Children dont want to see grandparents alone

Mojisola

wortblossom wrote: »

MIL likes them to sit down and be quiet, they are not allowed tv programs they like, gameboys and so on.

She is very keen on them giving her their sole attention - like an adult would when they sit down and chat about work.

She also dislikes any kind of noise - the younger one espically is told off alot about shouting or laughing loud.

She is also scared of being knocked , so tells them not to run around etc.

Although I would expect a 7 and 8 year to be able to sit quietly for a while, her expectations are unrealistic. No wonder they don't like going there!

I have also suggested we all go along to her house, then she and grandad take the boys out or me and my husband leave after a while. The answer to this has always been No.

Then don't take the children there at all.

I wouldn't have left my children in this situation. I would visit as a family for short trips but that would be it.

RuthnJasper

My mum finds my little niece and nephew absolutely exhausting, but deals with it without complaint and lets them run and play like little children ought to because she loves them (as we all do) and genuinely enjoys their company.

Possibly the OP's mum has forgotton how exhausting young children can be, but I can well understand how boring these visits must seem to two lively kids. Also, being regularly criticised or told-off for behaving normally must be very demoralising. It doesn't sound like MiL is prepared to be flexible or compromise in any way - if so, she'll just have to accept that this will have a knock-on effect in how often the children visit.

The FiL isn't mentioned - I wonder how he feels? Maybe he is rather dominated by his wife. It's a pity if he has to miss out on time with his grandchildren because of her.

Best wishes OP, hope it gets sorted ok. x

wortblossom

MIL only had one child - my husband and all her memories of him are of him being the
most perfect well behaved quiet child ever known lol . She does genuinely love and want
to spend time with the children, I think shes not use to children and as shes got older
is much less tolerent of them. FIL tends to take a back seat compared to MIL but he does
have the tendency to get very grumpy and short with the children, espically when hes had enough
of the kids. They are getting older now and it does exhaust them. Quiet often after the children have been
over they will both go to bed afterwards!
I think the best way to sort it is just to tell MIL the truth, the children will come to want
to go in their own time and until then we will come over with them. I have no desire or need
to push the children into doing something they dont want to do. The more you push the less they
want it. As long as the grandparents get to spend time with them, with or without the parents
does it really matter? Im more than happy to take a back seat and let the grandparents play or
do activities with them while I read a book or something.

Bennifred

It sounds as though your MIL likes the idea of grandchildren more than the reality!

Would something like going out to a park or play area work? The olds could sit and the youngsters run around to their hearts content. It's difficult if MIL expects to have their attention, though.....

wortblossom

"It sounds as though your MIL likes the idea of grandchildren more than the reality! "

I think you have hit the nail on the head there!

securityguy

wortblossom wrote: »

I have also suggested we all go along to her house, then she and grandad take the boys out or me and my husband leave after a while. The answer to this has always been No.

Then just don't go. She doesn't get to dictate terms.

Mojisola

wortblossom wrote: »

My two boys 7 and 8 (bear in mind the 8 year old is autistic) dont ever want to go to their grandparents house without me and my husband.

Bennifred wrote: »

Would something like going out to a park or play area work? The olds could sit and the youngsters run around to their hearts content.

If you want your kids to grow up with happy memories of their grandparents, arrange visits so that you can dilute granny's old-fashioned views of children.

As they get older, you won't be able to keep forcing them to spend time with her and they will only have bad memories of her.

wortblossom

We do try and visit as a family once a week. These visits tend to revolve around
having a cup of tea/cake and grandad taking the boys for a walk with the dogs.
MIL cant walk/stand for health reasons so the park is tricky for her , but grandad
does take them. My husband is the best, he wont stand for her no tv rule and takes
the tv remote off her and puts kids tv on

Morglin

wortblossom wrote: »

My two boys 7 and 8 (bear in mind the 8 year old is autistic) dont ever want to go to their grandparents house without me and my husband. My mil will invite them round to do fun things like going to mcdonalds or going to the allotment to plant seeds. And every time they dont want to go without myself or my husband. With the eldest I would put it down to his autism - he still sleeps in the same bedroom as us. But the youngest I think feels alot of pressure from MIL to behave in the way she wants and is constantly afraid of getting into trouble and being told off. I dont really know how to handle this situation, I dont want to make the boys do anything they dont want to or upset MIL , as from her point of view it must be very hurtful. Ive suggested we all go along to do these things but she just wants them on her own.

Be guided by your kids, and just tell MIL they are at that 'funny age'.

Lin

RuthnJasper

wortblossom wrote: »

MIL only had one child - my husband and all her memories of him are of him being the
most perfect well behaved quiet child ever known lol . She does genuinely love and want
to spend time with the children, I think shes not use to children and as shes got older
is much less tolerent of them. FIL tends to take a back seat compared to MIL but he does
have the tendency to get very grumpy and short with the children, espically when hes had enough
of the kids. They are getting older now and it does exhaust them. Quiet often after the children have been
over they will both go to bed afterwards!
I think the best way to sort it is just to tell MIL the truth, the children will come to want
to go in their own time and until then we will come over with them. I have no desire or need
to push the children into doing something they dont want to do. The more you push the less they
want it. As long as the grandparents get to spend time with them, with or without the parents
does it really matter? Im more than happy to take a back seat and let the grandparents play or
do activities with them while I read a book or something.

I think you're spot-on with this; it certainly seems to me to be the best solution, even if it's not necessarily the easiest. It's fantastic that your husband is so supportive; he sounds like a good 'un! One of my friends was in a similar situation but her OH would never see her side over his mother's. It wasn't a successful marriage.