feels like I really need a change

lookback

Hello All,

I would really appreciate some advice.

I have been with my girlfriend for around 4 years now. Things are ok but not great. We try to look after each other (she cooks, I clean, she listens and advises me when I have a bad day at work and I try do the same...etc) and I really appreciate having some company but that is all there is. I don't love her and don't see a future together. I sometimes feel extremely guilty for playing her along and then I try not to think too much into it and hope I will learn to love her or accept that this is what the type of relationship is.

I believe she likes me a lot more than I like her (which might not be true but its just the feeling I get). We have lots of minor arguments and sex between us is really bad (or should I say non-existent). We are quite opposite people and don't have a great deal to talk about on a deeper level. Money between us is a bit of a strange issue. We don't have a joint account and split more or less everything so sometimes I feel like I am with a mate rather than my partner. We went out for my birthday meal recently and even split the bill for that which felt a bit strange but I didn't say anything. We hardly give gifts to each other or things like that and their is very little romance or chemistry between us however we are their for each other.

I think we have stayed together more because of convenience rather than anything else - neither of us have family her and we have very few friends (in fact I don't think I have any friends here). Our lives have become very routine, wake up, go work, come home, go gym, watch tv, eat, drink, sleep and then it starts all over again and it has started to make me feel really low, specially as all my mates from back home seem to getting married and moving on with life and I still feel extremely lost.

A part of me feels like I need to escape and need a change. I was feeling a bit low and when I hit the big 30 and though it was because of work, so quit my job, went travelling for a bit to find myself (which was a bit overrated) and changed jobs. I was doing ok for a while but a year on I feel the same as I did before.

I have been seriously considering quitting my job, breaking up my partner and moving to Australia to study in the next two months (I should mention I have a Australian passport). I am fed up of how things are playing out and kind of feel like I want to start living again. I have been working really hard for several years, live fairly frugally and try save hard. My job here is not bad, it pays well and it can be rewarding however I am a bit burnt out and a bit over it as I work nearly every day (some weeks 7 days but not ft). I have tried to cut down my shift but then end up working lots again as I start to feel guilty and also I have to admit the money drives me.

I have managed to save around 70K so money is not a big issue and I should be able to support myself if I did move and not have to work for a while. Another part of me says I am being stupid and should continue working, save money, buy a house, get married and stop kidding myself - I am no longer in my early twenties and should play my part.

What do you guys think?

Tygermoth

Originally i was going to say go for it! then read that you had travelled before and nothing changed.

That tells me the problem is with you rather than where you are in the world.

So my advice would be to start looking inward and make changes, rather than be outward bound as you will just take your troubles with you.

bagpussbear

I'd go for it. You have no children, and life is too short.

You have a bit of money of behind you, so if things didn't pan out like you hoped, you could move back.

FBaby

I'd go for it too. It's natural to start to think that if you are feeling comfortable with someone, it is ok, but it isn't. You realise that when you finally fall in love with someone and wake up every morning thinking how much you love them, can't wait to be with them again, want to make future plan with them, and just find life wonderful just because they are in your life.

I didn't feel like this until my late 30s, but gosh am I glad I didn't settle for less. You seem still young and still many opportunities to feel that you are making the best of your life. Go for it. As for your girlfriend, as you realise yourself, it isn't fair to string her along letting her believe you love her and maybe let her think you have a future together. 4 years is starting to be a long time when commitment would be the next stage. However painful it will be for her, ultimately, it is the fair thing to do.

FBaby

Just to add, if my husband, then boyfriend had told me after 4 years together that he didn't think he loved me and didn't see a future together, I would have been deeply hurt and distressed as I loved him so much and wanted a future together, but ultimately, even right from the start, I would have been grateful for him telling me and setting me free rather than keeping me believe he felt and wanted the same than me.

Peater

I think you've answered your own questions in your OP.

You're obviously not happy in your current situation, but don't invest too much belief in chasing rainbows either because it'll hurt even more if things don't magically 'fall into place' after doing so.

Make some considered changes to your life, go forth and enjoy. Just make sure you do right by your partner and let her down gently.

As for "I am no longer in my early twenties and should play my part. " Don't write yourself off just yet mate. Life doesn't end at 30.

Annisele

Is there any possibility that you're depressed? Diagnosis over the internet is a dangerous game, but feeling low and lost and stuck-in-a-rut are possible indicators of depression - but they're also indicators that you need to make serious changes to your life.

The fact that the last time you made serious changes didn't help all that much leans me towards saying you should at least visit your GP.

January20

I found the years between my late 30s and turning 50 went very fast. Perhaps because I was having so much fun, I don't know but the old cliche is that you only have one life. It is true though! I changed my life at 37 and never looked back! Don't be afraid of making changes as you clearly are not happy or even satisfied with your life at the moment. Think carefully about what you want and go for it. You really don't have to follow the "settle down-get married-have children" route, especially to someone you don't love!

CC-Warrior

You both could be much happier with other people. It's horrible having to break up with someone but it's much fairer than staying together and wasting each other's time.

peachyprice

Get out now, while you still can. If you buy a house have children 'just because it's the norm' you'll feel trapped and unfulfilled for the rest of your days.

Life is for living, not plodding along, do you really want to get to 50-60 and realise you've never been happy and missed out on living?

System

To be with the one you love is a wonderful feeling.... don't rob yourself of that chance by settling for second best.