Where do I start ?

HPoirot

So I guess the underlying issue is he feels lonely? Maybe you could invest some time in introducing / taking him to hobbies, social groups, etc in his area, broadening his horizons would help massively with the depression too.

Gorchard_2

Think you're right.

I have tried to encourage him to join bowls clubs (he used to enjoy bowling) - and he also goes to church regularly every Sunday. He does seem to have a social life if he wants and goes out to lunches once-per-month with ex-bank colleagues who are also retired.

He goes to cricket regularly, but I guess I should try to encourage him to join other local clubs or groups.

Not sure what clubs he could join that won't cost too much; guess I need to go do some research.

(Once again I seem to be getting slightly off the FINANCE issue - so I apologise if this is not right for this board - but I think it is the root of the finance problems.)

joedenise

I couldn't just read and run but it seems to me that the Depression is the root cause to the financial problems.

A few years ago I had severe depression and was spending far more money than I had but once I'd been persuaded by my children and husband to go to the Dr and get treated for the depression things took a turn for the better.

From what you've said your father needs to see his GP to get is depression sorted out as a priority. The financial things should be easily sorted once his health is improved.

I wish you luck in persuading your father to see his GP.

Denise

Gorchard_2

Thanks joedenise.
I have spoken to my father today.
(He's Just come back from a Holiday in Jersey for 6 days.... where I ended up sending him £350 because he "Took the wrong Card with him")

He still insists there is no problem and he's fine..... BUT he has agreed to book an appointment with a Dr next week, and that I can go with him.

Hurrah - progress. (I think)

I think (as several forumites have pointed out) that the main problem is his state of mind/health; If I can start there, then I might then be able to work through to the financial issues later.

looks like I need to be generous with my time & support rather than my money at this stage

System

if he used to be a bank manager then he knows how these things work - so he's obviously not worried about the consequences - which are simply default, meaning no future credit. (unsec).
phone stepchange with him, do an i&e so that he can enter into a DMP to shut the creditors up, and then just make sure he can live on his income cos he wont be able to use any more credit

System

further to this, dont be afraid to advise the creditors of his mental health issues - they have to deal with him in a specific way if he informs them of it.

its_maths_not_magic

Just remembered something that really helped me with an anxiety disorder, to it may be of help. It sounds odd, but give yourself say 15 mins a day to "worry". Take some time to think about what is worrying you and come up with some solutions or at least avenues of research. Then during the day, when you find your mind going over the same worries, you just say to yourself, "nope, not going to worry until 4.45pm today" and distract yourself with something else. For some reason it really helps stop the relentless cycle of worry and stress.

chevalier

You mention that your dad is a retired bank manager. So imagine how it must feel to him, that he can't manage his money having done it for other people all his life. I would imagine that he feels quite hopeless as well as frustrated as his inability to do anything about it. Those feelings become a spiral - you don't do anything about the problem, the problem gets bigger and then you feel you can't do anything about it. So you put it off and put if off till it becomes such a huge issue in your mind that you can't see any way around it.

Been there and done that. I am the worlds worst procastinator! In the end I have been able to just mentally grit my teeth and do a thing, and then found that it wasn't so bad after all. But it is hard to start.

Perhaps the next time you visit, you could suggest that the two of you start sorting out the paperwork that is everywhere? Having the place tidy will give him a boost in and of itself.

Good luck
chev

Gorchard_2

Thanks for all the advise:
Chevalier - I agree about the motivation side of things: I put things off because the thought of them is worse than the actuality (eg I've suspected this issue for 5-6 months, but not done anything about it)

In terms of the mental health I just *need* to get him to accept there is a problem - whenever I talk to him, he says he's "Fine" and "Happy as anything".

In the house it is a TIP - but whenever I try to start sifting through papers or throw things away he gets aggressive saying "I need that" or "Dont touch those".

Problem is it's all stupid stuff like 18months worth of newspapers - all kept 'cos "He's going to do the crossword" (He never will!)

I like the idea of him setting a WORRY period; at least that way he can understand there's a problem.

If possible I would REALLY like to get him to MANAGE his money sensibly rather than enter some creditor agreement. (although it's probably too late and his Credit rating will be shot to bits anyway)

- In theory he SHOULD be able to live on £2260/month.... just needs to be FRUGAL to eat into the debts on CCards. My concern is that with the (suspected) depression, if he has to pay approx £600/mnth interest and then find extra cash to eat into the o/s balance, it'll take 3-4 years of FRUGAL living to clear things.

Q: Can he survive that long on a MUCH reduced lifestyle, with the depression, without going off the rails?

Gorchard_2

Bad Day today

Just phone dad today, cos I know he got an email from Natwest to say account overdrawn & will incur fees. (I told him on Wed)

He says
1. He sold some shares a week or so ago, but the brokers paid the money into the wrong Natwest account - he has two accounts there. (I don't believe him)

2. He says he's going along to the bank today, and going to transfer money from Nationwide account - which has lots in it. (again, I don't believe him)

3. I mentioned that he shouldn't be overdrawn on the Natwest account as its the one I'd T/F £350 into only 7 days ago for him.

He insisted he had loads of money to pay it back to me - I told him don;t worry..... and he then put the phone down and won't pick up or answer.

ARRGH!! Why is it so hard to do this stuff; I only want to help, but he just won't speak to me about any finance stuff - yet I know it's a MESS.

(I'm now feeling sad, and edgy again too - heart pounding - YUK! Just hate all the extra stress.)