Where do I start ?

Gorchard_2

I am worried about my Dad. I *strongly* suspect he is in serious debt and I want to help, but I have no idea where to start.

I live with my wife and 2 kids (5 & 8yrs old) in a small 3-bed terrace house, and I am the single earner, with a good, but not excessive wage. I have never had debt problems or owed money, having been taught by my father - a now retired bank manager.

4-5 years ago, he suffered from a serious bout of depression, which got so bad he refused to get out of bed, and became very withdrawn. Eventually I ended up going round un-invited, virtually broke in, and found the state of the house (rubbish everywhere) and the state of my father; his legs were so badly swollen, that he had to go to hospital - which resulted in him having surgical stockings permanently because the 'valves' in his legs are damaged. The lack of circulation means he has reduced mobility, and with his smoking, can only really walk a few 10's-100s of yards before being out of breath.

Fast forward to 5-6months ago.
Having dropped in to his house, I see piles of bills everywhere, and various notices for "Final" payment.
Several times his phone has been "Cut-off" ... due to lack of funds

he has a good pension (approx £1800 per month) + government pension £460 and his house is totally owned with no mortgage so he SHOULD have enough income for a comfortable life style.

I KNOW he has the following Debts: (because I sifted through his bills when he was out the room)
Lloyds credit card £2067
Barclaycard £7053
Saga Credit card £3455
Natwest credit card £3607

He also has a CARAVAN near broadstairs (Ground Rent approx £2800/yr)
His Virgin Phone/TV Bill is approx £200/month !! (phones 'DATE' lines because he is on his own)
He owes southern Electric £490 .. threatening to cut him off.
etc, etc etc. the list goes on.

I have suspected these problems since Oct/Nov last year .. am fairly sure they've been building for 2-3 years, and are now reaching crisis points. he writes CHEQUES (which bounce) to buy a few more weeks until the creditor chases again.

Whenever I talk to him, he denies there is a problem and say it is all fine;
I have Shouted, I have Joked, I have sat and CRIED, and pleaded with him to do something, but he says there isn't a problem - I know there IS. I just don;t know how to convince him there IS a problem, and how to start to help him.

The worry is affecting me badly - I wake up sweating in the middle of the night, I am constantly "On Edge" and feel as nervous as if I'm going on stage, its a physical strain - I suspect the worry is killing me - quite literally.

I apologise for the long post but I feel I need to tell someone. I am well educated, capable and a fairly 'normal' bloke, but I just want someone to help and tell me where to start. I really want to help my dad, and I think he needs help.... I feel I'm letting him down by not getting (or giving) it for him.

sorry - I just feel so sad - please offer any help or advice if you can.
Thank you.

thebritishbloke

Don't be sad, you're trying to do the best thing for your father and I'm sure he knows it, he just doesn't want to admit it.

I think all you could do is keep at him about it. Explain and explain and explain to him the consequences if he doesn't pay his bills. There's nothing you can directly do to sort it out yourself, as it's in his name.

The most important bill to pay is probably his utilities. The credit cards are important, but having basic life necessities is more important.

You could make a spreadsheet showing where he could cut costs to pay his bills, how soon he could pay them off etc. At £2,260 a month with no mortgage, he shouldn't have too much of an issue paying them off so long as he lives frugally for a few months. It'll be tough, but people are in worse situations.

I wish you all the best.

double_mummy

theres nothing you can really do until he wants the situation to change

sit and phone stepchange with him and try and get him some help but you can only lead a horse to water

Gorchard_2

Thanks for the support - your taking the time means a LOT :-)

I agree, and do keep trying to point out the error of his ways - but until he ACCEPTS that there is a problem I suspect there is little i can do.
I *could* pay off some of his credit card bills for him (I could probably scrabble together £10-12k) ... but I fear that if I did, he'd just run them up again.

I have put together a budget (based on the MSE budget calculator) - and it ALMOST balance (I was amazed) ... but I suspect that's because dad was lying to me (or mistaken) about how much some of his expenses were.

