Single motherhood - adoption or donor

girlsmum

I know people who have done both,
I have a single friend who has a young son by doner, its not the single mum thing she has a problem with, but she does feel guilty about not being able to tell him anything about his dad and her son struggles with it, she has explained how he came about in terms he can understand, but he has issues over it. I also know a couple who have adopted 2 girls, they are siblings, they would have been about 4 and 6 when they got them. whilst there have been issues with the girls, on one occasion in school one girl stood up and said her mum locks her in the cupboard, the substitute teacher reported it, quite rightly, but the girl was talking about her birth mum. The school know the children's situation, but this teacher was a sub and did not know. one girl has ADD but they are both now lovely, sweet girls.

tea_lover

When we were going through IVF we looked into egg sharing (as in, we would have been donating eggs), we would have needed counselling before going ahead with this. Counselling is also required before receiving any donated eggs/sperm/embryos.

It might be worth speaking to some fertility clinics and asking if you are able to see their counsellors (the ones I've dealt with have all had people in-house). I'm sure they're happy to speak to people before any decisions have been made.

System

I'm confused with all this talk of IVF.

Surely if there are no known fertility issues then the cheaper and just as successful option is AID? I have a friend with 2 via this option. The first cost a £10 donation per treatment (success on the 4th) as it was a University hospital where funding was shared by the Uni & NHS and the second cost £150 - referred to private practice by own doctor. Although this was 20 years ago I can't believe that prices have rocketed that much

hawk30

!!!!!! wrote: »

I'm confused with all this talk of IVF.

Surely if there are no known fertility issues then the cheaper and just as successful option is AID? I have a friend with 2 via this option. The first cost a £10 donation per treatment (success on the 4th) as it was a University hospital where funding was shared by the Uni & NHS and the second cost £150 - referred to private practice by own doctor. Although this was 20 years ago I can't believe that prices have rocketed that much

IUI (which is what I presume you mean by AID) would probably be the first step. I've just looked at the fees charged by a local clinic and it's £750 for the IUI itself, but then you would have the initial appointment fees on top (I think). The success rate there for IUI is about 20-25%, while IVF or ICSI is around 45-50%. I've heard that IUI takes around 3-6 treatments on average before it's either successful or you give up.

Cissi

Panda78 wrote: »

I hope 35 is not too old either but i know that if i met someone now, i wouldn't have the luxury of time to establish a relationship, make sure he was a man i could raise a child with etc, because that would take me closer to 40 when my fertility chances are even worse. I could still adopt between now and 40, but i'd like a child sooner rather than later.

Ok, I'm just going to throw something out there... You've just come out of a long relationship and it sounds as if you've spent years doing the responsible thing, building secure finances etc before starting a family. But there is no reason why you have to be with someone for years before deciding to try for a baby together. I know plenty of women who were single at 35 (often with a long relationship behind them), met someone in the next year or two, and were married and had baby no 1 by 37 or 38 - and maybe baby no 2 by 40 - and are still happy, years later.

In today's society we spend so long doing exactly what you've been doing that we sometimes "overthink" things. As you've experienced yourself, being in a relationship for years before having children doesn't guarantee anything. In your mid-thirties you're probably a lot more secure about who you are and what you want in life than in your early 20s, as well as more financially stable, and so if you meet someone like-minded there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to start a successful relationship relatively quickly.

Of course you have no way of knowing if it will happen for you - but I think a lot of it depends on you. I.e, are you prepared to be proactive about finding a serious partner? These days there are so many things that you can try and that work for a lot of people - speed dating, internet dating (as long as you're careful and selective), ceroc classes, singles holidays etc etc. I have a number of friends, male and female, who seem to have had some sort of "epiphany" in their mid-thirties (also known as the biological clock...) and literally set out on a "mission" to find a life partner after years of singledom/multiple failed relationships/the break-up of a long-term relationship/etc - and within a year or two their lives have totally changed.

Having myself gone through years of fertility treatments before having 2 children by IVF (in my early 30s - infertility cause unknown) - I do normally advocate not leaving it too long before trying for a baby. But in your circumstance and given that you're worried about single parenthood, I wonder if it isn't worth giving it another year or two to find that supportive partner that you wish for? If you go down the route of single motherhood, this would also make it much, much more complicated to find someone to share your life with, and at 35 you're still young in today's world.

