Giving Money To Family Members

PennySaving

I am looking for some unbiased comments on my present situation with my step-son which has really, really irritated me this week.
Sorry it’s a long story…….

3 years ago my husband’s business partnership ended bitterly and we were left to re-mortgage our house to pay off the business debts. At the time this put us under financial strain. (We have 3 children of our own). I went back to work full time, relied upon my mother to help with out children and basically worked every hour possible, 7 days a week. My husband also worked minimum of 60-70 hours a week just to keep our heads above water.

Fast forward 3 years we have successfully paid off £15,000 from the re-mortgage, a huge loan, a car loan and a credit card. I actively read MSE for all the tips, kept spreadsheets and have listened to all the great advice given by members. We have a lived a frugal lifestyle, not really going out or socialising as I hated being in debt so much and knew many sacrifices had to be made.

My step-son has lived abroad for roughly 7 years during which time he has lead a very hedonistic lifestyle. At one point he was very wealthly but either gambled or drank it all away. He does work and the company he works for pays his rent and also provides all meals. He would fly home roughly once a year to visit friends and family but we would rarely see him as he would continue his ‘lifestyle’ in the UK.

This week he has asked my husband for £2000.00 as he doesn’t have anything. My point is – why doesn’t he have any money when he doesn’t really have any outgoings? My husband and I have worked tirelessly to get ourselves out of a hole whilst still being good parents to our 3. Would you be irritated?

Thank you for reading.

whitewing

Yes, I would be irritated. Is your husband wanting to give him the money?

Mojisola

PennySaving wrote: »

My step-son has lived abroad for roughly 7 years during which time he has lead a very hedonistic lifestyle. At one point he was very wealthly but either gambled or drank it all away. He does work and the company he works for pays his rent and also provides all meals. He would fly home roughly once a year to visit friends and family but we would rarely see him as he would continue his ‘lifestyle’ in the UK.

This week he has asked my husband for £2000.00 as he doesn’t have anything.

Just say no and offer to point him towards ways he could manage his money better.

susieq87

Before giving him this money did you ask him what he needs it for? We don't know him to answer than question but if he's old enough to live away from him he's old enough to have a decent discussion about money with his father whom he wants to borrow from. You said that he gambles and drinks, maybe that's where his money goes. Not everyone is financially smart and some people do not know struggle so he has no incentive to change. If you and you s/o give him this money you should be prepared to not getting it back.

balletshoes

he can ask all he likes - and i'd be really irritated if your husband decided to give him the money. But how other people choose to live their lives, spend their money, get into debt etc isn't a source of irritation to me, unless it impacts on my life - and unless you and your husband are going to give him the £2000, it doesn't impact on your lives, does it?

Primrose

I would be very irritated too. We all have lifestyle choices but have to live with consequences of them. Your stepson should do the same. I appreciate that your husband is torn between a rock and a hard place, with a conflict between keeping his son happy and upsetting his wife but your stepson is no longer a child and sooner or later must face the consequences of the thoughtless lifestyle he is living.

Would it be possible to make a compromise and for your husband to make him a loan of the money, pointing out the sacrifices you have made to get yourselves financially back on track and get your stepson to make a written promise to repay the loan within an agreed period before any money is laid to him upfront. I know you would rather not loan any money in the first place but a written commitment to a loan repayment might get your stepson to think seriously about his lifestyle going forward and prevent resentment building up between your husband and yourself as he also needs to realise he has you to thank for your financial support in getting yourselves out of earlier difficulties.

Tiddlywinks

What does he need the money for? That would be my first question.

Is it urgent? Because he's lost his job or being relocated or whatever?

He hasn't had the opportunity to learn how to budget or hasn't been that way inclined in the past... maybe your OH could sit down with him (Skype if necessary) and talk it through.

This is the first time he's asked for help... If you can help then, he's family, so why not?

PennySaving

Thank you everyone for your replies. Basically the money will be to continue to fund his lifestyle. Yes, my husband does want to give him the money.

Thank you Primrose for your reply. Its really helped and I think my husband should point out to him how we had struggled and that there needs to be a cut off date when the money should be re-paid. I guess what irks me is the fact we have worked our way out of a hole.

I won't allow it to cause a rift between my husband and I as we have been through so much in 17 years but I would really appreciate it if my husband saw my point of view. £2000 is a lot of money to me!

Billie-S

WOW this is annoying, and I have met plenty of people like this; my husband's brother for example. He squandered multiple ten of thousands of pounds over the years and was ALWAYS going back to their mother, much to the fury of me and my husband. And the silly moo always gave into him, and gave him money. THEN when she ran out of money, he started asking her to borrow money for him, as his bank (and several others he tried,) wouldn't give him any more money.

It's a long story, but the upshot is that yes it IS annoying, and I would be peed off if I were you Pennysaving. And this kind of thing does cause conflict when it comes to step families.

Not sure what you can do, not gonna lie.

Keep us updated.

whitewing

If you do 'loan' it, then brace yourself for never getting it back (which potentially could work out better than him paying it back and then borrowing more at a later date that he fails to return).

Mojisola

PennySaving wrote: »

We have 3 children of our own

My step-son has lived abroad for roughly 7 years during which time he has lead a very hedonistic lifestyle.

This week he has asked my husband for £2000.00 as he doesn’t have anything.

PennySaving wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies. Basically the money will be to continue to fund his lifestyle. Yes, my husband does want to give him the money.

I won't allow it to cause a rift between my husband and I as we have been through so much in 17 years but I would really appreciate it if my husband saw my point of view. £2000 is a lot of money to me!

Good luck if you can not resent the money being handed over to a waster. This won't be the last time.

What's their father going to say to the other three children when they ask for money as well?