What I didn't know is if there is any way to get him some help. I really suspect it may be to do with his depression and the spending is a way of him hiding from the loneliness?

THX for the advice.
Guess I'll just keep speaking to him ... he has agreed to sell the Caravan which is a major drain... and the funds from that (if it sells) will help clear some of the debt I guess.

Gorchard_2

THX Double-mummy.

Stepchange? is that an organisation - something like Citizens advice bueau?

(Apologies - I shoulda checked the other guides, etc first but have only just plucked up the courage to post and ask for help.)

its_maths_not_magic

I couldn't just read and run, I don't know how much actual advice I can give but I get that you are in an awful situation. I don't know about laws in the UK (I'm originally from Australia) but I know my grandmother was legally declared incompetent to manage her own financial affairs as she was suffering from mental illness and so my parents had power of attorney granted and they could look after her finances. But I don't know if that can happen in this country and my grandmother had been diagnosed bi-polar/schitzophrenic her entire adult life (sometimes needing live in care) so it might be a completely different kettle of fish.

The best place I can think of to start would be the national debt help line as they will have staff trained and certainly more knowledgeable about UK legalities than I. The phone is free and confidential, plus in my experience the staff are lovely who genuinely want to help. You can find their contact details in the last sticky on this thread.

In the meantime, as easy as this is to say, try to stop worrying so much. Get as much information as you can and go from there. Ultimately, you love your dad a lot and it shows, but worrying yourself to the point where you can't sleep won't help him or you. When things overwhelm me I tend to meditate, go out doors and get some fresh air and focus on my breathing for a while. You may have a different solution such as hit the gym hard, or go for a coffee with a friend. Whatever you need to do to stop the thoughts from overwhelming you. I hope that helps at all.

thebritishbloke

I can't help with finding him help, I wouldn't know where to start!

Please don't pay off your dad's debts for him like that, at least not until he addresses the issue properly. If you paid them off and he ran up the debt again, you would have lost your £10-12k.

Citizens Advice Bureau could help, or a debt management charity like Stepchange

Cranny44

Hi

Your dad sounds like he may need some daily care due to his health problems. With his income i am guessing he would have to pay for it but if he is not in receipt of attendance allowance this would cover some/all of a call a day cost. This may also help with his loneliness/depression, or would he consider going to day care once a week as a social outlet? Many of them in my area are people sitting chatting having coffee, doing crafts going on trips etc This would hopefully give you abit of peace of mind knowing he had others things going on. Also i am not sure of his age but is he still financially capable of dealing with his finances?

I was going to suggest getting rid of the carvan but looks like you have already sorted that one.

good luck

Gorchard_2

Thx Cranny44.
That was the sort of thing I was hoping for - I agree that his health needs looking after, and a visit would help.

He is 74.. so not that old (although he seems to have aged a LOT since the depression) He is mentally capable on an academic and knowledge level, but I suspect the motivation to actually deal with things is a problem.... possibly easier to bury his head in the sand.

Agree about the caravan; now just need to get him to stop taking the 3-4 holidays per year.......... plus pay back the cards...and car loan, etc, etc..

THX.

GettingOrganised

Hi Gorchard, your situation sounds awful. I don't think your father needs financial advice, I think he needs to seek help about his mental health.

Please don't pay off his debts, I really don't think this will solve the actual issue. I know you've tried hard to discuss his finances, but do you think he would be more approachable regarding going to the doctors?

Hope you find help soon.

Willowpop

Well done for posting, there is lots of very wise folk on here and i am sure at least one of them will have been there, done that.
I know how worried you must be, but please don't make yourself ill over this. It's your dad's mess and ultimately I think he has to sort it out. You can assist him, sure, but I don't think you can fix it. If you pay things off for him, there is every chance he will start over and run up debts again if the root of the problems isn't solved. Can you help at all with his depression and loneliness? Are there any local groups he could join, to get him out and about a little? Or even a home help type person who can visit from time to time just for a general chat. Do you know his GP? It might be worth speaking to them.