I think in your shoes I would have fertility investigations, at whatever clinic you are thinking of using for donor/IUI - you would need to do this first anyway. If everything looks ok and your hormone levels are good, then you could always wait a while - and really try to meet someone. There are a lot of men in their late 30s/early 40s out there also looking for a partner. I have 4 close male friends (one of them my brother) who found their life partners relatively late - three of them had never had a serious GF due to confidence issues (all very bright guys and established professionals) and the fourth one was divorced, then single for a number of years. 3 of these guys were married with a baby within two years of meeting someone. The last one is getting married this summer, to a woman he met just under a year ago, and they want to try for a baby right away (he's 41, she's 38). So no need to give up just yet

Mrs_Soup

On the age issue I didn't meet my husband until I was 36, got married at 38.5, had some minimal fertility treatnment - injections, scans etc but not IVF , had first son at 41 and second at 43 so you are not too old at 35. Some women have no issue at all conceiving at 40 or older. Though I think you are right to be thinking about all the options.

time2deal

hawk30 wrote: »

IUI (which is what I presume you mean by AID) would probably be the first step. I've just looked at the fees charged by a local clinic and it's £750 for the IUI itself, but then you would have the initial appointment fees on top (I think). The success rate there for IUI is about 20-25%, while IVF or ICSI is around 45-50%. I've heard that IUI takes around 3-6 treatments on average before it's either successful or you give up.

Don't forget those statistics mainly include ladies with fertility problems. With no problems your success rate should be much higher. Lots of ladies try IUI as a step towards IVF, so I would take the stats with a grain of salt.

balletshoes

daisiegg wrote: »

I have a relative who had a baby on her own. She conceived while in a casual relationship and the father did not want to be involved. She went ahead as she had always wanted children and felt her time was running out.

Much as she adores her child she often talks about how going through pregnancy and having a baby alone was the hardest thing she has ever done and she would never do it again. In fact she says if she could go back she wouldn't do it. This was even with a very supportive family close by. Not trying to put you off but just giving a point of view. I think a lot of people who look at successful single parents forget that often (I know not always) that single parent probably was in a relationship when pregnant and through at least some of the baby years, and became single later.
I can't imagine how hard it is going through pregnancy and babyhood alone.

If you've got a good family/friends support network, as I had, and you're not afraid to ask for help when you need it, it doesn't have to be that hard - and as others have said, if thats all you've experienced, you don't know any different. Just wanted to give a different slant to the experience of your relative daisiegg.
I have one child, for various reasons me and her Dad (my OH) were separated through the last 7 months of my pregnancy, and the majority of the first 2 years of her life. I didn't have a particularly difficult pregnancy or long/arduous labour, and my sister and mum were there with me during labour. I wasn't alone, and didn't feel isolated etc because I didn't have a partner to go through it with.

Babyhood is difficult for any new mum, getting to grips with sleepless nights while still trying to act and look vaguely human.

Having children does change your priorites - and I'm sure lots of mums, whether they are single or have a supportive partner, settle into a life of running the kids around and fitting their own "me time" around the children. Thats what I did, when she was little I used to take a day off work a couple of times a year maybe while she was in nursery/school, just for me, to do what I wanted to do for 6 hours straight .

Tiddlywinks

I'm going to go against the flow...

I think children should be planned as part of a stable family unit.

Just because you can have a child alone, doesn't mean you should.

I think a child deserves the best start in life possible - denying them a daddy from day one is just not fair in my opinion.

Before I get shouts of some successes of single parenting... Yes, there are successes but choosing to make a child fatherless is not fair... It is selfish.

Here's a Civitas report on fatherless children and the effects on the individual and society:

http://www.civitas.org.uk/pubs/experiments.php

an9i77

notanewuser wrote: »

I have a friend that is 36 and has 3 month old twins as a result of sperm donation. The babies are adorable, but her expectations are completely unrealistic, and that's affecting how she cares for the babies. Eg, she wants to be able to go out shopping through the daytime, so wanted them both sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old. She's relying heavily on friends and relatives to take the babies so that she can decorate and clean her house and have nights out on the town.

hmmm... because a three month old baby can't possibly sleep whilst his mum is out shopping? I was out shopping again when my daughter was 2 weeks, put her in the sling, she just nodded off. They're quite portable at that age and don't really interfere with life too much, it's when they're older that it becomes more difficult.