feeling trapped in my marriage

sunshine_shell

I decided not to post under a new identity and just be very honest in asking for your advice.

I want to leave my husband but i feel very trapped. I gave birth to our beautiful daughter last year and since then i have realised what a selfish, immature, aggressive person he is and i don't want to raise DD in this kind of environment.

Some of the time he can be lovely and always puts on a good show when we are around other people. But he can lose his temper quickly and it usually results in something in our house being smashed or broken and i am scared of him, i don't think he would hit me but that's not the point i am worried about his actions and feel like i'm watching what i say just incase.

It all came to a head last Sunday when he asked me if i wanted to be with him. I told him i didn't, yet i am still here and i don't know why! Since then he's helping me out around the house and with DD and i feel sick at the thought of having to stay with him for the rest of my life. He said i would be destroying DD's life if we split and that it was my fault he got angry and smashed stuff.... which i know is wrong.!! My Dad never did this kind of thing so i know its wrong. He said i would destroy him and i would never be more than the person he would pick his DD up from.

I know what he is doing is wrong so why can't i do something about it?

double_mummy

you made the decision, planned and put into action getting out of debt so you can do this

he is helping because he thinks it will work to keep you in a couple of weeks he will be back to normal

your little one is young enough that she wont remember any of this when she is older, give it a couple more years and she will

why do you want to be more than someone he picks his daughter up from? his behavior is NOT your fault he made his choices each and every time and now you have to make your choice

make your decision, make your plan and put it into action

ska_lover

Maybe you are just garnering enough strength emotionally to make the break. He has been your partner for a long time, and the father of your daughter, so is going to be a huge change in your life

He is emotionally blackmailing you with these comments '' He said i would destroy him and i would never be more than the person he would pick his DD up from. ''

He is playing nice now, because he wants you to stay. You know this isn't the 'real' him.

Why do you feel trapped, is it more physically - as in having no where to go, financially - as in funding it, or emotionally?

sunshine_shell

Thank you for the reply Double Mummy I know what you are saying is right and i know if i wasn't married to him i would have been gone by now. We've known each other since we were 15 (now 31) and I'm worried that DD will hate me when she is older. But i don't want to waste anymore time! Oh gosh..... why can't i do this??

double_mummy

i hate to be really really blunt but would you hate yourself more for leaving him and being a single mum or for staying with him and putting her in an unhealthy situation? your daughter will only know what you allow her to know at this age and its your choice if she grows up with mum being single then thats what she will know if she grows up with you and your husband together thats what she will know

why does being married make a difference here?

you can do this if it what you want to do

BitterAndTwisted

Your daughter won't hate you when she's older if you choose to leave because she'll still have a relationship with her father but might hate you for letting her grow up in an abusive environment. He smashes !!!!!! up and frightens you. What effect do you think that would have on a tiny child once she's old enough to know that Daddy chucks things about and frightens Mummy?

Get out now while you can

jjj1980

I agree with all the replies. My past posts give details of my situation if you want to find them to read through but I've been where you are and it's a horrid place to be.

My daughter is now 4.5 years old and it's just been the two of us since she was 5 months. To her, it being her and mum with sporadic visits from her father is what she knows and is used to. Although she does remember her father being violent and aggressive towards me when she was about 18 months, which upsets me as I thought she was too young at the time for it to stick with her.

Your LO will accept as normal whatever home life you make for her. She won't hate you for you being a single parent. Explained and dealt with in the right way, she will look up to you.

Hope you can find a way to get you and LO out of the situation you are in and find some peace and calm.

sharnad

sunshine_shell wrote: »

Thank you for the reply Double Mummy I know what you are saying is right and i know if i wasn't married to him i would have been gone by now. We've known each other since we were 15 (now 31) and I'm worried that DD will hate me when she is older. But i don't want to waste anymore time! Oh gosh..... why can't i do this??

Your daughters not going to hate you when she's older. If you stay though it can escalate towards violence towards you and your daughter. He has no right to blame you for his actions and to try to guilt you into staying

VJsmum

You know it's not right cos your dad never did it.

If you stay, your daughter might find herself in a similar relationship that she thinks is right cos her dad did do it.

74jax

If you stayed and your daughter grew up to think this kind of relationship was normal, then herself found a man just like him, and went through exactly what you are going through now, because she thought it was normal, how would you feel?

My story is on this board, it may take some digging to get to it, but someone said that very sentence to me and that's what made me start afresh.

You are not the only person to feel this way, you are not alone, your support network over this may not be your usual support network, it may be this forum, woman's aid, a charity, but there is emotional help and financial guidance out there to help you start your life. A new life. If that's what you want.

margaretclare

He said I'd be destroying DD's life if we split and that it was my fault he got angry and smashed stuff...

This is absolutely typical of an abusive relationship, to make the victim feel she's to blame. This is what causes so many women (and men too, for that matter) to stay in the relationship even when common sense, their friends, and everyone else, can see what they refuse to see. 'Oh I must have provoked him, he was sorry afterwards (cue flowers/chocolates etc) he promised me he won't do it again....' Well, he won't, not until the next time! And then it all goes on, and on.

Please get in touch with Women's Aid, and take the good advice others here have offered you.