Advice on the Ex and access to my kids

StuC75

Time to toughen up and get back in the property that you are paying for assuming there is the space for you to sleep in a separate room - as you are paying for the place and theres no reasonable reason to exclude you from there..

From there consider what is best for your long term happiness, my e x moved about a 1hour plus drive away after we split up, and yes I did briefly consider relocating, but then realised that wouldn't know anyone there, and who's to say that pattern wouldn't continue .. I also had another child so wasn't going to move away from him either..

In the end I chose to take on the mortgaged house we had , nailed down a realistic level of access and set about ensuring that I have a good home for the time that I have my children over.

cakeforbrains

Zully wrote: »

Oh sorry I misunderstood (read misread) what you meant then, yes, I appreciate that she did more of the day to day care of the children, im hoping it wont come to courts, but the more this goes on and the more she limits my access/makes it more difficult, the more I worry it will come to that.... and as you say, she will probably win anyway....

Hopefully it won't need to come to that and she will see that it is best for the children to see you regularly.

Zully

Hi Stu, believe you me, its my last resort and something im seriously considering, but she will do everything to make me move out, I wouldn't put it past her to fabricate abuse (as she has already done similar in the past to attempt to secure legal aid in the event it goes to court) and I don't really fancy antagonising her when she has so much power in terms of the kids, I honestly feel helpless.

Gigglepig

even if it is understandable that you are upset about her, you need to control your temper in front of the children - it is good that you are getting help with this. it is your responsibility to keep cool in front of your kids no matter what. (If you are not in control of your temper it is in my opinion reasonable and responsible of her to try to limit contact.)

Realistically, if she is the one who has spent most time with the kids while you have been working to provide financially, then it is unlikely that a court 'would take the kids of her'.

Regarding possibly moving to the new town - You dont need to make a decision about moving right away, what about giving it a few months to see how things go? If the distance really does not work, Maybe look for another great opportunity in your chosen career closer to them?

Try to think positively (very hard at times) and to keep amicable. Example - rather than angry thoughts that your ex's move may be about leaving the kids on her parents to see her new boyfriend, a more positive spin might be that it is very understandable that your ex wants to move closer to her family now that you have split up, and (unless her family are maniacs) the added support will benefit your kids.

It is early days yet so give things some time to settle. This is still new for all involved so hopefully things will be better soon.

BucksLady

Hi Zully, what a difficult situation for you and I hope you find a way forward really soon.
Obviously this whole set-up must be really upsetting and confusing, especially for your children. Surely, your ex should be able to see that you both need to be settled, if only for the children, and then work with you to make sure that this happens. I hate to say it, but it sounds as if she's only considering her own needs and happiness.

Poppie68

It all seems a bit of a mess and a shame things have got as bad as they have.

I'm nearly 100% positive(someone else may confirm) that if you are going for access/contact order that the courts require both you to of been through mediation before hand.
If you can persude her to attend mediation you may hopefully come to some amicable arrangement which will negate the need for court? Also both parties will have to pay the cost of mediation unless either one or both are in reciept of the required income related benefits.

Zully

Gigglepig wrote: »

even if it is understandable that you are upset about her, you need to control your temper in front of the children .

That's just it, I was fine until she would broach the subject of her and him or if I were to disagree with something she were doing with the kids, basically she would flare up as well and refuse to back down, essentially she has as much a problem with controlling her temper, its just I am the one getting stiffed so im slightly more volatile (or was)

Gigglepig wrote: »

Regarding possibly moving to the new town - You dont need to make a decision about moving right away .

its a good point, however most leases tend to have a minimum of 6 months, hence my reluctance to just lay down and take this, I hate the idea that yet again, I end up stiffed because of her selfishness and im locked in someplace with no options.

Gigglepig wrote: »

Try to think positively (very hard at times) and to keep amicable. .

I try, lord do I try, its getting easier, but its so hard not to covet what she has, im in a town where I don't know many people, very far from my own family, I live 3 streets away from my children but hardly get to see them, its tough.[/QUOTE]

Gigglepig wrote: »

It is early days yet so give things some time to settle. This is still new for all involved so hopefully things will be better soon.

Aye, however according to my ex from about 3 months onwards "its been 3 months, you should be over this by now!" lol


thank you for your kind words

Zully

BucksLady wrote: »

Hi Zully, what a difficult situation for you and I hope you find a way forward really soon.
Obviously this whole set-up must be really upsetting and confusing, especially for your children. Surely, your ex should be able to see that you both need to be settled, if only for the children, and then work with you to make sure that this happens. I hate to say it, but it sounds as if she's only considering her own needs and happiness.

Thank you Buckslady, I agree, the problem is, she doesn't see that she has done anything wrong, blames it all on "bad timing" and refuses to acknowledge that she has hurt me... badly, so therefore I have no right to get angry/upset, so now she is "doing what is right by her" forgetting how her decisions don't just hurt me, they are hurting the kids... its horrible.

Zully

Poppie68 wrote: »

It all seems a bit of a mess and a shame things have got as bad as they have.

I'm nearly 100% positive(someone else may confirm) that if you are going for access/contact order that the courts require both you to of been through mediation before hand.
If you can persude her to attend mediation you may hopefully come to some amicable arrangement which will negate the need for court? Also both parties will have to pay the cost of mediation unless either one or both are in reciept of the required income related benefits.

Im afraid you might be right on the mediation/contact order however I suspect I will be footing the bill regardless as I earn and she doesn't.

Poppie68

Zully wrote: »

Im afraid you might be right on the mediation/contact order however I suspect I will be footing the bill regardless as I earn and she doesn't.

I don't think you will be required to pay for the mother just your portion...not sure how it works but i think if she is on any listed benefits either her portion is waived or paid for by the benefits system (which i doubt).