Children dont want to see grandparents alone

wortblossom

My two boys 7 and 8 (bear in mind the 8 year old is autistic) dont ever want to go to their grandparents house without me and my husband. My mil will invite them round to do fun things like going to mcdonalds or going to the allotment to plant seeds. And every time they dont want to go without myself or my husband. With the eldest I would put it down to his autism - he still sleeps in the same bedroom as us. But the youngest I think feels alot of pressure from MIL to behave in the way she wants and is constantly afraid of getting into trouble and being told off. I dont really know how to handle this situation, I dont want to make the boys do anything they dont want to or upset MIL , as from her point of view it must be very hurtful. Ive suggested we all go along to do these things but she just wants them on her own.

balletshoes

could you just say to MIL next time she asks for the kids to visit her - "lovely, DS has invited us along too, hope thats okay".

I have sympathy with your kids - if DS does get told off a lot when he's with his gran, he'll quickly realise its not a fun outing when its just her as the adult.

Errata

I'd far rather upset a MIL than upset offspring.

olgadapolga

Errata wrote: »

I'd far rather upset a MIL than upset offspring.

Totally agree with this.

I remember being terrified of my grandparents to a point where I couldn't say anything to them. I used to dread visiting them; I never left my parents side when visiting. The thought of being left alone with them made me violently sick.

Forcing children to do what someone else wants will only result in trouble and regrets, it really isn't worth it. In your shoes I would also be explaining to MIL that the children don't want to visit her without their parents; yes, it may well upset MIL but at least then she'd know what the problem is. It would also take some of the pressure off you and your partner to get the children to "conform" to her wishes.

fivetide

Hmmm devil's advocate here.

The kids aren't being asked round to sit and learn latin, they are being taken out to McDonalds!

On that basis, MIL asking them to behave isn't really a hardship is it? If she likes the to sit down and eat their meal for example, I wouldn't see that as a bad thing.

Just what are they being pulled up on?

Mojisola

wortblossom wrote: »

But the youngest I think feels alot of pressure from MIL to behave in the way she wants and is constantly afraid of getting into trouble and being told off.

Has he given you any details of what happens? Is her idea of how children should behave very different to yours?

CH27

wortblossom wrote: »

My two boys 7 and 8 (bear in mind the 8 year old is autistic) dont ever want to go to their grandparents house without me and my husband. My mil will invite them round to do fun things like going to mcdonalds or going to the allotment to plant seeds. And every time they dont want to go without myself or my husband. With the eldest I would put it down to his autism - he still sleeps in the same bedroom as us. But the youngest I think feels alot of pressure from MIL to behave in the way she wants and is constantly afraid of getting into trouble and being told off. I dont really know how to handle this situation, I dont want to make the boys do anything they dont want to or upset MIL , as from her point of view it must be very hurtful. Ive suggested we all go along to do these things but she just wants them on her own.

Has he given you examples?

JimmyTheWig

Do they go elsewhere without you?
I.e. is this a MIL problem (in which case she either needs to change or accept that they don't want to go) or a children problem (in which case you may need to start doing things that increase their confidence when you're not there, which may or may not involve MIL)?

FBaby

I expect MIL has more expectations in regards to manners, maybe a bit old fashioned (if not right!).

It sounds like you have some mutual respect for each other so I would be honest. Have you seen any behaviour of hers that you could see how it would intimidate your kids? My grandmother used to stare at me in the eyes and go silent, and that scared the life of me when I was little. Thankfully, it was very rare I had to spend time with her.

Gigglepig

Agree with Jimmy - Without further details it is hard to say whether the grandparent is being intimidating or if it is simply time to cut the apron strings a little. Are the kids comfortable on their own with other people?

TBagpuss

would it be possible for you to go with the children but leave them to gan - for instance - if she is suggesting taking them to the allotment, could you go along and sit & read a book? That way, you can give the children reassurance, and can also see how gran interacts with them, and perhaps speak with her (away from the children) to talk about their reluctance and what specific things they don't like.

If Grandma is more strict about things like manners then you can talk to the children about how different people have different rules (e.g rules are different at home from school,. etc)