Advice on the Ex and access to my kids

Zully

Hi there, I just signed up to this today so this is my first post.

I am stuck in a major dilemma, it’s a bit of an essay so I appreciate anyone reading through and offering advice, especially if they have been through similar themselves.

Ok, the back story, I hope you are sitting comfortably.

Basically, me and my ex were together 7 years, we have two children together, long story short, at xmas, she left me for my best friend.

I, thinking I was doing what was best for everyone, moved out of the house in the new year believing it was a temporary thing.

We then attempted to do the “friends” thing, however she would rub new relationship in my face and would prioritise her new beau over everything else, this would upset/anger me in front of the children and after a time, the “friendship” broke down. I attempted to arrange visits without her which she would refuse on the basis that I was “too unstable”. On the visits we would have together, you guessed it, she would rub her new relationship in my face and I would get upset, eventually I admitted myself into therapy and my therapist suggested I distance myself until I felt strong enough to deal with her baiting.

2 months on, I turned to my father for help, he started arranging visits so I could get access to my children, it was a difficult situation but now I get to see my children once a week for a few hours without her, but this isn’t enough.

A couple of months ago I contacted her to ask her to get my name off the lease on the house that she and the children live in so I can start renting my own place so I could have the kids for full weekends and more time during the week, she refused on the basis that she would be moving soon and that she planned to move over 2 and a half hours away. This put a stopper in my plans as if I went ahead with my plan, she could simply move away leaving me to pay rent for two properties and as I didn’t know what timeframes she had in mind, I could be stuck in a years tenancy but wanting to move to be with my children.

To make matters worse, I have been asked to vacate the room (as they are renovating) I am living in currently and have to be out by the end of the month.
So, this is the various information I have accumulated.

I contacted a mediation service, but it is REALLY expensive and as I am trying to save money to potentially find a new place to live, the reason I’m unsure about doing this is, all indications show that she is unlikely to change her mind as by moving she can utilise her parents so she can spend more time visiting her new beau (who lives in Sweden).

I contacted a lawyer who wants me to proceed with a contact order, this will not cost much more than the mediation service, this has the advantage of setting specific times and dates of when I can see my kids and potentially keep her in the local area, the disadvantage however is that she will likely fight this on principle and borrow money from her parents (something I do not have the luxury of) and is likely to create additional tension between us.

Another option is that I simply move back into the house with her and the kids at the end of the month, my name is still on the lease and I am still paying all the bills, so she has no legal rights to prevent me moving back in, this has some fairly significant benefits and disadvantages, firstly, she would instantly loose her primary carer status, she would also lose all benefits and I wouldn’t have to pay her maintenance, by losing primary carer status, her ability to relocate the children is made infinitely more difficult as both kids now attend school. However, she would make my life a living hell and would probably move in with her parents attempting to take the kids, I could get an emergency injunction to prevent this, but again, this would !!!! her off no end and would make life with her even harder than it is already.

I move the 2 and a half hours to be with them, the issue with this is that I have been working on my career for the past 5 years, I have less than 2 years to be where I want to be and I would be stupid to abandon this now, equally, I don’t earn enough to be able to commute 2 and a half hours to work, nor can I afford to rent two places.

Lastly, I just let her move, I don’t like this option as I don’t see my kids very often as it is and I hate it, this will make it even more difficult, she doesn’t drive and isn’t likely to put herself out in any way to help me, meaning I would have to drive for 10 hours every time I want to see my children bringing all the complications and costs that this entails, I hate the idea that I potentially would have to not see my children because I cannot afford to do so…

As much as I hate what she has done to me and my children, I cannot in all good conscience take the children away from her, when she isn’t obsessing about her new guy, she isn’t a bad mother and as I work full time, well, lets just say I want to do right by the kids.

If anyone has any advice or has been through similar and has something to say, I would greatly appreciate it.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

Would it be easier if the children were to live with you? Would that be an option.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

You can take your name of the lease simply by informing the landlord. You don't need her agreement to do this.

cakeforbrains

I'm not sure that you moving back in would take away her 'primary carer' status...

Zully

I would love that, however I wouldn't be able to live with her and paying for the childcare while I was at work (my son is 4 and my daughter is 2 so don't go to proper school yet) would be more than I can afford, plus as I said, I don't really want to take the kids away from mum, after writing this, I can see how someone might think im making excuses, but unlike her, I cant do that to my kids.

Zully

if I take my name off the lease, I would be effectively ending the tenancy before she has a new place to live, she hasn't worked for over 5 years and has very bad credit history

Zully

I checked with my lawyer, she would immediately lose her primary carer status because we would be under the same roof, we would resume joint carers again

cakeforbrains

Zully wrote: »

I checked with my lawyer, she would immediately lose her primary carer status because we would be under the same roof, we would resume joint carers again

Oh really, ok. It's been a long time since my divorce or any legal advice so I don't know. Isn't anything else, like who has provided the day-to-day care since each child's birth taken into account?

Anyway, sounds like it's a moot point since you say you won't be going for residency/custody anyway.

Zully

well I was sole provider for her and the kids for the kids entire lives, it has only been in the last 6 months where she has been looking after them on a "primary carer" basis which I only granted her because I thought I was doing right for all and stupidly moved out to help reduce tensions and to give her the space she said she needed.

cakeforbrains

Zully wrote: »

well I was sole provider for her and the kids for the kids entire lives, it has only been in the last 6 months where she has been looking after them on a "primary carer" basis which I only granted her because I thought I was doing right for all and stupidly moved out to help reduce tensions and to give her the space she said she needed.

In the eyes of the law you were both providing a family, regardless of who did or didn't earn a paycheque.

I was just speculating on whether, in a court setting, a judge faced with two 'joint carers' both wanting custody might prefer to keep the children with the parent who had consistently done the most actual day-to-day caring, so as to keep the status quo for the children. This was always my understanding of such things my I fully concede that I could well be very and utterly wrong!

Zully

cakeforbrains wrote: »

In the eyes of the law you were both providing a family, regardless of who did or didn't earn a paycheque.

I was just speculating on whether, in a court setting, a judge faced with two 'joint carers' both wanting custody might prefer to keep the children with the parent who had consistently done the most actual day-to-day caring, so as to keep the status quo for the children. This was always my understanding of such things my I fully concede that I could well be very and utterly wrong!

Oh sorry I misunderstood (read misread) what you meant then, yes, I appreciate that she did more of the day to day care of the children, im hoping it wont come to courts, but the more this goes on and the more she limits my access/makes it more difficult, the more I worry it will come to that.... and as you say, she will probably win anyway....