Where do I start ?

Gorchard_2

Math-not-magic.
The fact that you didn't 'pass by on the other side of the road' means a lot

- I know you are right - I am trying to do more exercise, go to the park at lunchtime and just "chill" a little - its hard but I know I've gotta do it and stop worrying.

I don't *think* I can currently get power of attorney over his finances but it's worth bearing in mind if things get worse.

Ultimately the 2 things coming from everyone are:
1) Call Stepchange/Debt Helpline/??? - i.e. an organisation with trained advisors.

2) Speak to Dad and make him understand that *HE* needs to deal with this; until he accepts there is a problem it sounds like there's little I can do

Aside from that I think trying to help out with some sort of social care or home visits might also be useful. Now down to me to make sure it happens.

SeduLOUs

I have no idea what to advise beyond what's already been said but didn't want to read and run so just want to wish you the best of luck x

Gorchard_2

Wow. So much good helpful advice and support.
From now on, please don't be offended if I don't thank each of you personally.

1) I agree paying things off for him won't help unless he accepts the situation and makes efforts to correct things - at that point maybe a loan from "bank of Son" might be cheaper than paying interest on the ccard debts.

2) I agree if I can get to the doctors with him and start to get to the bottom of the health/medical/mental issues it'll help.

I *think* he has private medical insurance (unless he's missed all the payments on that too) so surely they should be able to help and maybe get his legs re-looked at too >> (they are SO bad ... not strictly money related but I'm sure its related to his state of mind, which impacts his finances)

THX All.
Still sat here crying sporadically, but happier than when I started :-)

Cranny44

You can get POA at anytime if the person is able to and willing to agree and its quicker and cheaper than having to get deputyship when someone looses capacity.

Perhaps he may be willing for you to officially deal with his finances for him, to get some repayment plans going etc ad then just transfer his spare cash into an account he can access whenever he needs to.

I agree 74 isnt old but people can loose the capacity to deal with finances at any age whilst retaining the ability to deal with other aspects of life on an ok basis. See it alot working in social services.

It sounds like it can all be sorted in some way.

Eyes_wide_open

I read this and the first thing that popped out was that his mental health is the priority , then his physical health and finally the debt.

The spending, the phone calls,the denial are all symptoms of his mindset and until the issues are resolved it is going to to make it very difficult to move forward with the debt.

Maybe talk to him about how he is feeling? is he ok? Is he lonely and see if by taking the emphasis of the money you can move forward together. What about going to the caravan together? Away from the normal routine and see if he will open up? Some of the deepest conversations I've had have been on car journeys.

The financial side can be fixed so please don't lose sleep over that.
A x

Gorchard_2

OK - that certainly sounds interesting;

I'd be willing to manage the finances for him (one thing I *am* good at ) perhaps a POA would be good - if I can get him to agree.

Sounding more & more like the key to all this is Dad himself; If I can get him to acknowledge there is a problem it sounds reasonably sortable without Drastic measures at the moment.

In fact it shouldn't be "If I can get him to agree" - I must. I just have to find a way to get him to agree there's an issue, let me help and start to sort things now before they get too far out of control.

...and as others say, part of the key is to sort the medical/mental side of things.

Gorchard_2

Eyes wide:
That make a lot of sense - I really suspect the depression is there, and that he just "Hides" it when I go to see him or he comes to see us. Basically he is putting on a 'front' ... but the problem is there.

The holidays/trips are part of the same issue (I suspect)

If I can get him to accept help with the mental side of things then start to deal with the poor health/legs, he'll be in a better position to allow help with the finances.

Gorchard_2

PS - just to be clear;
My Dad lives on his own, about 30-40 miles from me (about 45mins drive)
I only tend to see him approx once every 10-14 days by going to have dinner with him one evening.

Whenever I go, having become aware of the finance issues the temptation is to 'snoop' at the paperwork that's lying around. The problem is it makes me feel awful - both because of what I uncover, and the fact I'm almost spying on my Dad - which doesn't seem like a nice thing to do.

Am I a bad person for caring and wanting to know how bad the situation is ?

HPoirot

Hi. What is your dad spending on? Gambling? Chat lines? I would address the urge to spend rather than the debts as a first line of defence, only when he sees the error of his spending ways so to speak can he make any meaningful change to his debts. I do not see that there is much you can do personally for his money / debts other than try and help him sort them out.

Gorchard_2

I *think* that he ran up a lot of debts with BT by calling "Date" lines - i.e. he posts on-line on a date site, gets email replies and can pick up messages from a premium phone line.
At one stage his phone bills were £350-400 per MONTH!!

He has also changed his car 3 times in the last 5 years (new/6month old car each time)

He also has a static caravan which has ground rent of approx £2800/yr

Combine that with 4-5 holidays per year, and you soon end up living beyond your means.

I don't know the PRECISE details, but this is what I have pieced together myself and suspect.