure over the last 7 months has been the single most difficult thing I have had to deal with and I have been finding it very hard, I hope that one day soon the pain I feel will subside and we can start interacting once more for the good of the children but currently I am still struggling.

I miss my children deeply and not a moment goes by when I don’t miss them.

I assure you that if you commit to staying in the local area, I will arrange appropriate accommodation and will be able to support you like we originally planned.

Please, I beg of you, reconsider your decision. "

it fell on deaf ears....

BucksLady

Thanks for sharing the letter Zully - sorry it fell on deaf ears.

My feeling is that the letter is too formal. I understand you have been extremely hurt and feel wounded by what has happened. However, at one time you enjoyed something special with your Ex, and with that in mind, I feel your letter should focus on the fact that although she's moved on and things have changed in respect of your relationship with her, what can stay the same is your relationship with your children. She may soften a little and go some way to resolving the issues you have. Just my take on the situation of course and I'm sure many people wouldn't agree with me

Zully

well the previous "emotional"versions of the letter seemed too aggressive and "blamey" so I backed off and went formal to avoid confrontation, I have opened up a dialogue with her today via facebook chat, essentially throwing myself on her mercy, needless to say, its not going well she is intent on blaming me for her moving away.... somehow this is all my fault... *head-desk*

FatVonD

I don't think you are going to be able to stop her moving so you have a couple of options.

Either you relocate as well or you firm up which weekends you will be having them and get booking accommodation in her new locale for those weekends.