Only freedom will do

edinburgher

Was feeling blue as it often feels like I spend 3 days at the weekend doing nothing but housework and getting to spend nowhere near as much time with DD as I'd like. I try delaying stuff/cowboying it, but that only means there's more to do when I finally catch up! I think that Mrs E and I have very much fallen into our stereotypical gender roles and hers has her spending a lot more time with DD.

It feels like there are a lot of things that fall to me: anything requiring fixed or purchased; all shopping; anything that requires lifting or building; all finances; 75% of the cooking; organising contractors; the 750kg of rubbish and recycling that we generate in a week; all driving; chasing businesses when things go wrong; trips to the tip.

Fully appreciate that Mrs E will have her own long list, but she at least gets some extra time from me being there at the weekend. My 'time off' is covering her, I think I've had an hour 'out' in the last month. Please note, comments along the lines of 'that's what being a parent is like' will be consigned to the dustbin of my imagination - this is something that has changed, we used to find a little time, even with a baby.

This couple with larger bills, a bigger mortgage and future stresses hasn't been good for my state of mind. We're trying to catch up with some of this, but time takes time and it has been coming to a head for months.

I suppose it feels a bit like we're working for the house, but it isn't working for us yet.

£1.29 OPed (P2P interest and a small ET). Expecting quite a bit of money back from MB accounts and P2P rebalancing today, the bank accounts are looking a little depleted.

ajmoney

Ed do you need to get everything in the house sorted so quickly? Maybe you could take it a bit steadier or do it in smaller chunks so you can enjoy more time with Juliet and also with Mrs E, surely that is more important? I understand wanting a lovely house but you won't get this time back with Juliet. Hope you feel a bit more positive soon. You are doing amazingly with everything so take a bit of the pressure off for a while maybe? x

ourcornercottage

It sounds like you need a well deserved night out (or similar) getting a bit of time to yourself.

I could cut and paste your post into my diary at least once every other month and be 100% agreement with every sentiment.

Sometimes life just feels hard

Goldiegirl

Hi Ed, sorry you are feeling down at the moment. It's been a madly busy time for you, so no wonder you are feeling a bit frazzled.


Maybe it'd be worth chatting to Mrs Ed, so see if you can swop a few roles, so it'll give you a little bit of time with your daughter.

Karmacat

It's good to identify it, Ed, before you both get really set in the gender ways ...

" My 'time off' is covering her, I think I've had an hour 'out' in the last month." Thats something that you can change ... barring terrible weather

"I suppose it feels a bit like we're working for the house, but it isn't working for us yet."
Again - its something that you've identified, and people have already commented about slowing down the changes a bit. You're a decisive, competent (extremely competent!) individual - but you need time out, just like the rest of us.

Take care.


ETA - you also said something about its been building up? There's no quick fix, but there *will* be a fix.

A_Frayed_Knot

I find January is always a "down" month, after everything going on re@ Christmas, shopping, food, presents, decorations etc, etc, then the thought that unless you take a/l there's not another PH till Easter. So this coupled with the fact you have moved house, is it any wonder you feel you have no spare time to yourself.

No. 1 stress factor - moving house, (up there with divorce:eek:)

Now, mind I'm only asking:) Does Mrs E not go food shopping and/or cook? or is it she's not allowed to ?? Same for driving ?? Could most of weekly housework not be done on a Thursday for you coming home,(Sorry Mrs E:o) giving you "spare" time for whatever you want ??

Doesn't help that funds are looking a little depleted, but so long as there's enough to cover an emergency, then funds can be replenished as time goes on. Remember we have 2 "free" months of council tax and I know you are not talking £££ to replenish your bank accounts, but its a start.


Hope you can work something out with Mrs E, that will let you have some "spare" time to yourselves. Maybe have one week where its a bit more of quick/plain cooking, like a chicken in a bag from @ldi/L!dl's I don't know, just something that will free up "some" time.

Secret_Saving_Squirrel

I agree with AJ, no need to try to do everything at once. And living in a house for a while before committing to any refurbishments often leads to a beneficial change of plan that works better.

Your £5000 for the bathroom does seem a lot when you can get a serviceable white suite for less than £500. Would you feel happier if less money was flowing out? If so, maybe a cheaper alternative would be an option? Feel free to totally ignore as I really don't know the full circumstances or brief for the bathroom, I just know it is more than I would pay.

All the best and hope you feel better soon,

Squirrel x

edinburgher

Ed do you need to get everything in the house sorted so quickly? Maybe you could take it a bit steadier or do it in smaller chunks so you can enjoy more time with Juliet and also with Mrs E, surely that is more important? I understand wanting a lovely house but you won't get this time back with Juliet. Hope you feel a bit more positive soon. You are doing amazingly with everything so take a bit of the pressure off for a while maybe? x

Sounds like a plan. Scaling back our 'chunks' of house stuff could work... After the bathroom! DD has grown out of her baby bath already :eek:

Karmacat wrote: »

It's good to identify it, Ed, before you both get really set in the gender ways ...

" My 'time off' is covering her, I think I've had an hour 'out' in the last month." Thats something that you can change ... barring terrible weather

I tried, honest, managed 45 minutes out the house before I got guilty

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Now, mind I'm only asking:) Does Mrs E not go food shopping and/or cook? or is it she's not allowed to ?? Same for driving ?? Could most of weekly housework not be done on a Thursday for you coming home,(Sorry Mrs E:o) giving you "spare" time for whatever you want ??

Doesn't help that funds are looking a little depleted, but so long as there's enough to cover an emergency, then funds can be replenished as time goes on. Remember we have 2 "free" months of council tax and I know you are not talking £££ to replenish your bank accounts, but its a start.

Like all of these things, we've got into patterns, food shopping and driving are just 'me' things. In fact, she only drives when she's alone with DD. I don't get CT 'free' months until next year, my current bill has been paid up to the end of March?

Secret_Saving_Squirrel wrote: »

Your £5000 for the bathroom does seem a lot when you can get a serviceable white suite for less than £500. Would you feel happier if less money was flowing out? If so, maybe a cheaper alternative would be an option?

It's a fair shout SSS, we are going for an attractive spec for the bathroom, should look quite luxurious when it is done. We've never had a 'nice' bathroom, it's a £200k+ house, so 4% of this doesn't seem ludicrous and we need it to be worth the £215k we paid for it when we remortgage in 2020, not the £200k the bank thought it was worth before we bought. Quite confident that it's a sensible move. Is a permanice area, with a Jag in every second driveway and good schools, so we can only attract more potential buyers with a classy (but not tacky) spec.

smallholdingsister

Hey Ed. Wishing you Happiness. Don't push yourselves too hard.

edinburgher

Thanks SHS, trying to relax.

87p OPed. Small bathroom deposit paid. Fitter managed to add a £200 LED illuminated mirror for just under £2 after some jiggery-pokery using different suppliers - that sort of initiative is appreciated.