Single motherhood - adoption or donor

Panda78

Hi all,

Would welcome any views on my situation. I'm 35 and single for 15 months after a very long relationship ended. I made the "mistake" if that's the right word, of waiting to build some savings and own a home before trying to conceive. Now i have the decent job, some savings and a home, but no man and fast approaching decision time in terms of fertility.

I'm considering adoption or trying to conceive through donor insemination (not with anyone i know, just through a fertility clinic).

I'd love to know peoples opinions on what they see as the best/right route to becoming a parenthood and your feelings on my two options. I have close family nearby who could help me with childcare as i will still need to work.

Thank you.

pinkteapot

I'm not sure anyone can answer this for you as it's such a personal thing. There are loads of kids out there needing good adoptive homes, but do you feel like you want a child that's biologically yours, that you've carried?

Most adoptions don't involve babies - normally you'd get a toddler or older. Does this appeal?

Our local fertility clinic has open evenings where you can find out more. Adoption organisations may also do the same thing. You need to find out more about the respective processes before you can decide which is right for you.

Panda78

pinkteapot wrote: »

I'm not sure anyone can answer this for you as it's such a personal thing. There are loads of kids out there needing good adoptive homes, but do you feel like you want a child that's biologically yours, that you've carried?

Most adoptions don't involve babies - normally you'd get a toddler or older. Does this appeal?

Our local fertility clinic has open evenings where you can find out more. Adoption organisations may also do the same thing. You need to find out more about the respective processes before you can decide which is right for you.

Thanks. I always thought that adoption would suit me, i didn't feel a massive urge to carry my own children, but i always wanted to be a mother. Since becoming an Aunt for the first time last year, i can see how special it is to have your own child and see the family traits/resemblences etc. If i adopted, i would have to agree to 0-3 years to stand any chance of being matched with a child. Again, i thought this would be suitable for me, but now through my nephew i can see how special those early years are.

The adoption process, although quicker these days, is still daunting and intrusive. It's a good idea to go to open evening of both, thank you.

LilElvis

Fertility Friends has an excellent part of their board for single women having treatment. I'm sure that you will get loads of advice and support. The board also has an adoption section too.
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=403.0

The Donor Conception Network is also an excellent resource http://www.dcnetwork.org/

I would also suggest getting your fertility checked out as, sadly, many women find that they have issues they weren't aware of.

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

You will struggle to get a 0-3 years child for adoption; although they do come up occasionally, familial issues are usually recognised later on, plus with the time taken to remove a child, arrange care, interview and approve adoptive parents...it takes a lot of time to do all the steps, and I don't agree with your comment about milestones - most of these happen in foster care or placement; not with adoptive families (my sister is a social worker who specialises in adoption and fostering).

I would advise you speak to your local social services adoption department for some advice on adoption; there are some wonderful children who are desperate for homes who may be slightly out of your age range, but would love you just the same.

IVF/assisted conception is hell on earth to go through (believe me, you won't want it unless you are desperate). You can try and conceive using the donor sperm using assisted contraception but the rates of success are pretty low; IVF is expensive, unless you fit into the infertility criteria, you are looking around £8,000 per cycle and it is not guaranteed to work - there are different methods of IVF and the costs will mount up very quickly - you may also need fertility drugs to stimulate egg production to give the best chance of conception (yes, they do this for perfectly fertile women too - you may grow a beard, get massive boobs and the many other side effects of the drugs).

It isn't as easy as buy some sperm, turkey baster it in and voila, a baby appears; it is clinical and most opt for IVF based treatment.

I've been through IVF if you want any more basic info, and there's also a thread on here for us IVF people which has a lot of information on

Hope that has given you a little bit of insight

tea_lover

£8000?? Wow, I paid just under £4k, including drugs.

onlyroz

tea_lover wrote: »

£8000?? Wow, I paid just under £4k, including drugs.

Yes, £8k does seem a little steep. I think my sister-in-law paid £3-4k plus a few hundred for storage of the eggs.

lisawood78

About £7k per cycle for me, but I have extra medical issues which needs more and different medication.
It depends on clinic, area, treatment protocol and all sorts of other things.
I know a cycle at ARGC can cost upwards of £10k per cycle.

ska_lover

Before I say this OP, please believe I totally respect your views, but just wanted to say from my own experiences:-

I was a single parent, and couldn't imagine why anyone would put themselves through that intentionally. I would never have chosen to be a single parent - it is the most difficult thing I have done in my life.

Yes, single parenthood can be done, and done well - but it is never ideal. Kids do need two parents at home and they probably do miss out only having one parent to rely on, emotionally / financially etc - and having a child to be farmed out to family whilst you are working, really isn't the best start IMO.

I understand that you may feel like I am having a bash at you, but I am a great believer in each to their own - I just wanted to make sure that you are going into this with your eyes wide open - for the sake of the child.

time2deal

I offer no opinion on adoption vs fertility treatment, but I think there are some scare stories here about this cost.

I paid £7k for IVF, but that was a complex case including ICSI in London. If you are healthy, ovulating, and just need to get sperm to egg it's much cheaper. You probably don't even need drugs, just a few scans to identify the right time.

IUI at the Lister Clinic (an expensive London clinic) is £872.50 + Drugs if you use them, although I think sourcing the donor sperm can be about £1000. AIUI you don't actually need full IVF unless you also have a fertility problem.

Panda78

ska_lover wrote: »

Before I say this OP, please believe I totally respect your views, but just wanted to say from my own experiences:-

I was a single parent, and couldn't imagine why anyone would put themselves through that intentionally. I would never have chosen to be a single parent - it is the most difficult thing I have done in my life.

Yes, single parenthood can be done, and done well - but it is never ideal. Kids do need two parents at home and they probably do miss out only having one parent to rely on, emotionally / financially etc - and having a child to be farmed out to family whilst you are working, really isn't the best start IMO.

I understand that you may feel like I am having a bash at you, but I am a great believer in each to their own - I just wanted to make sure that you are going into this with your eyes wide open - for the sake of the child.

Thank you. No offence taken at all, i want to consider all sides. Part of me does feel selfish for depriving a child of a father, but i was raised by a single parent very effectively, so i think my opinion is slighted blinded by that, because i do not feel i missed out on anything. I had other positive male role models in my life such as my grandad and eventually, step dad.

I guess this is what makes adoption a more socially acceptable route to single motherhood, as although the child would only have me, i could give them a loving stable home with a close extended family that they might not otherwise have in care.