Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

Don't stop, tea lover. I'm in a 'listen to rambles' mood.

I have been using the bit on/bit off manta and a chirpy CD to get on with things. The floor and kitchen are now fairly clear but there are a few half done jobs dotted about the surfaces. I think I will break for a sandwich.

tealover, when you see your dad, try letting the emotions flow. I feel very wistful thinking about how lovely it would be to be able to go to 'dad' and just have a proper chat. My dad is alive and kicking but never interested in me, only in how my news affects him, or how he can use it to reinforce his opinion that I am crap.

I had a milestone moment today, after nearly 5 years on antidepressants and lifelong depression and anxiety. It was such a fleeting thing that I almost missed how important it was. I finally understood how people can carry on living after enormous heartbreak.(Nb. nothing bad has happened to anyone I know, but I have been over-analysing situations as usual in a daydreamy fashion and I realised for the first time when I was pondering some 'terrible' events that I didn't get stuck in the immediate aftermath but that there was still a potential of a hopeful, happy life. This is a huge thing - it shows how I am changing and accepting myself.

Off to make lunch.

Pyxis

Hi all! Just popping in briefly in between classes. Had a hospital appt first thing, 8.30, which was great as it doesn't mess up the day, then Zumba, then home to change etc., and off out again in 20 mins.

Looking forward to apple pie with cream when I finally get home!

Solarjunkie

Monday's Recovery Letter - (I hope I don't end up repeating them but I guess they may touch other people second time around if I do....)

From Princess of Tides

Dear You,
I am currently recovering from depression, and I’d like to share some thoughts with you that others shared with me before and that I found helpful.
When I am depressed my thinking switches into black and white. All or nothing. I tend to think that I am either going to fully recover, or not at all. This belief can be so strong that it takes away the ground under my feet. However, I think it is false.
In my experiences, recovery is a process. It may not have a clear beginning or end. It may start a while before you notice it is happening, and you may never be entirely sure that you’ve reached the end. Recovery is an experience that unfolds gradually over time. In that sense I think recovering from depression is different from recovering from an illness like the flu. There is no blood test or fever level that can mark a definite point in time when the patient is declared to have recovered. Sure, a psychiatrist may argue that you are no longer “clinically depressed” based on how you score on depression questionnaire, but in reality, we don’t go to bed with depression one night and wake up the next morning without it. Or at least I don’t.
I can say with confidence that I am recovering. It is much more daunting to declare that I have recovered.
One of my many therapists, Mr G, was the one who taught me about this. He told me to focus on the process rather than the desired outcome. I spent a lot of time despairing when I wondered whether I would ever recover. “I will never recover, so what’s the point? I can’t do this any more”, is what I used to think. It took a seven-week stay in a psychiatric hospital that offered intensive therapy for me to start directing my attention towards what I could do right now, in that moment, in order to continually remain recovering.

I have printed off the word “process” in big letters and put it up above my desk. It is easy to forget. When I am having a bad day, I sometimes think that I have failed. That this is it. Recovery over. I used to think that being recovered means having climbed onto a very high beam. Once you’ve made it there, you are on top of the world. The view will be spectacular. But you can fall off in an instance and you end up at the very bottom, broken.
I don’t think it is like that any more. Recovery is more like a steady climb along a winding path up a mountain. I can’t see the end, but that’s not really that important. Why focus on imagining what the view might be like when I finally get there? These days I try to focus on every step as I am taking it, and on what the view is like right now. Some days I walk faster than others. Some days I need to rest and see where I am. Some days I might stumble backwards a few steps. But that doesn’t mean I have fallen off the beam. I am still on the same road of recovery. I know this because even though every setback hurts, I no longer think that all is lost. I remember I am still on that road, and I can take steps forward again. Knowing this is my recovery.
Princess of Tides

whitewing

I like all the recovery letters, solarjunkie, but that is a particularly good one for me.

I am messing around looking at Christmas catalogues now. What a pleasure to browse, but completely unnecessary as I have bought nearly all my presents anyway.

codemonkey

Hello all.

