Concerned about a friend

Saturnalia

I'm probably being stupid and worrying about nothing. But you know when you get that feeling that something just isn't quite right, you can't even put your finger on what's wrong or why you are worried, but you are? It's that.

I haven't heard from my close friend for about a month now. She lives overseas with her husband but we spoke every couple of days via FB, Whatsapp or e-mails. She's an iPhone addict and is never usually offline for more than a couple of hours.

Her marriage - she had a very rapid relationship (met online in October, engaged after a couple of real-life dates and married in June despite never having lived in the same town or even having seen much of each other!) In November he was posted overseas and she went with him, it was the first time they had lived together.

Now the relationship has been stormy since day 1. All they seem to do is row. Even before the wedding, in fact they had a serious bust-up en-route to register their notice to marry and it nearly didn't go ahead. We were all amazed when the wedding actually did take place. (And to be brutally honest, we were all hoping they'd split for good before this quickie wedding came around.)

I'll be honest, I don't like her husband (and I am not alone). There are all sorts of things my friend has said or implied about him that have rung alarm bells right from the start of the relationship (including tales of previous violence and current jealous/possessive behaviour) - and this is coming from the woman who was absolutely besotted with him and going to marry him - you'd think she'd be trying to paint him in the best light.

My last chat with my friend was about a month ago. She'd had surgery and I was asking her how it had all gone, then a couple of days later she put a status on FB along the line of "love is blind but now I can see the BS that everyone else could see and I'm out" Nothing new - she's been threatening divorce on a monthly basis since she moved with her husband and the week after, it's all hearts and flowers again - but this time I got the impression she meant it. I sent her a private message saying I was there for her and she could come and stay any time she liked, and she didn't reply and that is the last I've seen of her.

Now I know she could have broken her phone, be in between internet contracts and no access, they could have gone on holiday, maybe some silliness kicked off on Faceache and that's why she's deleted her account... There are 101 reasons she might have been away, but I can't help worrying that something just isn't right. Being out of touch for so long just isn't my friend's normal.

fireyfirenze

this might sound daft and sorry if iv missed it - but have you tried ringing her phone?

poet123

I would be concerned too. I am not sure what you can do though. Do you have any contacts where she lives who could discreetly check things out? Are you in contact with her family over here? As a last resort you could contact the local police and ask for their help. Only you know whether this feels really sinister or whether it is part of a pattern.

I hope you get it resolved OP.

ETA I see you said "posted overseas" is he military? If so, that is another possible avenue if you have exhausted all others.

Saturnalia

fireyfirenze wrote: »

this might sound daft and sorry if iv missed it - but have you tried ringing her phone?

I've tried her British number - the only one I have for her - but it just makes a dead tone.

I have a card somewhere with her last overseas address in it, I'm trying to find that so I can write her a letter. No idea where it is though as we always keep in touch online.

good_advice

Do you know the phone number of any family? they could just tell you she is ok if nothing else.

CH27

Saturnalia wrote: »

I'm probably being stupid and worrying about nothing. But you know when you get that feeling that something just isn't quite right, you can't even put your finger on what's wrong or why you are worried, but you are? It's that.

I haven't heard from my close friend for about a month now. She lives overseas with her husband but we spoke every couple of days via FB, Whatsapp or e-mails. She's an iPhone addict and is never usually offline for more than a couple of hours.

Her marriage - she had a very rapid relationship (met online in October, engaged after a couple of real-life dates and married in June despite never having lived in the same town or even having seen much of each other!) In November he was posted overseas and she went with him, it was the first time they had lived together.

Now the relationship has been stormy since day 1. All they seem to do is row. Even before the wedding, in fact they had a serious bust-up en-route to register their notice to marry and it nearly didn't go ahead. We were all amazed when the wedding actually did take place. (And to be brutally honest, we were all hoping they'd split for good before this quickie wedding came around.)

I'll be honest, I don't like her husband (and I am not alone). There are all sorts of things my friend has said or implied about him that have rung alarm bells right from the start of the relationship (including tales of previous violence and current jealous/possessive behaviour) - and this is coming from the woman who was absolutely besotted with him and going to marry him - you'd think she'd be trying to paint him in the best light.

My last chat with my friend was about a month ago. She'd had surgery and I was asking her how it had all gone, then a couple of days later she put a status on FB along the line of "love is blind but now I can see the BS that everyone else could see and I'm out" Nothing new - she's been threatening divorce on a monthly basis since she moved with her husband and the week after, it's all hearts and flowers again - but this time I got the impression she meant it. I sent her a private message saying I was there for her and she could come and stay any time she liked, and she didn't reply and that is the last I've seen of her.

Now I know she could have broken her phone, be in between internet contracts and no access, they could have gone on holiday, maybe some silliness kicked off on Faceache and that's why she's deleted her account... There are 101 reasons she might have been away, but I can't help worrying that something just isn't right. Being out of touch for so long just isn't my friend's normal.

Have you spoke to these other people about when they last heard from her?

Saturnalia

poet123 wrote: »

I would be concerned too. I am not sure what you can do though. Do you have any contacts where she lives who could discreetly check things out? Are you in contact with her family over here? As a last resort you could contact the local police and ask for their help. Only you know whether this feels really sinister or whether it is part of a pattern.

I hope you get it resolved OP.

ETA I see you said "posted overseas" is he military? If so, that is another possible avenue if you have exhausted all others.

I don't know anyone where my friend lives, but I think I can remember her siblings' names from her old FB account. Perhaps they are still on there and I could contact them.

Problem is I'm not sure whether to raise a fuss when there might well be nothing wrong. When do you know when "not quite right" is actually "really wrong"? I could be creeping myself out over nothing.

Thinking out loud, the family FB profiles might shed some light - if they have spoken to her recently or if they are concerned they've lost touch suddenly, etc.

marisco_2

Sorry to hear that you have this worry about a close friend. Did you two have any mutual friends or do you know any members of her family? Has no one heard from her recently? Sometimes when people go through really tumultuous times in their lives, they choose to shut off from those around them, and just deal with it their way. Whilst others need lots of support and contact with others.

Saturnalia

CH27 wrote: »

Have you spoke to these other people about when they last heard from her?

These are the friends she had here. They aren't in touch withher as regularly as I was so didn't really notice she'd been off the radar for so long, but now I've asked them they are as concerned as I am.

Her family members are also disapproved of the marriage and the husband, but I'm not in touch with them.

poet123

marisco wrote: »

Sorry to hear that you have this worry about a close friend. Did you two have any mutual friends or do you know any members of her family? Has no one heard from her recently? Sometimes when people go through really tumultuous times in their lives, they choose to shut off from those around them, and just deal with it their way. Whilst others need lots of support and contact with others.

I think this is a really good point, a close friend of mine had a serious health issue and she just retreated from the world. We did keep in touch by text and occasionally later in her treatment by phone, but she did not want any visitors or social contact.

Saturnalia

marisco wrote: »

Sorry to hear that you have this worry about a close friend. Did you two have any mutual friends or do you know any members of her family? Has no one heard from her recently? Sometimes when people go through really tumultuous times in their lives, they choose to shut off from those around them, and just deal with it their way. Whilst others need lots of support and contact with others.

That's a thought. She did have surgery about 6 weeks ago and perhaps something else is the matter and she's back in hospital or laid up at home and concentrating on her recovery. And maybe her friends over there and her husband are looking after her and she doesn't fancy being any more sociable at the moment.

I probably wouldn't be worried if she were the kind of friend who floated in-and-out and I often didn't hear from her for long periods. It's just this is so unusual for her.