feeling trapped in my marriage

rachiibell

Your daughter will be better off not living in that toxic environment. My Dad had a terrible temper and used to break things all the time it was horrible. I remember being scared but because I was the eldest I'd have to be brave for my sister and we'd go and hide somewhere together. I also remember him breaking things of ours if they just happened to be in the way when he was in one of his moods and there's nothing more upsetting as a child than finding your favourite toys broken on purpose by your dad.

Good luck

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

rachiibell wrote: »

Your daughter will be better off not living in that toxic environment. My Dad had a terrible temper and used to break things all the time it was horrible. I remember being scared but because I was the eldest I'd have to be brave for my sister and we'd go and hide somewhere together. I also remember him breaking things of ours if they just happened to be in the way when he was in one of his moods and there's nothing more upsetting as a child than finding your favourite toys broken on purpose by your dad.

Good luck

Mine, at nearly 15, has just told me that she's had nightmares since she was tiny about seeing a big person pick up a smaller one by the throat. The smaller person struggles as they're held against the wall and then they stop moving. That smaller person was me - and she couldn't have been more than two and a half or three at the time.

First thing he ever did was tip a plate of food on the floor. It took 18 months from that happening to get, via CDs out the window, my stereo hurled across the room at my head, doors being punched off the hinges, a metal double bed ripped apart and a glass panelled door smashed by being slammed repeatedly on me to get to the day I thought I was going to die.


Plan your escape carefully. Don't tell him anything.

Morglin

Personally, I would be lining up my 'practicality' ducks in a row (housing, finances etc.,) and making plans to call it a day.

Leaving a long term relationship/marriage is never easy, but it can be done (done it myself), and it sounds as if both you and DD will be happier, in the long run.

He smashes up the home now - a few years on, it might be you or DD he lashes out at.

Good luck.

Lin

seven-day-weekend

My husband was emotionally damaged by his parents' relationship - having to watch his mother being beaten has left him emotionally scarred to this day. (He is 65:eek:).

If you are frightened of him, then his daughter will be when she is old enough.

It's NOT your fault that he throws things and breaks things.

I suggest you get out asap (and I do not say this lightly). Get your financial and housing affairs in order and then do it.

duchy

I don't think it matters if the violence is directed at things or at you (others have addressed how violence *can* escalate from objects to people) the question you need to be asking yourself is Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking how your husband behaves is normal in a marriage?
If you don't then you issue him an ultimatum that he gets professional help with his anger issues (and you get support from Women's Aid ) or you just leave now. I do think WA would be helpful to you to help you sort out what you want and how to achieve it . They are non judgemental and you don't have to be hit to suffer domestic abuse.

BigAunty

See the Womens Aid website for information on domestic abuse - you will see a lot of his behaviour is quite standard and common patterns of emotional control, including frightening their partners, guilt tripping and deflecting blame.

They have a survivors handbook that will help you understand what is happening to you and your options. They have a helpline and can provide support and advice. DA isn't solely about being a victim of physical violence - it can be emotional and psychological intimidation, too. How many of the signs listed here chime with you?

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

See also the Refuge sticky at the top of the page - link here

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963

Although you are berating yourself for not having the will-power to leave, I think you are at quite a mature stage because you are aware that you should be treated better and aren't happy with his excuses. I've seen posts by people whose self esteem has been so eroded that they feel responsible for their plight and that they deserve to be treated badly.

"It’s a misconception that an abusive relationship is violent all the time. If a partner was violent and abusive all the time and from the outset of a relationship, you’d be unlikely to get into a relationship with him – or to stay with him very long if you had. This is what makes it so difficult for women to walk away from an abusive relationship. Often a woman doesn’t want the relationship to end, she just wants the violence to stop. However, unless he’s addressing the reasons for his violence towards you, remember that it’s likely to happen again. Unfortunately what usually happens is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity over time. "

From the Womens Aid website

"The abuser is responsible. They do not have to use violence. They can choose, instead, to behave non-violently and foster a relationship built on trust, honesty, and respect.

It’s extremely common for an abusive person to say [that the abuse is your fault]. It’s just another form of abuse, and because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions. Domestic abuse is never the fault or responsibility of anyone except the abuser. Your partner is an adult and makes a choice about the actions he takes. He could choose to walk away from the situation but instead he chooses to be abusive. Whether it’s physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse or emotional abuse, it’s completely unacceptable.

It’s possible for abusive people to change their behaviour. However, it’s very difficult to change and so isn’t very common. If your partner has promised to change before and then has resumed his abusive behaviour it’s likely that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.
Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. "

marisco_2

Would you allow anyone else to be around your daughter who was selfish, immature, aggressive both verbally and physically, smashed up her home and saw fit to scare and deflect their failings onto her mother? I very much hope the answer to all these questions is a resounding no. Your husband should treat yourself and the child you have together better than anyone else. He is failing you both and none of that is your fault. Get out before things escalate any further and never look back is my advice.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oh, and in case you wondered - when our daughter got to be a teenager, he started doing the same to her when she visited him. Smashing her stuff up at first, then punishments like chucking her out into the garden in the snow in her pyjamas shorts and a vest, the last straw was when he took off his belt and was going to hit her with it. She didn't tell me, because she thought she'd made him do it by being a perfectly normal teenaged ratbag. It was only when she got to know my now boyfriend that she realised it wasn't normal for a man to do that sort of thing and she didn't have to put up with it anymore.


If you stay, that's what your baby has to look forward to in her teens.

sunshine_shell

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and being honest with me. I know what i need to do I'm just not sure where to start! At the moment he is being very sweet and helpful almost to the point where i'm almost doubting myself! I have an amazing set of family and friends who i know will support me 100%

BitterAndTwisted

Being very sweet to you at the moment is part of his strategy to distract you from the earlier aggression and violence. Please don't be fooled by it.

Share your experience and your plans with family and friends but be VERY WARY should he catch a whiff that you're making plans to leave. This is very often the point at which aggressive behaviour is stepped up, once he realises his grip on you is loosening. Please, please be very careful!

Get important personal papers out of the property and secured somewhere safe.

Start looking for somewhere to live.

Look into what benefits you might be entitled to.



Anything else is secondary