Single motherhood - adoption or donor

Panda78

DomRavioli wrote: »

Hi OP,

You will struggle to get a 0-3 years child for adoption; although they do come up occasionally, familial issues are usually recognised later on, plus with the time taken to remove a child, arrange care, interview and approve adoptive parents...it takes a lot of time to do all the steps, and I don't agree with your comment about milestones - most of these happen in foster care or placement; not with adoptive families (my sister is a social worker who specialises in adoption and fostering).

I would advise you speak to your local social services adoption department for some advice on adoption; there are some wonderful children who are desperate for homes who may be slightly out of your age range, but would love you just the same.

IVF/assisted conception is hell on earth to go through (believe me, you won't want it unless you are desperate). You can try and conceive using the donor sperm using assisted contraception but the rates of success are pretty low; IVF is expensive, unless you fit into the infertility criteria, you are looking around £8,000 per cycle and it is not guaranteed to work - there are different methods of IVF and the costs will mount up very quickly - you may also need fertility drugs to stimulate egg production to give the best chance of conception (yes, they do this for perfectly fertile women too - you may grow a beard, get massive boobs and the many other side effects of the drugs).

It isn't as easy as buy some sperm, turkey baster it in and voila, a baby appears; it is clinical and most opt for IVF based treatment.

I've been through IVF if you want any more basic info, and there's also a thread on here for us IVF people which has a lot of information on

Hope that has given you a little bit of insight

time2deal wrote: »

I offer no opinion on adoption vs fertility treatment, but I think there are some scare stories here about this cost.

I paid £7k for IVF, but that was a complex case including ICSI in London. If you are healthy, ovulating, and just need to get sperm to egg it's much cheaper. You probably don't even need drugs, just a few scans to identify the right time.

IUI at the Lister Clinic (an expensive London clinic) is £872.50 + Drugs if you use them, although I think sourcing the donor sperm can be about £1000. AIUI you don't actually need full IVF unless you also have a fertility problem.

Thank you both. It would be donor IUI that i'm considering. I've looked into prices with London Women's Clinic and they are similar to Lister. I would need fertility tests first of course to make sure this is a viable option for me. I don't see myself trying IVF if i have fertility problems because i just couldn't afford it.

ska_lover

Panda78 wrote: »

I guess this is what makes adoption a more socially acceptable route to single motherhood, as although the child would only have me, i could give them a loving stable home with a close extended family that they might not otherwise have in care.

Yes it would be a very selfless thing to do, certainly, to take on a non-bio child and spend the next 18 years raising the little one. I really take my hat off to you in honesty. I would be far too selfish to do that personally x

DomRavioli

Panda78 wrote: »

Thank you both. It would be donor IUI that i'm considering. I've looked into prices with London Women's Clinic and they are similar to Lister. I would need fertility tests first of course to make sure this is a viable option for me. I don't see myself trying IVF if i have fertility problems because i just couldn't afford it.

Hi Panda

Mine was around £8k per cycle - it does vary though! I didn't want it to sound shocking, but it is a very very scary thing to go through, I have no idea how you would cope on your own as they are pretty invasive, even with the basic tests, but kudos to you for going for what you want! My advice would be to visit a few clinics before you decide on one - they vary wildly in quality and price; and always take someone with you as you will probably be a little bit overwhelmed and they can listen when you zone out (happens to everyone!)

Same with the adoption too, its rare you get little ones, but there is plenty of good information out there.

I can also agree with the single parent thing - it is blooming hard; my best friend is a single parent as she was widowed at 23, she is raising 3 kids and working full time - if it wasn't for me and her mum helping with cleaning, cooking and homework, she would have to give up working. Being a parent is a hard decision, and one you are stuck with for the rest of your life; its also very rewarding

I hope you have a good sit down with the people around you (friends,family etc) and talk it through - they will be your support throughout your journey, whichever path it takes.

Sending hugs

jenand8285

Panda78 wrote: »

Thank you. No offence taken at all, i want to consider all sides. Part of me does feel selfish for depriving a child of a father, but i was raised by a single parent very effectively, so i think my opinion is slighted blinded by that, because i do not feel i missed out on anything. I had other positive male role models in my life such as my grandad and eventually, step dad.

I agree with you. I was practically raised by a single parent and a very good one at that. I am no psychologist but feel a child would not miss a second parent if they only ever had one.

