Feel like I want to cry

Primrose

Socialising is a skill which doesn,t come easily to a lot of people so don't berate yourself. However, perhaps try over a period of months to train yourself to be more outgoing with other people, just training yourself gently to talk to them about general things, ie weather, issues of the day, sport or whatever takes your interest. You may find that as you increase your confidence, you may find bigger social events less intimidating. Just accept they people are different and often couples have different levels of social engagement. You may on occasions have to agree with your partner that some events will not work successfully jointly but try to do this on an amiable basis, and perhaps try to build up your friendship network by joining activity groups in which you have an interest so you can mix and engage with people with whom you have something in common. You don't have to be joined at the hip socially and it's good to have your own identities on a few occasions if your interests are different. Sometimes though you may have to grit your teeth in the interests of harmony and do things together even if they are activities you may not enjoy.

martin2345uk

Thank you all for the kind words and the advice also. I'm feeling a lot better now, I've had a cat cuddle, gorged on malted milk biscuits and watched trash on TV.

catkins

Another one here who doesn't like parties etc. I am fine with family and small groups of friends but a room full of people I don't know makes me feel sick!


I used to stress about it and get upset but as I have got older (now almost 60) I just accept it's the way I am. I was very very shy as a youngster and people commenting on it didn't help. The amount of times I got a supposedly jokey comment like "Oh stop talking so much and let someone else get a word in" when I had not said barely a word. I used to go bright red with embarrassment and go home and cry.


I am nowhere near as shy now but, as I say, I don't like things like parties, weddings etc. Work Christmas parties used to fill me with dread and I absolutely hated the ones I did go to. I just felt out of place and boring while everyone around me was getting drunk (I barely drink), joking around, dancing etc. I would get sarcastic comments and people must have realised how uncomfortable I was and yet when I started making excuses not to go I would still get sarcastic/nasty comments.


My OH is far more outgoing than me although he has never liked parties thankfully.

Yorkie1

I'm not keen either on big do's, but one thing which made them feel less overwhelming was my realisation and acceptance that, usually, they weren't about me so people generally wouldn't notice what I was doing (or not doing) - i.e. that there was less need for me to worry what others thought about me.

Another thing I also came to realise is that most people are more than happy to talk about themselves, so if you have a few questions up your sleeve (fairly standard ones) to ask others, they'll probably fill the time doing all the talking and then think you're a really great person for making them feel good about themselves.

Big generalisations, I know, but you do get better at deflecting the questions back and thus relieving the pressure to perform.

Hope you each had good evenings, OP.

gwynlas

What you need to do is decide beforehand what invitations you feel you can accept and what situations would make it a no no and stick to it. Be honest with the person who is inviting you, invite them for a drink or meal so you are engaging with a group size you are comfortable with.:AYou like other halves friend so will go to birthday meal, but maybe larger groups feel daunting. I know couples where sometimes one sometimes both turn up and it is accepted if it is good enough for Will & Kate etc. Does your partner feel a bit of a gooseberry going alone? I don't talk much to people I don't know and find it difficult to follow conversations in noisy places so often feel disadvantaged so will occasionally turn up to things but then slope off early. If your partner is happy to stay and socialise that would be good, could you come back later to give him a lift home?If you believe this is a major disadvantage in your life then you need to seek remedies such as group counselling.

martin2345uk

Cheers all, some good advice in this thread for me to work through :-)


I did have a nice evening in the end and so did the OH so all's well that ends well I guess..

Mercenary

Don't worry, there are a lot of us around.

I'm another antisocial type. I've had years of my family telling me to stop being so shy, to just go and talk to other people and to try to stop going red from embarrassment. I've never felt that I have anything to contribute to conversations.
I get a migraine from the pressure of having to even contemplate going out to meet other people socially and I hate having to get even minimally dressed up.
I also don't like alcohol so that is no use to me while everybody else is drinking and getting more relaxed and more chatty (mostly about stuff that I'm not interested in like sport or tv reality shows). Essentially, by then, I'm bored to tears and wish I could read a book or go play on my computer.

I've finally almost got everyone to realise that I'm happier if they go out without me and stop trying to force me to endure uncomfortable events.

Accept what you're comfortable with and what you're not . Tell everyone else that they are entitled to enjoy themselves in their own way......as you are.... in your way.

belfastgirl23

Gotta say I feel a bit for your DH. I do totally understand dreading these things but I guess I feel a bit differently from the others. I've been the partner who ended up going to something on my own because DH got into a snit beforehand and it's horrible, not only going alone but also going on the wrong end of a tiff. I ended up at a wedding once on my own - a friend of mine more than his - and it really upset me, I'd never have left him to do something like that without me. Never mind the having to make excuses for what looked like bad manners to my friends.

I'd just caution, exercise the right to be an introvert carefully and sparingly. And as someone above said, remember it's not all about you!

sax11

Add me to the list of anti social people

can think of nothing worse than going somewhere and having to make pointless small talk to people you don't know, like or have nothing in common with

This was one of the reasons cited in my divorce why the ex was !!!!ed off, but if you knew her family, i would rather be watching paint dry

lilmissreading

Ugh, how stressful.

There's two options:

1) Do as gwylnas suggests and plan beforehand which events you are going to so your OH doesn't have to unexpectedly have to deal with you not going. As someone who was previously in a relationship with someone who refused to socialise with my friends or family in the 20 months we dated, as the other person it felt like a rejection of me and my friends which I found very hurtful. If I had known he felt shy or unconfident it would have been much easier to deal with. Plus we could have worked on managing it together.

2) Look ino the social anxiety side as someone else recommended. Again not saying you have it, but those sorts of websites are likely to have some really good ideas for how to cope. For example not thinking of big social events as having to cope with 200 people as no one can talk to that many people but an event of 5-10 people tops. Or take a friend of your own along to OH's bday?

Good luck - ultimately if you speak to OH and really thrash it out it will hopefully make it easier to re-visit in the future as you will both have agreed on how you are going to manage it together. After all it's affecting him as much as you and might not be affecting you as much if it wasn't affecting him!