Only freedom will do

edinburgher

P2P will also need to have its day in the sun and energy efficiency will probably get another go (I think there might be value in looking at our inherited appliances TCO to see whether there's a case to be made for replacing them with A+ versions). The gains might be marginal, but it's not purely a financial consideration. I should also probably consider less tangible 'home improvements' (for example, I really should tarp up our leaky garage roof as it's unlikely we will replace it this year).

Goldiegirl

edinburgher wrote: »

The reason for the disparity of labour? Probably my own fault, I am a perfectionist, a bit of a control freak and if I can do a job 'better', I will. No matter how tired I am, or if I can be bothered!

When you originally posted, Ed, I wondered if there was an element of perfectionist control freak going on. I didn't say anything in case I was way off the mark, but as a perfectionist control freak myself, I recognised the signs:rotfl:


The good news is, over the years I have become less of a perfectionist. As long as something is better than when I started, that is now acceptable.


The control freak part is more difficult to deal with. Generally, we split the tasks in this house, and do the things that we are best at. But, I can't relinquish overall control of the finances, and for good reason. For example, last week Mr Goldie agreed to some private dental treatment, which he thought was going to cost £39.50. The actually cost is £395.00! It just wouldn't work having him run the admin side of things.


The most stressful time of my life was back in 2004, when I felt my whole life was slipping out of control. My mum had dementia, and my dad, who was also her carer, became ill, and then died. They lived in Essex, and I'm in Kent, so they weren't very local either.


So, I ended up dealing with my dad's estate, getting control of my mum's affairs and then dealing with her affairs (no POA, so had to get authority from the Court of Protection), dealing with my mum's care (getting her into respite care first, then into a suitable care home ) then dealing with all the admin relating their house, clearing it, and giving up the tenancy.


All this while doing a full time job! And grieving for my dad


There was no one to delegate to - as an only child, it was only me who could do all this stuff (although Mr Goldie did a sterling job of supporting me). I didn't bother to use a solicitor, as I knew I could do a good job of it..... and remain in control of it too.


The only way I coped, was to accept that I couldn't control the situation and do everything in the time frame I wanted.


I had a massive list of everything that I had to do.


If I ticked off one thing on the list a day - then it was one step forward. As long as knew I was going forward, I felt in control. It took months to resolve everything, but I got through it all in the end




So, my suggestion, Ed, one control freak to another - is one step at a time, and do it slow and steady, and accept that the it all can't be done at once

choccielover

What about sharing the burden that you are feeling with Mrs E. Not in terms of jobs but in terms of how it makes you feel.
If something bothers me I have to talk to DH otherwise I become progressively more and more resentful until I blow. Though in fairness he does the lions share by far of domestic and child rearing duties, there are some things he puts no care to which cause me frustration. We talk about it and decide either I get over myself (which is remarkably easy to do o ce we have discussed these things together) or he puts a slight more effort into that area and slackens down in a mutually agreed other area. Eg my pet hate is a cluttered hall, doesn't bother DH. We agree he declutters the hall slightly more and perhaps we find easier/quicker to cook meals or something.
I just think maybe Mrs E doesn't know how you are feeling therefore she can't do something about it.

edinburgher

Thank you for sharing Goldie, it makes my 'troubles' look piffling by comparison. I am so glad that I'm not an only child, but I sometimes wonder what practical help my siblings will be with such things if the time comes.

Yes, control freakery, being perfectionist and *impatience* are a bad mix. I am really trying (at least that's what Mrs E says ) and I have been keeping it in check for the last couple of days. To her credit, Mrs E has also been working at things and I was super impressed by her suggestions for an enhanced recycling regime today :rotfl:

We will get there, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to living life at a normal pace.

I just think maybe Mrs E doesn't know how you are feeling therefore she can't do something about it.