IMO one great parent can be just as good as two.

notanewuser

I have a friend that is 36 and has 3 month old twins as a result of sperm donation. The babies are adorable, but her expectations are completely unrealistic, and that's affecting how she cares for the babies. Eg, she wants to be able to go out shopping through the daytime, so wanted them both sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old. She's relying heavily on friends and relatives to take the babies so that she can decorate and clean her house and have nights out on the town.

picklekin

I live in the south and my IVF, bog standard LP, will be 5k for your info, with an extra 1k for a frozen cycle. I

I've looked into adoption, its a scary process no mistake, but there are children out there that need loving homes, and you could make a real difference to someone's lives. I went to one of the open evenings and was told the adoption process would take about 1 year, they will do inspections and investigations, they will want to know about your family and support network, they will take into account any experience you have with children (they suggested volunteering at a nursery etc). They did warn me that about 80% of the children that are put up for adoption are from, don't know how to phrase, drug or alcohol addicted parents and so may have difficulties relating to this. Initially I found this a bit terrifying, but they said that most of the affects are not long lasting (at least with the drugs). One thing I was worried about was ongoing contact from the biological parents but was told that all contact would be in my hands, and that communication would be done by a drop box, ie they wouldn't know my address and I wouldn't know theirs and would mostly consist of a year newsletter type affair.

daisiegg

I have a relative who had a baby on her own. She conceived while in a casual relationship and the father did not want to be involved. She went ahead as she had always wanted children and felt her time was running out.

Much as she adores her child she often talks about how going through pregnancy and having a baby alone was the hardest thing she has ever done and she would never do it again. In fact she says if she could go back she wouldn't do it. This was even with a very supportive family close by. Not trying to put you off but just giving a point of view. I think a lot of people who look at successful single parents forget that often (I know not always) that single parent probably was in a relationship when pregnant and through at least some of the baby years, and became single later. I can't imagine how hard it is going through pregnancy and babyhood alone.

Lara44

My friend who is also single adopted a little one earlier this year. The child is well under 3 years old, so it is possible to adopt younger children.

She was very sure about adopting and invested a lot of time in the process. Both are very happy and things are going well, although my friend does tell me it is hard work. I just wanted to add a happy story into the mix You certainly have nothing to lose by finding out more information.

I don't know anything about assisted conception, but am currently pregnant. It is a special thing but has lots of unglamorous sides too. I have needed more emotional support than I expected, so make sure you have a good network around you, if you decide to go that route.

As an aside, I think 35 is still very young and you have time on the clock as it were (maybe because I am just a year or two younger and don't want to think of myself as 'old' ). Certainly adoption can happen at an older age these days so there isn't the same time pressure with that.

Panda78

daisiegg wrote: »

I have a relative who had a baby on her own. She conceived while in a casual relationship and the father did not want to be involved. She went ahead as she had always wanted children and felt her time was running out.

Much as she adores her child she often talks about how going through pregnancy and having a baby alone was the hardest thing she has ever done and she would never do it again. In fact she says if she could go back she wouldn't do it. This was even with a very supportive family close by. Not trying to put you off but just giving a point of view. I think a lot of people who look at successful single parents forget that often (I know not always) that single parent probably was in a relationship when pregnant and through at least some of the baby years, and became single later. I can't imagine how hard it is going through pregnancy and babyhood alone.

Lara44 wrote: »

My friend who is also single adopted a little one earlier this year. The child is well under 3 years old, so it is possible to adopt younger children.

She was very sure about adopting and invested a lot of time in the process. Both are very happy and things are going well, although my friend does tell me it is hard work. I just wanted to add a happy story into the mix You certainly have nothing to lose by finding out more information.

I don't know anything about assisted conception, but am currently pregnant. It is a special thing but has lots of unglamorous sides too. I have needed more emotional support than I expected, so make sure you have a good network around you, if you decide to go that route.

As an aside, I think 35 is still very young and you have time on the clock as it were (maybe because I am just a year or two younger and don't want to think of myself as 'old' ). Certainly adoption can happen at an older age these days so there isn't the same time pressure with that.

Thanks ladies and everyone else for your views, it's good to hear both sides. It's a valid point about how hard it must be to go through pregnancy alone. My sister has a very hands on and supportive husband, but still says that raising her son is the hardest thing she has ever done. I believe i could raise a child very well, but i accept that the pregnancy stage is likely to be emotionally tough and lonely.

I think whatever option i take, it's going to be the hardest route. I wish i had met someone and conceived naturally with all the support of a partner, but at this stage, i feel like it's not meant to be. That is what makes me think that maybe i should adopt. The lives of these children in care have not gone to plan for them and neither has mine in this respect, so maybe we can give each other a more fulfilled life? It's just the process of adoption is so intrusive.

I hope 35 is not too old either but i know that if i met someone now, i wouldn't have the luxury of time to establish a relationship, make sure he was a man i could raise a child with etc, because that would take me closer to 40 when my fertility chances are even worse. I could still adopt between now and 40, but i'd like a child sooner rather than later.

100yoga

I am also 35 and single and have just been approved to adopt! The process is very hard going and can be all consuming but it is SO worth the effort. The process has so far taken 10 months and it is likely to take another three months to get matched with a child.

In my area there are a number of children under the age of three needing adoption but it will depends upon your local area and the number of children coming into the care system.

I would contact the adoption team at your local council as they will probably have open day / evening sessions where you can find out more, ask lots of questions and meet people who have adopted.

Good luck, if you want any more information re: adoption let me know if I can be of any help.