Just needed to be heard for a little while

elsien

Maybe because its something that you really want to do and fit in with, you're more hyper aware of what's going on and are thinking about it more than you would if you were less fussed about being a part of it?

Pyxis

Yes, I'm sure that's part of it too.
Just as I can always negotiate for a price reduction on something I'm not bothered about, but am hopeless when it's just the exact thing I want!

Waves_and_Smiles

Have a hug, Pyxis. I too, relate to that. I used to be very bubbly in small groups but stand back more in larger ones and then it would feel as if everyone was involved and I stood there on the sidelines. It can feel very lonely.

Here we go for Group Psycho-Dynamics 101. Often in big groups the scenario works like this. There are always smaller groups within larger groups. When people first join a new group everyone goes out of their way to make them feel comfortable and focuses (oh, the fascination of a new person). Once one is part of a group for a while people slip more into their previous way of doing things, and gravitate back to previous friendships that make them feel safe (this is NOTHING to do with you, it is how large groups work)-this is always the hard part for me. If one can stick with it through this stage then individuals will start becoming more talkative to you as an individual, not as the newbie, and you gradually become part of another group within the large group, possibly a brand new one. Group dynamics are constantly in flux and new groups forming and sub groups of those and so it continues, as it is now is not how it will stay.

We know that you are funny, warm, caring and intelligent and there is NO reason why anyone wouldn't want to interact with you. Please stick with it and gradually you will be absorbed into a new little group of like-minded people. It is easy to feel down until that happens (I have been known to flee) but if you stick with it at the next stage is when the real friendships are formed. It WILL happen, there are elements of this behaviour in all large groups, just hang in there for a bit longer and have a good old vent to us if you need it and keep being your usual self even if you have to paint a bit of a smile on. You are an extremely likeable person, there is no reason at all why people wouldn't want to have your company. Have another hug and remember how special you are to us..

Pyxis

Oh thank you WaS! :kisses3:

And thanks for the Large Group analysis. I had noticed that there were groups within the group, but hadn't come across an explanation of these dynamics before.

In fact, the very presence of such well-defined factions came as a bit of a shock, given that what we do depends so much on the close interaction between the members of the group as a whole.

So maybe this is another learning curve for me! The fact that I have never worked in a corporate environment probably explains my naivetè about large group dynamics. Very interesting.

What would we do without this thread-fount of knowledge, eh?

Waves_and_Smiles

All groups are the same but it is particularly visible in large groups. Going back we all still have the tribal instincts of what makes us feel safe and we unconsciously follow those and most group dynamics work to the same pattern. A little something you might want to do is stand back and observe the interactions, people will fit into certain roles and in each sub group there will be similar personalities types that fulfil these roles.

I learnt this by taking a two week intensive group psycho-dynamics course. There were only four lectures and we all had to stay overnight in the building for the duration of the 2 weeks. Other than the lectures there was no teaching at all. They would split us into varying groups with a therapist and observer and sit us in a room for 3 days with no agenda and let us do and say whatever we wanted, we could sit in silence if we chose to. Now, we were all therapeutically trained but you wouldn't believe the fights that broke out! I remember one over opening a window, it ended up in a 3 hour argument! Another memorable incident was two guys falling out and one accidentally touching their shoe to another and one saying "Watch what you are doing with your big black boots!" To which the other replied "Oh, we are being racist now!" Now remember we were all therapists and meant to be able to control our reactions, yeah, all of that went out of the window and we resorted to our unconscious instincts. Because we had to stay overnight there was no escape from anyone so you had to deal with whatever came up, there was a physical fight once! (There were therapists dotted about the place to help with these incidents). But the course was magnificent, it taught us all so much about how groups work and how we reacted within them. I would recommend anyone with an interest takes one, although not an intensive one unless you are doing it for your profession because it is very hard to cope with, as it is meant to be. It can be very scary at times but you will never look at groups the same way again.

Take this as a learning curve. Stand back and observe how people interact and in no time you will become part of a group, too. Then you will likely become part of a sub-group, as well and have lots of friends in no time. We believe in you!

Pyxis

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I learnt this by taking a two week intensive group psycho-dynamics course. There were only four lectures and we all had to stay overnight in the building for the duration of the 2 weeks. Other than the lectures there was no teaching at all. They would split us into varying groups with a therapist and observer and sit us in a room for 3 days with no agenda and let us do and say whatever we wanted, we could sit in silence if we chose to. Now, we were all therapeutically trained but you wouldn't believe the fights that broke out! I remember one over opening a window, it ended up in a 3 hour argument! Because we had to stay overnight there was no escape from anyone so you had to deal with whatever came up, there was a physical fight once! (There were therapists dotted about the place to help with these !

Oooh! Scary! Suddenly being a hermit on an island looks very attractive!

Seriously though, good idea to observe the group. I think I'll 'act' the part of a researcher observing group dynamics for, say, a TV programme, and then I'll be killing two birds with one stone!

Waves_and_Smiles

Yes, do! Make it a game for yourself, and watch how people interact. It will help give you confidence as well as you watch how seriously petty some group interactions can be. Also remember you are not waiting to be part of a group, you are choosing your group, too. There will be people you don't feel comfortable with and you as much as anyone else can choose not to interact. You are not powerless here, you have the choice of who you would want as a friend. Instead of thinking there are 40 people here of whom I am waiting to be my friends flip it, you have a choice of 40 people who you could choose to make your friend if you wish to. Isn't that more exciting?

Pyxis

A very good way of looking at it!:)

What a gal!

I'd forgotten how exhausting this feeling horrid is....... I decided to stay in bed all day as I was so tired due to feeling like this, so I went out this morning to buy cake and took it back to bed. I know I shouldn't use cake, but I did anyway! Sometimes you do have to have a day off from the world!

Hopefully, now, I'll feel better tomorrow!

Many thanks everybody! :A

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, your'e welcome. I used to hate groups, more than 2 people and I'd panic. I still cringe a bit but I found that knowledge of what was happening within the various interactions helped me a lot. In this case knowledge really is power and sometimes it is quite fun to stand back and observe. Make the most of this time, soon you will be part of your own group and it won't be so obvious to you. This is your opportunity to suss people out, it won't happen again. Choose your new friends wisely and remember you do have a choice. Oh, and do share anything amusing if you feel comfortable doing that! There are bound to be amusing bits! I was voted the person most likely to do something hilariously unexpected on my therapy course, one guy said he could imagine me looking all serious and then suddenly jumping up and dancing on the table and people agreed with him! That was an interesting observation of how I come over in groups!

Pyxis

Yes. It'll be a bit like the first time I went to a social gathering unable to drink any alcohol due to driving. Virtually everyone else was living within walking distance so they could let their hair down. It was very amusing watching people slowly become inebriated, and to be honest, despite the jollity, it was an eye-opener to what alcohol does to people. And I'm not talking blind drunk, just that slight drop in coherence and slight slurring of speech.
I don't like drinking in public now! (I do drink some alcohol at home, but it makes me feel hot these days, so I don't like to drink much.)

Plus I find I don't need it to have fun! I went away at Xmas with a friend, and she knows I don't drink in public situations, and she said I was so 'merry' that people would think I'd had half a bottle of wine! But she knew I hadn't had any! It's a lot cheaper, too!

What I mean is, being in observer mode will be fun!