She knows choccielover, she knows

Mrs E is very different from you, she's a 50/50 mix of blurting out annoyances and keeping them under wraps. Fortunately I'm becoming quite good at recognising when something is being bottled up and I bug her until she tells me what it is. It's usually me, so probably for the best :eek:

£0.45 OPed.

choccielover

edinburgher wrote: »

Than



Mrs E is very different from you, she's a 50/50 mix of blurting out annoyances and keeping them under wraps. Fortunately I'm becoming quite good at recognising when something is being bottled up and I bug her until she tells me what it is. It's usually me, so probably for the best :eek:

£0.45 OPed.

Oh sweetie it didn't come naturally......years and hundreds of pounds in therapy helped me work out we needed to talk rather than let stuff fester it also helped DH learn to do what you do naturally, spot the warning signs :rotfl: very worth it for that alone

You will find your family rhythm, J is just too young and her schedule changing too frequently for it to fall into place right now. This is why being the parent of a young child is super hard, you will get there though honey I'm sure

Chocs

A_Frayed_Knot

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

I
Now, mind I'm only asking:) Does Mrs E not go food shopping and/or cook? or is it she's not allowed to ?? Same for driving ?? Could most of weekly housework not be done on a Thursday for you coming home,(Sorry Mrs E:o) giving you "spare" time for whatever you want ??

I too, thought I saw a "hint" of control here, only as myself I take on too much and "have" to do everything myself and rarely accept offers of help, this goes for my work too, but am slowly learning to accept small offers of help for the moment, and try to "chill out" but it is hard, so a little bit at a time:)

Sometimes I feel, that its just habit (Bad), I just say automatically - "no, its all right, I'll do it" without actually thinking:(

And, I know to accept help does not mean "failure" or being "lazy" but took me a whole while to realise that:o

Now I "think" before declining.

AlexLK

To be honest, you're doing a lot better than Mrs K and I did when our son was your daughter's age. The fact you've managed to think about finances, move house and make things work without help says that you're doing well. I wouldn't worry about the house renovations for the time being, it happens when it happens.

Dealing with a baby 24/7 is not something I think anyone finds easy. Wife and I only managed to keep each other (relatively) sane (OK I was beyond help before then ) for the first six months because neither of us found ourselves left with "the baby" alone for long periods of time. We also made sure that we made time for our own interests. I wonder if your wife is tired of dealing with "the baby" for four days solid each week and feels she has no time to pursue her own interests?

As for exercise, what about getting a dog? First weeks are difficult but they grow up a lot more quickly than children and are excellent companions.

gallygirl

edinburgher wrote: »

Fortunately I'm becoming quite good at recognising when something is being bottled up and I bug her until she tells me what it is. It's usually me, so probably for the best :eek:

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

edinburgher

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Sometimes I feel, that its just habit (Bad), I just say automatically - "no, its all right, I'll do it" without actually thinking:(

I do that as well (while inwardly sighing and thinking obscenities)

AlexLK wrote: »

I wonder if your wife is tired of dealing with "the baby" for four days solid each week and feels she has no time to pursue her own interests?

Without meaning to be uncharitable, she doesn't have any interests, a topic that we've discussed in the past. She meets with her friends during the week and gets a chance to read and watch TV once DD goes to bed, that seems to be as far as it goes. Her Mum is exactly the same, perhaps a reaction to her insane human dynamo of a Dad who struggles to sit down.... Spotting a bit of a pattern here

As for exercise, what about getting a dog? First weeks are difficult but they grow up a lot more quickly than children and are excellent companions.

I am more of a solitary exercise sort of guy. I'll run in a group, but I don't fancy any exercise that gives me responsibility for picking up more poo. DD and the aquarium are quite enough :rotfl:

£2.04 OPed (P2P interest, cashback and a wee ET). Continuing to sit on my hands re. S&S ISA, the original £1500 of VLS 100 I bought has dropped by 3% or so. That's fine, FTSE/S&P have fallen by 10% or so since I put the orders in.

Karmacat

Really interesting posts here! Thanks all, and thanks Ed for sparking it.