Giving Money To Family Members

marisco_2

PennySaving wrote: »

This week he has asked my husband for £2000.00 as he doesn’t have anything. My point is – why doesn’t he have any money when he doesn’t really have any outgoings? My husband and I have worked tirelessly to get ourselves out of a hole whilst still being good parents to our 3. Would you be irritated?

Don't waste time and energy feeling irritated by someone basically trying their luck. Simply politely decline his request, then remind him that as an adult he is responsible for managing his own budget, and should not see yourself and your husband as 'the bank of mum and dad'

Spirit_2

We give/lend relatives money often. One is on a very limited income, they cannot improve their situation and we have a standing order ever 4 weeks to transfer money as a gift. It is to help maintain her pretty basic life style (my family).

Recently we were asked to loan a relative (his family) money towards a house deposit and we chose to gift half of it and lend the balance.

We contribute to significant spends for our adult daughter .

So overall I am in favour of sharing family resources where you can afford it, want to do it and are happy/not bothered with what the money is spent on.

In your case I am not clear on whether you can afford it, you do not want to/your OH does/you are not happy with what it will be spent on. It sound like you have shared financial responsibilities so should make this decision jointly, but be prepared for your OH to be more sympathetic to his son's cause.

The questions that I would ask if this money is to continue living a life beyond his means why is it 'only' £2000? How long will the £2000 last?

What is going to happen that means he will not run out of money again?

If it is a loan, and he cannot afford his life now, how will he afford repayments to you and how will you make sure they happen? What will you do if it goes wrong and how will you keep relations going?

The house deposit loan we made is interest free and being paid back to us via a monthly standing order over a number of years. We set a start date into the future when their cash flow will be settled.

We have loaned money on a similar basis in the past, and the individual stopped repaying and stopped communicating with us. It was very awkward as we kept their confidence. At one point their parent told us how pleased they were thet we had helped X and glad that X had now paid us back. I decided to tell them that X had not, and that what bothered me most was that X had stopped communicating with us so birthday/christmas gifts for their child not acknowledged.. It was awkward, caused a family row. The debt was never repaid, we were OK- ish about writing it off, we got an apology about the lack of comms, but I still do not quite like this indiv as much as I used to (my relative).

BigAunty

Yes, even without your background of striving to pay off debts and going without, I would be annoyed that someone with a decent disposable income and no accommodation or food costs would ask me for a loan.

You'd also have to wonder how much debt they are in that they can't seemingly get an overdraft or loan for 2k?

It seems that you aren't irritated with your husband, yet he doesn't share your values? Do you feel like contacting your son in law directly and saying 'well, your dad is happy with it but from my point of view I think it is disgusting that you have squandered your income and are tapping us when it is not an emergency and you should have your own savings to cover rainy days anyway. I don't want you to scrounge from your dad again, man up. I don't want you to think that just because your dad folded at your request that we are now your bank and you have been cheeky enough now, don't ask again'.

maman

DH and I are fortunately in the position where we can make gifts to our DDs. We just give them a cheque every now and then if we anticipate they've got an expense coming up just to help them out or sometimes just as a treat. The difference is we don't feel obliged and they never ask.


I've never made a loan to anyone. Fortunately I don't seem to know anyone who's ever needed to ask.


What's also very relevant is that we have two DDs and we'd never give to one without the other. Both of them lived with us as adults for a while, rent free as they were saving for house deposits and it was a way we could help them..


OP in your situation I'd definitely say no as this young man is asking for money just to fund an extravagant lifestyle. And why should he, an adult with an income, have £2 000 for that when your dependent (I assume) children aren't having £2 000 each spent on them. I wouldn't even consider a loan. It's not as if he's in a mess over redundancy or ill health or something beyond his control. No, he's spent his own money and wants to start on yours. Definitely not.

cazziebo

Yes, I'd be irritated. Would I give him the money - that depends. There's always more to the story.

If you have been married for 17 years then I guess the first relationship broke up when the son was quite young? There are three other children who have had the benefit of having a father present, a happy home and family. What was the nature of the father /son relationship? if he didn't visit when he was home then guess it wasn't strong.

The son earned a good salary in what sounds like a good job. Sounds like he worked hard, played hard. £2k isn't a huge amount of money to someone with this lifestyle so I'd wonder what he wants it for. Downpayment on a car? Buy an engagement ring? Bad night at the casino?

This is really between father and son - although if you have joint finances then you should be consulted. However, I'd be careful of taking a your child/our children stance. You never know what your joint children might ask for in the future.

FWIW, I regularly help out a particular family member who is currently having huge difficulties through absolutely no fault of her own. DH and I also help other family members who just don't seem to be able to organise their money. I'm a bit tougher with my own two DDs because they should be managing on their own (although will sometimes put a surprise in their account)

That's what families do in my world.

FBaby

Thank you everyone for your replies. Basically the money will be to continue to fund his lifestyle. Yes, my husband does want to give him the money.

Are you sure that is the case? Could something be up but your step-son asked his dad not to mention it to you? I find it odd that your husband who clearly seemed on the same wavelength than you in regards to savings could be so keen to loan his son money that he knows will just be dwindled away.

I get the feeling that there is something going on that you have not been made aware of.

PennySaving

My husband's first marriage broke up when his son was 17. (My husband was a young father but had been a great dad to him for those 17 years). The £2K really is just a slush fund for him to use probably for the next couple of weeks until he gets paid. I do know that he also borrows from other family members and friends who live here in the UK whilst he is overseas. Its almost like payday loan lending but without the extravagant interest rates!

I'm all for family, always have been. I've helped out close family members before but there has always been a payment plan put into place, not at my request but theirs.

GobbledyGook

I think it would entirely depend on how he was likely to pay it back.

My BIL occasionally borrows money from me/us for things I think are a complete waste of money (mostly if something he's saving for goes on special offer so he'd be saving on what he would have spent, if that makes sense). I also thing he has very, very little to show for his salary, but he believes the random gadgets and endless nights out with his mates are worth it and it's his cash so that's what counts. However he always pays back every single penny. It's never late, there's never any question of him paying it late or 'forgetting'.

So if he's likely to pay it back and it's just to tide him over, and you can afford it then I'd lend him it. Especially as it doesn't sound like it's a regular occurrence. If he's not likely to pay it back or you don't have it then I wouldn't.

skattykatty

Have you made your feelings known to your husband? I would say that ANY time anybody asks for a loan you only give if you are, as close to, 100% prepared and okay NOT to get it back. It sounds like there is a great deal of resentment already and I wonder how that would impact your relationships? Is there a middle way? Give less? It does sound very frustrating.

growler834

Sorry for the situation you find yourself in Penny Pinching as I have been there & got the T shirt with my stepson who also lives abroad.

All I can suggest is that, should hubby be adamant that he wants to give his son some money, you agree for him to give £1000 - hubby's half of your joint savings. No point saying it's a loan & expecting it to be paid back because it won't happen - it's amazing how a few thousands of miles separation affects a son's memory when it comes to paying one's debts. Make sure that you stipulate, to hubby & stepson, that no further money will be available in the future & stick to your word.