Why do people take the Mick?

BigAunty

I chatted to a waitress in Canada. She dreaded her family visiting her from the UK because she was a 6 hour drive from the airport and they expected her to collect them. Also, when they stayed and borrowed her car for local visits, they'd hand the keys back and say 'the tank is nearly empty, you'd better fill it up'.

My brother re-wrapped up the xmas gift I bought him and gave it back to me the next year. I travelled down from Scotland to have a xmas meal with the family and he ducked out of it because he wanted to go for an Indian meal and no-one else did. I now no longer put myself out with gifts or visits.

CATS

Thanks for all the suggestions, the kid issue is no longer happening as she got the hint once I changed my routine. I guess with the family issue it was much harder for me as they are my family. I think it just became a routine as I was the first one to start working and earning. What gets me is that my mum will say let's meet up and go grab something quick to eat, however when the bill came it usually went to me and everyone would just sit there or pop to the toilet, only my mum will say I will pay half, which also is not fair and usually I would just say no and as no one else would offer I would end up paying. I don't mind treating my mum but my brother, his girlfriend and all the other could offer. A few months ago I had a chat with mum and told her I will no longer be attending meals out as it's not fair I always pay. It's the attitude that annoys me

Brighton_belle

CATS wrote: »

Thanks for all the suggestions, the kid issue is no longer happening as she got the hint once I changed my routine.

But that is part of the problem - you don't say anything, you just think you give hints that others should be able to understand and respond to. Of course their attitude is rubbish, but if you developed a more assertive, straight talking attitude (which can be done pleasantly) people would stop even trying and this problem would disappear.
You can't change over night, but perhaps start working on practising assertive sentences on your own. Saying no does not make you a bad person.

hazyjo

CATS wrote: »

Thanks for all the suggestions, the kid issue is no longer happening as she got the hint once I changed my routine. I guess with the family issue it was much harder for me as they are my family. I think it just became a routine as I was the first one to start working and earning. What gets me is that my mum will say let's meet up and go grab something quick to eat, however when the bill came it usually went to me and everyone would just sit there or pop to the toilet, only my mum will say I will pay half, which also is not fair and usually I would just say no and as no one else would offer I would end up paying. I don't mind treating my mum but my brother, his girlfriend and all the other could offer. A few months ago I had a chat with mum and told her I will no longer be attending meals out as it's not fair I always pay. It's the attitude that annoys me

The fact you said something is good - but you were probably telling the wrong person. You needed to make a bit of a stand when it came to it. On those occasions, you should probably have looked at the bill, got out a calculator/phone if necessary and plonked down however much your share was in cash (as others suggested). People come out of the toilet eventually - just say to them 'not sure if you wanted to pay cash or card, but your share's £X.'

If they say they've come out without money, let someone else lend it to them. Say you've not brought your cards out with you (and make sure you don't take them so you can't crumble! Someone will have a card!).

Jx

his_missus

I agree with other posters.

Next family meal, only pay for your share with cash. Most restaurants have online menus so you can gauge how much money you'll need. Don't have any cards on you so you can't bow to pressure.

I also suggest you don't lend money to people anymore, especially those who don't pay you back. Even if it's just a few pounds for a butty/crisps/chocolate bar at lunch, it adds up.

It's hard to say "NO" to people but people will continue to see you as a "soft touch" and take advantage of your generous nature if you keep letting it happen. You need to break that habit.

I speak from experience of having always been the friend who invited our circle of friends out/round for a meal/drinks/get together yet no-one else returned that favour. I stopped inviting them round and no-one else bothered to make any arrangements for us all to get together, all too busy, next month maybe, blah blah! It's hard to not volunteer when they're all on Facebook saying "Ooh, we've not had a get together in ages" but you have to stand firm.

Hermia

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But that is part of the problem - you don't say anything, you just think you give hints that others should be able to understand and respond to. Of course their attitude is rubbish, but if you developed a more assertive, straight talking attitude (which can be done pleasantly) people would stop even trying and this problem would disappear.
You can't change over night, but perhaps start working on practising assertive sentences on your own. Saying no does not make you a bad person.

I agree with you. The OP needs to actually be direct. The suggestion of practising what to say is a good one. OP - you need to have thought of what you will say/do in certain situations. For example, if you do go out with your family again make sure you ask for the bill so you can tell the waitress you want individual bills. You could even mention it to the waitress on your way to the loo! They will have dealt with these situations before.

I think assertiveness is easier than people think it will be. When you say no to people in a direct, but polite way, you often find that people respect you. And the takers tend to just slink off to find other victims they can leech off.

browneyedbazzi

BigAunty wrote: »

I chatted to a waitress in Canada. She dreaded her family visiting her from the UK because she was a 6 hour drive from the airport and they expected her to collect them. Also, when they stayed and borrowed her car for local visits, they'd hand the keys back and say 'the tank is nearly empty, you'd better fill it up'.

In Canada it is custom that if you borrow a car from someone you return it with a full tank of petrol (even if it was empty when you received it)....so the thing about returning the car empty and commenting about needing to fill it up would be extremely rude to a Canadian. (I've lived in the UK for a long time but still find it rude when someone here borrows the car and doesn't return it with a full tank. I bite my tongue because I know customs - and the price of petrol - are different here)

Gigervamp

It seems a bit like cutting your nose off to spite your face if you no longer go out for meals with the family. I presume you enjoyed their company when you did go, so it seems a shame to give that up just because you can't say to them that you're no longer willing to pay.

Cade_Foster

Gigervamp wrote: »

It seems a bit like cutting your nose off to spite your face if you no longer go out for meals with the family. I presume you enjoyed their company when you did go, so it seems a shame to give that up just because you can't say to them that you're no longer willing to pay.

Why is it cutting your nose off, these people are using the OP, I would rather not go out to eat with such people.

Gigervamp

As I said, I presumed that OP actually enjoyed going out with the family.