This is a pretty good blog, and the post I've linked to really spoke to me about depression. It may be a bit penguiny for some though - there's a bit about suicidal thoughts.

It's a particularly dreich Monday here which isn't doing much for my mood. However, I have some new clothes and in 3 hours I get to go home for dumbass dog cuddles.

I so need to clean my house. It honestly looks like I've been burgled.

lostinrates

I love that word " dreich. ".

My dogs are fed and we're just waiting for a little less light to put the birds away. They might well be in now, ( current lot go to bed early at the moment) but its light enough to leave them a bit longer.

I've been more restrained than I thought with house budget spending recently and so today I was able to call and ask for quotes for the woodburner in the study. And i might be able to get a mirror and shower door in the bathroom too depending on those quotes.

codemonkey

Yay lir. It's always good when a plan comes together. I'm on a mission to get my wee house sorted out. It's tiny, it has no storage space and the person who lived there before us seemed obsessed with light terracotta and I want rid of it all. The only problems are lack of money and lack of DIY skills and that we've spent years sorting out dodgy DIY from the last people.

I have my eye on the kitchen now. Its a big room but there are few cupboards and limited storage so its always messy. It is also light terracotta with terracotta tiles so that needs to go.

lostinrates

codemonkey wrote: »

Yay lir. It's always good when a plan comes together. I'm on a mission to get my wee house sorted out. It's tiny, it has no storage space and the person who lived there before us seemed obsessed with light terracotta and I want rid of it all. The only problems are lack of money and lack of DIY skills and that we've spent years sorting out dodgy DIY from the last people.

I have my eye on the kitchen now. Its a big room but there are few cupboards and limited storage so its always messy. It is also light terracotta with terracotta tiles so that needs to go.

We have a temporary kitchen but I love it. Its made up of : an alter and a chest of drawers and a dishwasher which form an island, then the wall behind is a big cupboard ( for linen or something really), a cooker, a butchers Block and another cupboard. A fridge is at one end wall.

That's the cooking bit ( no sink in the kitchen, but you get used to it)

Other end there is a small Victorian scrub top table a huge old sofa and an old stable trunk....and the fireplace.

It might have concrete floors, it might not have a sink, but its still lovely I think. I feel like I can live with my temporary kitchen for years and years.

codemonkey

lostinrates wrote: »

We have a temporary kitchen but I love it. Its made up of : an alter and a chest of drawers and a dishwasher which form an island, then the wall behind is a big cupboard ( for linen or something really), a cooker, a butchers Block and another cupboard. A fridge is at one end wall.

That's the cooking bit ( no sink in the kitchen, but you get used to it)

Other end there is a small Victorian scrub top table a huge old sofa and an old stable trunk....and the fireplace.

It might have concrete floors, it might not have a sink, but its still lovely I think. I feel like I can live with my temporary kitchen for years and years.

It sounds lovely. I love a lovely, big, eclectic kitchen. Mine is just...orange. And messy. I loved the kitchen in my old flat. It was huge. Didn't have many cupboards but had a lovely big pantry and a window seat and a fireplace and the wood floors were warm because of the heating pipes underneath. I think its important to like your kitchen, and I just don't.

I know what I want in my head, I just don't know how to make it work in practice.

lostinrates

codemonkey wrote: »

I think its important to like your kitchen, and I just don't.

Exactly, huge difference between our situations. My last kitchen I painted the units which helped a lot.

Its incredible how much colour improves outlook.

One of the reasons I think its interesting what imagery what imagery, literature, music etc we surround our selves with is, like colour, regard less of aesthetic I am pretty sure this can have impact on how we we feel. I don't think some one who loves black will be cheered or their soul soothed by a baby pink kitchen, but I think there are colours worth looking at that might be more uplifting than black and not aggravating to a personal aesthetic.

If terracotta brings you down you should obliterate it.

Farrow and ball have a good page on colour choice depending on which way the light comes from....( even if you don't buy your paint from them )